Forum Discussion
Feeling Lost
Hi,
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
61 Replies
- @kmakm wise and most appreciated words. My partner of 5 years is a police officer with PTSD & depression he refuses to get help for and he was shot many years ago and does not tolerate people who "sook" about pain. I asked him to read some of the tools that are out there but he refuses. He has been good asking questions at appointments, and will cook and clean but won't show me any emotional support, like a hug, even when I've begged him to. So it is what it is and I must remind myself that I can only do one thing at a time and self care is the most important thing right now. It's just really uncomfortable when someone seems to be going out of their way to be emotionally mean. The BCNA helpline were really good before my surgery. I haven't heard from my nurse for a week but I have emailed her. I do have some wonderful friends and family I am leaning on. And you guys are amazing. One breath at a time.
- @Felicia29 Sending you so much love & prayers as I reckon you need it. You will not find a wiser, stronger women here than @kmakm. She has been through it all & has helped so many of us. Her words are so true.
Sorry you have no support at home. That must be so hard. Cancer effects the whole family & everyone deals with it differently. Hopefully you have some friends you can turn to or a support group nearby. Have you found a breast care nurse yet? She will be invaluable as an ear to listen to you & she will also answer all your medical questions. My nurse used to ring me & we would speak for as long as it took sometimes nearly an hour. They will counsel & support you as we will do here also.
The most important thing is to look after number 1 & that is you. Cry, drink chai tea, go for a slow walk in the sunshine, mediatation/pilates/yoga.....whatever it takes to put you in a happy place. The roller coaster can be quite a long ride.Tears are normal & natural & we all have to go through that stage & deal with the fact that we have had cancer & come to terms with accepting that. Acceptance of "the new you" is hard for many of us as our bodies & minds will never be the same after dealing with this disease.
Take care & enjoy time with your son. Strength & hugs xx - @Felicia29 I am with you on this 100%. The pressure to be 'the good patient' is intense, from others and ourselves. And it's nigh on impossible for a diagnosis like breast cancer. This is a deeply affecting illness. It's in a part of our body that is visible, highly identified as part of our gender, femininity, sexuality, and our basic function as a female mammal. We dress to it, whether to hide or display. And let's not forget: it's cancer. So if you feel like crying when there are nurses and techs about, don't hold back. They're trained professionals and have seen it all before. With only a couple of exceptions, when I was weepy with medicos, they were great.
They're doing a study comparing a BC diagnosis to military PTSD, so similar are the effects on the person.
Very early on in my diagnosis when I was very distraught, I saw a counsellor who told me to "lean into the pain". I thought this was insane but I get it now. You have to go through it to emerge the other side. Avoidance can actually cause PTSD, which can linger for a very long time, if not forever.
And one last fact: one of my oldest friends did double blind clinical study which definitively proved that positivity had no medical impact on cancer. Absolutely it can change your experience of your treatment. But a cancer cell doesn't give two hoots if you're positive or not!
You do you Felicia. There'll be days where you want to cry non-stop and days where you'll smile. Be true to you, and honour your emotions. Many people here report unsupportive families. Mostly we think it's because the people who love you are scared, in denial or just don't know what to do. There are lots of resources for families and carers of people with cancer. Have you looked at the BCNA online My Journey kit? Perhaps you could send your family some links to read. I know I had to explicitly tell my husband that when I was crying all I needed from him was to hold me. I also had to get him to read the partners pamphlet twice. He was much better after the second time!
Find your support where you can. You've always got us here, plus there are the wonderful ladies on the BCNA helpline 1800 500 258. Do you have a breastcare nurse? They can be an amazing support. And your friends of course. Mine were incredible.
The biggest of hugs lovely. We've got you. K xox - Love and Roses Felicia.
Enjoy your son's company. Feel what you feel. - I'm coming to realise that crying might be a good thing. I was so big on being positive because it seemed that was what everyone (who as never gone through this) wanted. I wanted to be the good patient, the positive patient, don't bother anyone, and I apologised for all the emotions in hospital, assuring everyone I'd be more positive next week. God forbid I offend someone. I have zero emotional support at home and it has taken its toll which it was doing before this so why am I surprised. My son has come for the weekend, so I'm going to make the most of his company and just ride these emotions out because I don't know what else to do with them.
- @Felicia29 So happy that the surgery went well. Ive been thinking of you & hoping you are resting up & sipping your chai tea! Having great medical staff is a blessing. They do a terrific job when we are at our most vulnerable. Glad the pain isnt too bad. Keep up the meds as you dont want the pain to take hold so I found I took them every 3-4 hrs to keep on top of it. Each day will get better so keep snuggling by the fire & rest up. Sleep will come & you will have emotional days but that is normal. You have been through a lot so take help from those around you to help you get through the day to day. Sending you love & prayers & gentle hugs xx
- Good to hear @Felicia29. Let the tears flow. It's good to get them out. They'll stop eventually and you'll feel better. You have to go through the emotions to come out the other side. K xox
- @Anne65 thank you for thinking of me. The surgery went well, I continue to be blessed by the medical staff I have look after me. I'm home snuggled by the fire and the pain today isn't too bad. Just need to learn to sleep in weird and wonderful positions so that I can catch up on my sleep and get my emotions in check a bit more. But I'm getting there xxx
- @Felicia29 Hoping your surgery went well & you are home recovering now surrounded by lots of cups of chai tea!! Been thinking of you & hoping the pain & discomfort is minimal...if not, then maybe something stronger than the tea is in order!!!! Love & gentle hugs xx
- Thank you so much @Anne65 for your encouragement and support. It means so much xx I have been anxious and nervous but I'm feeling a little better this evening knowing this next step will be done soon. I am continually encouraged by medical staff at different hospitals telling me my surgeon is very good. My favourite cafe have supplied me with a good supply of their special chai tea so I am coming home to some comfort and I am all set for tomorrow. I will let you know how it all goes.
