BowieWell it's just past 4 in the morning ..can't sleep ..Can't get the fear of waiting for my post op results next week and what the treatment is in plan ..l fear Chemo so much .l have suffered anxiety and depression most of my life and have Rhuemotoid Arthritis for 10 yrs .I fear my body won't cope with all this and my mind is just so crazy with negative thoughts all the time ,,, l lam so lonely my friends are not so supportive as l thought my kids are busy with there own lives ...Today l am going to drive for the first time in 8 days ..l will take it slowly as l need to get food ...Every time l wake up l look down at my boobs and think it was all a dream ...but no it is not ..The tail spin of the day is so long .Yes l no we all die of something as people keep saying ..but l feel like l am slowly dying very quickly if that makes sense ..l have fleeting momements of a happy life then it just turns back to the nightmare of this life l am up against.Sozz on such a downer .but need to get it out ..Love to you all. Xxxxx

hi @Bowie I have made this into a discussion as others don't get to quickly see it when we post it on our own page.... I promise you it will be easier once you have a plan ahead.... this is definitely the worse part the waiting.... Do you have a breast care Nurse? have you been told you can go see a psychologist under medicare.... ask your GP for a Mental Health Plan and then you can see a psychologist best decision I made. Maybe there is a social worker/counsellor attached to the Cancer Section of your hospital. You will find that we get you we understand the anxiety of this roller coaster ride... It is ok to be feeling low and in shock... we are happy to say we all need to vent our frustrations and emotions and that we want you to know we are here to listen and help you navigate the way forward. Hugs and Energy Soldier Crab

@Bowie . We all know that feeling. The fear takes over every waking thought and in your dreams too. I remember crying constantly as that is what I do with severe stress. So cooking tea...crying. showering crying. Someone snarly with me...burst into tears. I couldn't possibly work. I had to attend my SIL funeral who had died of endometrial cancer the day of my biopsy. I was going to speak at her funeral ..but I got there saw her coffin and just went to pieces thinking that this would be me and my children soon. I didn't do the eulogy. I did support my nieces and nephew and brother over Christmas which was 2 days later. I kept my diagnosis secret to all but my husband. The distraction was good to be honest. But the nights were awful and once home again (300km) the waiting overwhelmed me again. But I promise you once you have those results and a treatment plan it does really get a bit easier.Your friends might not know how to support you. Knowing someone with breast cancer newly diagnosed can be confronting. What we can do though is ask for help. Reach out. Let people know you need them. Ring a friend or family or use facebook...however you do it and ask if people could if they take you out for a cuppa. Could someone come and bring a meal and stay and share. Let them know you need them and need distraction. Being always strong often means people don't realise you need them to lean on.Also the cancer council has telephone support and has a wealth of informationhttp://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/We are here to listen. You can do this. You are normal. We've got your back. Kath x

Everything is scarier at 4 in the morning! I doubt if anyone ever had a really good idea when sleepless and anxious. Talk to your GP about a Psychologist or counsellor to assist but some sleeping pills (temporary) wouldn't go amiss either. We all need help at different times, that alone takes some getting used to. I was fine during chemo but found a counsellor invaluable about getting my head around what I wanted to do next. Many of us share that awful feeling - this is the end of the life I know - but so often it's just the start (OK, very abrupt and alarming) of the next part of our lives and there is much to look forward to. It will get easier, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for the moment. Think of the good things in your life, don't let cancer occupy all of your thinking (it's easily done). When it gets too much, sit back and breathe deeply. One step, one breath at a time and you will get through this.

Dear @Bowie, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and fear. Many of us feel anxiety and depression in our lives. As Soldier Crab says, counseling is definitely a great idea. You can also ring the Cancer Council for phone counselling. My oncologist gave me a referral to a free cancer counselling service where I live. Once you get going on the treatment you will feel better which is surprising but is, I think, partly that you feel action is being taken and also you have a plan of action. You will meet some wonderful nurses, doctors, radiation people along the way. They make a huge difference. I too found some of my friends didn't step up to show they cared or to help. I was very upset about this. It's seems to be pretty common, I don't know if things would have been different if I had been better at asking for help. Along the way some other people stepped up and gave me some wonderful support. This seems to be a common experience. So you will make some new friends. I made a friend talking to a nice looking woman waiting in the surgeon's waiting room. She also had breast cancer. Going through something like cancer treatment is a great way to bond. Bosom Buddies is also a way to meet and talk to special women who have been through what you are going through and survived. Keep reaching out to your children, they are young and don't know what to do. You have to gently encourage them to help you.The cancer treatment is tough but we make it through, even those of us who are not so strong or young. It turns out we are stronger than we realize. Hollywood movies have portrayed chemotherapy as dreadful with vomiting etc. but be assured it isn't normally that bad and there are many drugs to take that help. I got constipation for a few days after each treatment, I had simple medication from the chemist for that, then a day of diarrhea with again simple chemist medication to sort that out. I never vomited. I did have nausea but I had drugs to help with it. If the first drugs aren't strong enough, there are much stronger ones available. You have to be an advocate for yourself and ask. There are a lot of people out there in the system who are there to help you. I recently met a woman who had chemo on a Friday and played tennis in the Saturday, some people cope better than you would imagine. Having said all of that, yes it's dreadful getting a diagnosis of cancer and having to go through treatment. There are hard days now and ahead. It's ok to feel overwhelmed and sad and frightened. I did too. But it's going to be ok. Treatment will end eventually.at the hospital and from the Cancer Council and this site also there are really helpful booklets about diet, treatment etc. really worth getting. This site is so helpful and supportive. Please keep us posted how you are going. Very best wishes Karen

@BowieOh Bowie - how are you today? I can see the ladies have given some very good advice. Easier said than done but worrying doesn't make it any better! As to friends and family, well that is where this forum comes into it's own and helps you through the tough emotional time that you're experiencing at present and it was great of @"Soldier Crab" to put your thoughts into the discussion area so we could see it and help you through.Friends, family, they all mean well but they haven't walked in your shoes. You said in your post you've got Rhuemotoid Arthritis, ouch! I can imagine that has been hard yards for you as well as.On the day of my diagnosis, my husband was with me and we were assigned to a Counsellor; it was obvious to us then it wasn't going to be a good day! She gave us some coping mechanisms and the main one I remember is when you are starting to feel anxious is to pat yourself down, pat your arms, pat your legs and say to yourself, yes this is me, I am still here and it brings you into the now! She also suggested to my husband to be the gatekeeper and keep the negative people out and surround yourself with positive people and positive thoughts! There are lots of positive people on this forum, all at varying stages of treatment and some doing better than others!Try and turn your time into perhaps writing a list of what you want to do or needs doing, shopping, cleaning, mending, laundry, cooking, check out online groceries, all the little things that are the everyday so you can get on top of these chores or that you maybe able to delegate or get some outside help with! or If the everyday is something you don't want to cope with at present, turn your thoughts to that book you haven't finished reading or that project you've always wanted to do! There is a post on here at present that may interest you! http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14979/creative-corner#latestDeep breath and take it easy and I hope your shopping was successful today!Take care

Bowie Struggling - she needs some encouragement

23 Replies

Ne
Member
9 years ago
Wishing I could give you a big hug right now. The ladies have all given you so much encouragement through sharing their own experiences. You will find a way to cope with all that you are faced with. We all know so very well that when people say to us "you are so brave" that we don't feel brave, we just have no choice, we do it afraid. We are here for you. It is good to talk to your GP or Specialist about anxiety and depression. I have too suffered from depression and anxiety all my life and have to say that the medication I am on is helping a lot with my mental state. I have also recently started seeing a psychologist and find the coping techniques we discuss very helpful. I want to encourage you to try doing things that takes your mind to a 'quiet' place, whether it be puzzles, art, reading a book, anything to lower your anxiety. I discovered painting while I was going through chemo and it has lowered my anxiety so much.
There is always hope, keep putting one foot in front of the other, we are here for you.
SoldierCrab
Member
9 years ago
@socoda
OMG that puzzle would send me insane I think ..... :) oh wait I am insane I have been through BC .... LOL
I am now inspired to get my jigsaws ready for the cooler months to while away my time.

Bowie what puzzles do you like to do ?
socoda
Member
9 years ago
Hi @Bowie, just wanted to say that I found my bathtub a fantastic place to have a good cry, particularly when running a bath cause no one can hear you! It's incredibly cathartic to have a good sob and release some of that pent up stress. And then when you've released your stress - now that you can go out and about - RETAIL THERAPY!!!!! Woohooooo for a new jigsaw puzzle!!! I was telling Brenda5 that my sister gave me a puzzle that is printed front and back with a 90° twist and I can only do it occasionally because I'm sure my blood pressure goes up way too high every time I try!!! Sending you a big hug. Xx Cath
Share
Member
9 years ago
Hi @Bowie - I am so sorry about your diagnosis. You will find so many kindred spirits on this site !

The 4 am horrors are the worst (or at anytime in the middle of the night for that matter).

At a time in your life when you feel so alone and isolated and that nobody understands you - we know what it feels like. It does not make each one of those dark thoughts subside but it is the new, crazy kind of normal that is bc.

Well done on you for taking a trip to the shops - driving for the first time in 8 days. It is all now a life of firsts - drive in the car; trip to the shops; out with friends. You look at your "new body" and feel like you are living an out of body experience.

So glad you are seeing your GP tomorrow. That will be an opportunity to talk with your GP and let them know you are finding all of this so overwhelming - perfectly normal. To be told that "we are all going to die of something one day" is not helpful and I am sure you have heard lots of platitudes (as we all have !). People try and make you feel better because they do not know what to say. That is their problem - not yours.

I also found the telephone counsellors through the BCNA website so invaluable.

Keep up the jigsaw puzzles - huge virtual hugs to you <3

Sheryl xxx
Karenhappyquilt
Member
9 years ago
I found puzzles a good distraction. They had to be easy though! Karen
InkPetal
Member
9 years ago

Brenda5 said:

Wow I thought I was the only silly person doing jigsaws.

No way! Jigsaws are awesome!! :heart:
SoldierCrab
Member
9 years ago
@Brenda5 go for a walk and come back to the jigsaw, your mind will be refreshed and ready to see the right pieces.
Brenda5
Member
9 years ago
Wow I thought I was the only silly person doing jigsaws. I was stupid enough to start a 5000 piece one and starting to regret it. I have gotten 2 pieces in all morning! :open_mouth:
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
@Bowie I absolutely felt every bit of you with your post. Thanks @"Soldier Crab" for putting this in a discussion for us all. No words can explain to someone not having been where you are right in this moment, but knowing we are absolutely all here and most importantly understand the intense complexity of everything you say. This is the one place I can be incredibly REAL and HONEST about everything to do with this relentless journey! There are empowering moments and Im so glad though youre stuffed you found one just by getting some food!!! There are incredibly soul destroying moments when we do question HOW we are going to do any of it..where will it end up...we just dont know. All we have is this moment. I LOVE PUZZLES TOO!!! I like all of us would love to be in your lounge right now encouraging and supporting...and in a way we are...hang in there! You really will surprise yourself! Big hugs Melinda xo
Afraser
Member
9 years ago
I'm the sort of weird agnostic who plugs her headphones into Songs of Praise on the treadmill at the gym on a Sunday morning! This morning this verse made me think of all the people on this site:

I will weep when you are weeping,
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joys and sorrows,
Till we see this journey through.

Happy day all.