Not sure where to turn for advice
Having been recently diagnosed with a 7.7cm tumour in my B-cup breast (luminal A, invasive ductal carcinoma) and no detectable tumours elsewhere, I've been scheduled for a mastectomy next week, followed by radiation, and possibly chemo, age 43. I don't want to have a mastectomy or subsequent treatment, for a number of reasons. Psychological firstly. Not having longevity as a goal. Not feeling I can physically show up and consent to disfiguring, aggressive and permanently polluting (of body) treatments - feeling that I'd rather die a natural death. Not fearing death. Not feeling any psychological aversion to what's in my breast, not feeling any pain or physical inconvenience from it currently. And also because if it hasn't spread in all the time it took to get that big, evidence that I've found seems to indicate it's not going to spread. (i.e. cancers between about 6cm and 15cm at diagnosis have about equal chance of also having been found in lymph nodes or elsewhere at diagnosis - the 15cm cancers were once 7cm but no greater chance of spread in all that time? Seems the horse has already bolted and is just hiding out dormant elsewhere in body already, or is just peacefully grazing in its own paddock and will never bolt, so either way what's the point in closing the gate / lopping the tit anyway?) I know this is such an unusual way of thinking and I'm having so much trouble getting relevant advice. If I don't get treatment what can I expect my body to do? I'm also very worried about causing distress to people close to me who still expect me to get these awful treatments, I feel pushed by their expectations to do something major to my body I feel personally averse to, I don't know how to tell them. Wondering how to not distress others in any way, seems to be the cause of the majority of my own distress. Any suggestions for where to turn for more advice, or if anyone has had similar thoughts, or evidence/articles to contradict the idea that cancer spreads early in its development if it's going to at all, or just impressions about this situation you might like to share, I would appreciate it. (I have just started seeing a general counsellor with no cancer knowledge, and have also contacted Cancer Council counselling and made an appointment but that will be in 3 weeks. I don't think they'll have the medical answers I'm after, anyway. More support and sooner and more relevant could be so stress-relieving.) Sorry for long post and weird topic.
Despair
Hello. Have had surgery and will start radiotherapy on the 19th June and estrogen blocker for 5 years. Had Asperger's Syndrome and depression already. I'm 53 and after an horrendous life filled with cruelty I thought I would get through this easily as it is not the worst thing that has happened to me. No. I am numb, have developed a hatred for men and spend every day fighting off suicidal thoughts. I know I will get through however I am seeing myself from an out of body sort of sensation where I feel as though someone else has taken over. I feel like an entirely different person and am aware that I am developing some kind of disassociative personality disorder. Autism is exhausting and this on top of it is like being buried alive. I don't want to add to anyone's depression but I really have nothing left to give. I don't know what else to do.
Bowie Struggling - she needs some encouragement
Bowie Well it's just past 4 in the morning ..can't sleep ..Can't get the fear of waiting for my post op results next week and what the treatment is in plan ..l fear Chemo so much .l have suffered anxiety and depression most of my life and have Rhuemotoid Arthritis for 10 yrs .I fear my body won't cope with all this and my mind is just so crazy with negative thoughts all the time ,,, l lam so lonely my friends are not so supportive as l thought my kids are busy with there own lives ...Today l am going to drive for the first time in 8 days ..l will take it slowly as l need to get food ...Every time l wake up l look down at my boobs and think it was all a dream ...but no it is not ..The tail spin of the day is so long .Yes l no we all die of something as people keep saying ..but l feel like l am slowly dying very quickly if that makes sense ..l have fleeting momements of a happy life then it just turns back to the nightmare of this life l am up against.Sozz on such a downer .but need to get it out ..Love to you all. Xxxxx
I feel like a fraud...
I was diagnosed on Friday with an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in my right breast. I am in shock. It is small and they have found it early which is all positive. But why do I feel so bad and scared. I feel like I am being told that it is small, it will be dealt with quickly, most women survive, I've got nothing to worry about... Yes all of that is good to hear but right now I am just trying to come to terms with the words I have breast cancer. It is probably stupid but I feel that I don't have the right to be feeling the way I do. It is not as bad as so many other women may have and have dealt with. I am making a fuss over nothing. The fact that I already suffer from depression and anxiety one means I am an emotional mess right now, but two makes me feel that people will say that I am making this big thing over nothing and that I'm a nutcase anyway and its just another thing that I'm carrying on about. It is all new to me, I don't really know what to expect or how long this whole process will take. I don't have enough information yet. I see my GP on Tues and then I guess we organise about seeing a surgeon or specialist. The doctors and nurses at Breastscreen were wonderful but just kept saying take it one step at a time, which is fine but I need some idea of how many steps there might be. Yes I know this is an unknown at this early stage and it will depend on further tests and who knows what... my mind is just racing around in circles right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I am rambling. Have other women felt the same way? What am I meant to feel?