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MandaMoo's avatar
MandaMoo
Member
15 years ago

So many thoughts...

I don't know where to start :-).  

I don't expect a response - I am just writing what is going through my head - maybe somewhere down the track someone like me will find this and relate :-)

There are so many thoughts.  I can't believe it is now 3 1/2 weeks since my diagnosis. It feels like a lifetime and a blink all at the same time.  Just yesterday I felt energetic, normal and full of life and a i feel like it was a lifetime ago that I didn't have breast cancer.  I feel weird saying it - isn't it all out - can't I say I had it when I didn't know it and now it's all gone? I feel like this is happening to someone else yet I am the one with the scars, the discomfort, the 12 months of treatment ahead - but it's not there anymore is it?  Maybe this is what they talk about when they talk about the Stages of grieving - I'm still in denial - that's it - shit that means there are a hell of a lot more stages to go through before I accept it!  

Why is everyone hugging me and looking at me with sympathy?  (Didn't I do the same to others?) I'm ok - its just a little thing - I've got it beat! My sister in law is going to visit, then my brother - friends from way back are getting in touch - wow - is it that bad?  

Gus says - "Mum when you have no hair, you won't be you anymore will you?"  Yes, mate - I'll still be me, just without hair.  "But I won't recognise you - you won't be you"

Alex says "Are you going to die?

Mic says "I'll organise a mini fields day at school Mum, the principle is shaving his head for leukemia, we'll do a breast cancer day too."

My husband cries "I can't stand the thought of losing you" That's not going to be us! "I know but I just can't stand it"

I've had one minimeltdown - I was at my girls music lesson watching Alex stumble, learning fingers on her violin and I was struck by a thought that I might never see her play with confidence, enjoy fully what comes with a love of music and performance.  I might never see Mic sing professionally as she dreams to do. What will Gus enjoy - he loves music - will he want to go that way too or will football be his thing? Who would encourage that if I'm not here.  I was so scared, I lost it but then I pulled myself together - I had surgery to get through and now I'm here - its not happening to me, the surgery got rid of it and the odds are good.

But why do people insist on telling you the stories without the happy endings - we all know someone, we all know there are those stories, they had good odds too - what if your that 1 in 10?

My husbands anguish yesterday threw me - he had been told one of those stories, he was bereft.  I can't bear to think about it because if I do I might not get out of the hole.  I know the hole can be deep, I've spent some time down there before.  Here I was searching for wigs on the internet, wondering how I am going to tie my scarves with this manky arm I've got at the moment, booking a final hair appointment before we take the girls to Mary Poppins and organising a French Champagne celebration to toast the shaving of my head!  Am I mad or is this just the new normal?

6 Replies

  • MandaMoo's avatar
    MandaMoo
    Member
    15 years ago

    Thanks everyone.  It did help just to get it down.  The conflicting emotions were driving me a bit crazy.  I am still to reach a point that not every waking thought is one relating to BC - well not every one but about 99% of them!  LOL!  I'm sure that will come.

    Dawn - I totally relate to the car crash thing - I thought that today.  

    You ladies are wonderful - thank you.

    Amanda 

  • Debbie_J's avatar
    Debbie_J
    Member
    15 years ago

    Well I have my breast off on Wednesday and gland and lymph nodes, I still can not beleive this is happening to me.  We have so much support from these amazing women, when I am down I read their stories and it gives me hope.

    I found by writting down my thoughts really helps. Wishing you all the best .

    Debbie  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • gleesond's avatar
    gleesond
    Member
    15 years ago

    Way to go for getting your emotions out there - it always feels better once it's out. I know what you mean about people always telling you the bad stories - so frustrating!!!! But, just know that the odds ARE in  your favour and you will be okay. It's always helps me to remind myself that I could just as easily die in a car accident or some other strange and unexpected way and that the odds of that happening are probably higher right now than dying of cancer!

    Just remember - cancer is just a word. A scary word but still just a word. You will beat this. Keep getting your thoughts out in the open - it's liberating! And, one day when you've come through your treatment and are back to living your "normal" life you can read how far you've come.

    Best of luck. Keep smilin'. Hugs..xxxxx

    Dawn

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    15 years ago

    Hi, You are doing great.  One of the best things to do is write your feelings down - then put it away. When I was first diagnosed 4 years ago, all I could think of was what songs I needed to put to paper for my funeral.  My elder daughter said to me "Mum you need to fight this - you are not fighting hard enough"  and I thought "what is she talking about - what more could I do?".  Anyway I overloaded myself with knowledge and got on with it.  Once you are in treatment it just happens.  You will meet so many wonderful people on your way - medical, other patients, carers - it is a whole new world.  I found it really hard going back to work after 9 months because I had changed and my work collegues were still "normal".  Patience is another key.  It takes time for everything to happen.  My original surgeon said "there is no hurry".  Of course we all want to be "normal" and for it all to be over.  The fact is once you have bc you then get a "new" normal - and it is SO MUCH BETTER.  Sure we are a little bit broken but we are BETTER.  From my point of view and subsequent second diagnosis last December I am "flying high".  I enjoy every day that I am well and I still love to love and give and by giving now I find that I receive so much in return - I am more open to it.  First time around I was terrified of radiation - something new - now I have just finished my radiation therapy for the second time.   Now if I was completely honest, I am terrified of chemo (once again something new) but by listening to all those who have experienced it before me I gain strength and know that I will be able to "front" this next challenge with determinination and knowledge to survive it.  Keep letting your thoughts out. This is a great avenue.  I, like most of us, can shelter my family by laying down my thoughts and fears on this site with Friends.XLeonie

  • chemostyle's avatar
    chemostyle
    Member
    15 years ago

    You are not alone, I felt like that too ...

    Unwanted Eyes ...

    Interesting how people around you react, but one thing you are in control of is TELL these people what you want from them ..

    - I want to talk about something else

    - I want to be happy infront of my children, so if you don't mind

    - I want to be distracted, please don't ask me how i found my lumps ...

    - I want to ...

    - Thank you for offering, I will take up you offer later on ... if I need it ..

    Funny, I learned to be more ASSERTIVE after many questions from school-mums that I don't really well, those eyes and those unwanted attension ..

    Hair Loss ... Anazing what it meant to me inside

    With young boys (2, 6) then, after my second round of chemo - I change Hair Style.  I told my kids that Mummy now wants a Pirate hairstyle - so I can be the girl version of Jack Sparrow (Jonny Depp from Pirates of the Carribean) !!  So I can be comfortable at home with no wigs.  So my kids shaved my hair.  My 2yr was happy for about 2 minutes then he realise what was happening started going histerical because mummy doesn't look like mummy again.... but he was alright after I hug him with my new hair-do! So I am still MUM, I am still LOVING and CARING. He just started to associate Mummy with no hair.  It was easy for kids ... they cope better then we do!

    I shopped for Wigs with few of my girl friends, thinking I can't face the world with NO HAIR .. it is not me.  So before I went for my surgery, I went to hair dresser for the last time to make my self look beautiful - new hair cut, new hair colour. Just to cheer myself up, just to say I am ok .. even if and ifs ..etc.

    Anyway, I though I will wear my wig for 2 months before I can face the world.  But you know what, on the first day I told my son to school with my Pirate head scarf - My kids though Mum is  COOL, Mum is Funky .. (privately, I though stuff it, I will be me ...)  I started dressing up, accesseries and all ...

    My Mentor's words

    In tears, I told my mentor I have BC.  I was so surprised at what she said: "You know what, if you ever going to have cancer - BC is the best one to have - because there is a set path of treatments, and very high sucess rate."   It is a 2 year journey for me, but I learned alot about me.

    Husband - he needs friends and support too.  My husband did .. and our family are better for it.  Theraphy cost money, but if it helps it is worth it.

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    15 years ago

    Hi Amanda,

    You've had a scare and it's normal to reflect on the "what ifs". I can remember the first time thinking "what a fuss for a small lump".I didn't feel sick,didn't even know I had cancer.But ofcourse,once the treatment starts you sure as hell feel sick then! Flowers,cards and well meaning comments come flooding in and you wonder if you did the right thing telling everyone.Many people don't have have any medical knowledge and  they hear the"c"word and immediately think the worst.The looks of pity are hard to take,especially when your hair falls out.  But we,in the cancer world, know that it's a beatable disease if caught early. And then we have to stay vigilent and hopeful.It will be hard for you with little kids.Mine were older but one was doing her school certificate and the other daughter her HSC. So when is a good time??I can also remember reading stacks of cancer books.I needed to know how I got b cancer when there was no family history.I thought I could prevent it coming back.It really does your head in,all this thinking.In life,shit just happens-and often to really nice people.So give your head a break from time to time and try not to think too far ahead.Your reactions are all normal.Your head is just trying to catch up with what's just happened to your body.

                               Tonya xx