So many thoughts...

You are not alone, I felt like that too ...

Unwanted Eyes ...

Interesting how people around you react, but one thing you are in control of is TELL these people what you want from them ..

- I want to talk about something else

- I want to be happy infront of my children, so if you don't mind

- I want to be distracted, please don't ask me how i found my lumps ...

- I want to ...

- Thank you for offering, I will take up you offer later on ... if I need it ..

Funny, I learned to be more ASSERTIVE after many questions from school-mums that I don't really well, those eyes and those unwanted attension ..

Hair Loss ... Anazing what it meant to me inside

With young boys (2, 6) then, after my second round of chemo - I change Hair Style.  I told my kids that Mummy now wants a Pirate hairstyle - so I can be the girl version of Jack Sparrow (Jonny Depp from Pirates of the Carribean) !!  So I can be comfortable at home with no wigs.  So my kids shaved my hair.  My 2yr was happy for about 2 minutes then he realise what was happening started going histerical because mummy doesn't look like mummy again.... but he was alright after I hug him with my new hair-do! So I am still MUM, I am still LOVING and CARING. He just started to associate Mummy with no hair.  It was easy for kids ... they cope better then we do!

I shopped for Wigs with few of my girl friends, thinking I can't face the world with NO HAIR .. it is not me.  So before I went for my surgery, I went to hair dresser for the last time to make my self look beautiful - new hair cut, new hair colour. Just to cheer myself up, just to say I am ok .. even if and ifs ..etc.

Anyway, I though I will wear my wig for 2 months before I can face the world.  But you know what, on the first day I told my son to school with my Pirate head scarf - My kids though Mum is  COOL, Mum is Funky .. (privately, I though stuff it, I will be me ...)  I started dressing up, accesseries and all ...

My Mentor's words

In tears, I told my mentor I have BC.  I was so surprised at what she said: "You know what, if you ever going to have cancer - BC is the best one to have - because there is a set path of treatments, and very high sucess rate."   It is a 2 year journey for me, but I learned alot about me.

Husband - he needs friends and support too.  My husband did .. and our family are better for it.  Theraphy cost money, but if it helps it is worth it.