LOSER

So please bear with me. This may seem self indulgent. I have to get it out. Maybe I am not alone in my feelings. I work hard to stay positive, to maintain some hope as it seems to be running out. I like to project positive energy believing that we can manifest things in our lives if we try hard enough. But... I'll put it out there. I feel like a failure. In a pink world of battling the beast, of being on a journey that will enrich me, of fighting a war, of being a battler - I'm failing. When I was diagnosed with secondaries, albeit a little sooner than the average Mary JO, my optimistic oncologist said, don't worry, it's a chronic disease, you can live for a long time managing this with medication. I have always been happy to have such an optimistic and proactive oncologist. I thought I would increase my odds of this extended survival throwing myself into lifestyle change, learning to meditate, investigating my spiritual side, exercising. I even swam an ocean race. I learned lots, my life was enriched, I felt healthy and well. My disease however, continued to charge along despite what we threw at it. Don't do chemo at all screamed the alternative corners - poison, totally wrong approach, heal with this powder, this diet, this healer, photodynamic therapy, vitamin C infusions. Let's try another trial, different chemo combination from the other corner. Meld the best of what makes sense. Are you winning? I heard the volunteer ask a lady beside me at day onc... I can't win this one she says... (At that stage I didn't know about my secondaries, I didn't understand the option of not being able to win.) Winning/losing - living/dying This war, battle mentality makes losers of us, failures. Continuously I see on social media when someone talks about their advanced diagnosis - messages of you can do it, you're strong and brave, kick cancer in the butt. Isn't that what we all try to do? Well most of us. we all know some for whom it is all too much. Does anyone give a second thought to how this makes us feel? What about when you try your heart put. You fight for the latest drugs, you go on the trials, you become vegan, you change your life, you address your emotional demons yet still none of it works. I feel like a failure. For me this is not a chronic disease. I've always seen anything less than cure as failure but would have been happy with long term stability. I have failed my family - my husband and children. While I know and understand people will say this is not true, it is how I feel. No mother should leave her children before they are adults. They should not have to see you crying in pain, drowsy from the drugs. No husband should have to say, it's time to manage this differently now. He should be planning hideous driving trips and overseas holidays for our retirement instead of working out how to live and pay for medications and expenses. They will feel abandoned. My Girls understand I may die from this, my boy has no idea. How is he going to feel when one day Mummy just isn't here anymore? I've never failed anything in my life - I'm your classic high achiever. Put my mind to it and it is mine. When I got cancer diagnosed - it didn't even cross my mind that the disease could kill me, when I was told it would I was blindsided and determined to be the one that surprised the drs - if anyone could it would be me. In this, the biggest test, I am failing. So why do we talk like this? How does a dying person feel when the world uses words like 'lost the battle' = LOSER. 'Failed trastuzamab' = FAILURE Why is the person turned into the one who made this happen? Why don't we die of cancer instead of losing the battle? I don't know. Just had to get it out there. I to,d my husband I felt like a failure - he told me I was a hero - but heroes have superpowers and would never die from cancer, would they? A x