LOSER

Amanda, I cannot for one minute pretend to know what you are going through; for now I only live with the fear of secondaries, not the reality as you do. And yet so much of what you write -- as always -- resonates. You have the gift of being a beautiful writer, the gift of being an extraordinary communicator, and in these fields you most definitely can take comfort in not being a failure. But what comfort can that bring you when you are staring death in the face sooner than you wished? When you ache at the goodbyes you know will come, to your husband, your children, the others you love, who love you? But I'd proffer that it is not you that is failing. What is failing you is a medical system that won't offer you treatments without crippling financial cost; science and research that just can't come quickly enough for you; the genetic lottery that wrote this code and destiny into your genes and gave you no say. I keep tapping more and deleting and trying again and failing to be able to communicate adequately just how distressed I am for you. You have had such a deep impact on me since I joined this site on diagnosis 11 months ago. Barely a day goes by I don't think of you and wonder how you are. And that will be a lasting legacy - you've touched lives well beyond your inner circle. You've shared beauty and pain; joy and heart ache; wisdom and wit and lessons learned with a generosity of spirit that is remarkable. I won't tell you to be strong or hopeful or that most dreaded of cliches -- 'let's kick cancer in the butt' -- but I do hope in coming days you come to a place of peace that you have not failed, but life and circumstances have failed you. May tonight find you asleep wrapped in your loving husband's arms, and even if for a few short hours, you both feel no pain, no fear, just dream the dreams that make your spirits at least flutter if not soar. With love. xox