Frustrated by Perfect Survirors

Kyra​ 

I am not a fan of the 'survivor' tag - people who've had heart attacks, broken hips, or other painful ailments with long term implications don't seem to need the tag. Ditto 'battler' or 'warrior'. Just as cancer is not one thing, recovery isn't either. The intention of the tag may be pure, a pat on the back, we've all done a great job. But sometimes you really don't feel great at all. I am one of those who did do well. But this site is the only place I (irregularly) talk about cancer. One of the things I do say is that trying to get back to your 'old self' isn't possible. Not for any doom or gloom reason, simply that while there may be somewhere in this vast universe where time runs in different directions, we live on a planet where it doesn't. We can't actually go back to anything - not our childhood, a happier time, not even a holiday. We go forward. I didn't go back to my old self - I found counselling very useful. It was only a short time, but it focussed me on what I wanted to do in the future, better, more satisfyingly rather than continuing everything I was before. I started a new job (68), with a compressed week so I had a three day weekend and the same income. Like you, I joined a gym (never too late). Started some philosophy courses. I live with peripheral neuropathy, lymphoedema, an arrythmia and one boob, but it's the only body I have and most of the time it does me proud. The person you are now sounds pretty gutsy to me, perhaps she just needs more time in the sun. Very best wishes.

Hi Kyra

None of us are truly OK. We are all scared of recurrence or we are going through the long-lasting side effects of the treatment. These positive attitudes we try to hold onto are part of survivorship. I was diagnosed in 2023, and that was the day I knew my life would never be the same. We are all different. I am grateful to the women who shared their journeys and offered support to me.

I am not a perfect survivor, because the perfect survivor does not exist. But with a positive attitude and by looking after ourselves, we keep going — surviving, for however long we can. In the meantime, connecting with other women who have had similar experiences can help. I also do not want to be judged for looking after myself, laughing, and staying active. I have gone through a lot, and I am still going through a lot.

I am selective. I do not engage with every woman who has been through the breast‑cancer journey, because I do not always relate to their attitudes or philosophies. I understand how you feel. You need to choose who you spend time with and who you rely on for support. If you cannot, ignorance might help. I am lucky to have joined a local cancer support group for women. We organise events, exercise sessions, networking activities, and support each other. We rarely talk about our cancers unless someone needs guidance or advice. BCNA has helped me a lot, especially through the ladies who share their good and bad stories. And we need more stories to be shared. 

Take care❤️

Hi Kyra​ 

I agree 150% with Christina_BCNA​'s writings - specially the last paragraph xx

Please be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be inspirational. You don't have to mentor anyone or run a fitness class anytime soon. You don't have to look perfect, feel grateful every day, or prove that you've "moved on." Sometimes just getting through the day is enough. Sending a big virtual hug. 💕 You're certainly not alone in feeling this way.

Everyone heals & recovers at different rates.  Their surgeries and treatments may differ (tho they may 'sound' the same as yours) .... and the truth is that NO-ONE is the same after ANY Cancer diagnosis, surgery & treatment.  And NO-ONE really has a clue of what you're going thru - until they have their own diagnosis. (Even having a family member being diagnosed previously - as happened with me - doesn't really prepare you for your own diagnosis. It prepares you for the 'process' but not the emotional/psychological hit!)   :( 

It can take YEARS to recover both physically & mentally - and to be totally honest, I am not really sure that you ever DO recover fully, emotionally!  (I am in my 9th year now - and still have the odd 'bad brain day'!)  This diagnosis, surgery & treatment really mucks with your brain even more than your body.  Sometimes we just have to take it one week at a time, one day - or even 1 hour at a time, if need be xx. Give yourself permission to grieve for the person you were .... and acceptance of the person you are now xx. In time, it DOES get better xx

And guaranteed - those people who are presenting to you as "100% recovered, fit & happy" - would definitely have had the wheels fall off at least once during their own treatment too (I know I did - a couple of times!)  Maybe they are just better at masking it!?   I run a ukulele group & we perform at Nursing Homes & the like ... and I always put my 'performance face' on, no matter how I am feeling inside .... it's like a switch - I turn it on when I need to!   They are probably doing the same - as that is 'what we do'.

I hear you, specially re " my body is 15 years older than it should be" - that is the MAJOR thing that really 'got to me' right from the start .... I used to the fit & thin - now I am not fit & am flabby instead - and it still makes me angry!  :(   It is not the person I would choose to be - but it sure beats the alternative!  

Try and find some goodness in every day - it could be walking along a beach with your feet in the water .... having coffee with friends .... doing Wordle (I do - I have a bunch of friends who do it every day & we get fairy points for 'winning' - tho often we are 'twins or triplets' when we get it out in the same number of goes and occasionally we bomb out & have a laugh!) ... It could be going to the movies  - or just enjoying beautiful flowers on a morning's walk, or even helping a buddy get THEIR garden beautiful?   
Maybe even try something 'new' (I recommend Ukulele!!  I am more than happy to give you some tips!) - as I reckon everyone needs to have 'you time' .... something special that you enjoy doing for yourself, no-one else need be involved - tho you can include them if you'd like!!   
I actually joined an online mob who send out a calendar every month to encourage 'good days' .... Here's their Sept 'self care' Calendar - they send one out each month!  You don't have to actually DO every day ... but it just gives a few tips on getting out & doing stuff, just for YOU!
https://actionforhappiness.org/calendar

I like the saying:  Face the Sun and the Shadows fall Behind you xx

Take care & all the best 

Great reply Christina!!

I've watched The Whole Story about Bec. I won't lie. My eyes filled with tears.

I really feel for Kyra. Life can be really difficult sometimes. I have some really **bleep**ty frustating days still, but keep it to myself most of the time. Unless you are going through it, people don't always understand. That's why this forum is so good because you are able to vent.

And yes, please be kind to yourself Kyra. ❤️

Hi Kyra​ 

Firstly, thank you for sharing this. ❤️ Honestly, I think there are probably more people reading your words and quietly nodding along than it might appear.

What you're describing is something many people don't talk about. We often see the "after" version of cancer in public. The person running fundraising events, mentoring others, smiling in photos, attending workshops, and looking like they've rebuilt their life. What we don't always see are the people who are still struggling years later, who are exhausted, grieving, dealing with ongoing side effects, working full-time because they have no choice, or wondering why everyone else seems to have recovered when they haven't. 

We could all use a gentle reminder not to compare our struggles to someone else's highlight reel. The woman running your fitness group may well have her own challenges that aren't visible. But equally, it's okay to acknowledge that seeing people who appear to be thriving can be painful when you're struggling. 

We know there is no single breast cancer story. The realities are incredibly varied, and one film or campaign could never capture the full breadth of what people live through. That’s an important part of what #TheWholeStory is about. Our film tells one story, but we want the campaign to create space for many more voices and perspectives, including those that too often go unseen or unspoken. 

As part of this, we’re inviting people across our network to share their whole story on their own social channels. If you feel comfortable, we’d love you to add your voice by sharing whatever parts of your story feel important to you, in whatever way feels right. You can use #TheWholeStory and tag @‌breastcancernetworkaustralia so we can see and help amplify it. By bringing more stories into the conversation, together we can build a much fuller picture of what breast cancer can mean and ensure a greater breadth of voices are heard.

Watch Bec's Whole Story here

Please be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be inspirational. You don't have to mentor anyone or run a fitness class anytime soon. You don't have to look perfect, feel grateful every day, or prove that you've "moved on." Sometimes just getting through the day is enough. Sending a big virtual hug. 💕 You're certainly not alone in feeling this way.