Frustrated by Perfect Survirors

Hi Kyra​ 

I agree 150% with Christina_BCNA​'s writings - specially the last paragraph xx

Please be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be inspirational. You don't have to mentor anyone or run a fitness class anytime soon. You don't have to look perfect, feel grateful every day, or prove that you've "moved on." Sometimes just getting through the day is enough. Sending a big virtual hug. 💕 You're certainly not alone in feeling this way.

Everyone heals & recovers at different rates.  Their surgeries and treatments may differ (tho they may 'sound' the same as yours) .... and the truth is that NO-ONE is the same after ANY Cancer diagnosis, surgery & treatment.  And NO-ONE really has a clue of what you're going thru - until they have their own diagnosis. (Even having a family member being diagnosed previously - as happened with me - doesn't really prepare you for your own diagnosis. It prepares you for the 'process' but not the emotional/psychological hit!)   :( 

It can take YEARS to recover both physically & mentally - and to be totally honest, I am not really sure that you ever DO recover fully, emotionally!  (I am in my 9th year now - and still have the odd 'bad brain day'!)  This diagnosis, surgery & treatment really mucks with your brain even more than your body.  Sometimes we just have to take it one week at a time, one day - or even 1 hour at a time, if need be xx. Give yourself permission to grieve for the person you were .... and acceptance of the person you are now xx. In time, it DOES get better xx

And guaranteed - those people who are presenting to you as "100% recovered, fit & happy" - would definitely have had the wheels fall off at least once during their own treatment too (I know I did - a couple of times!)  Maybe they are just better at masking it!?   I run a ukulele group & we perform at Nursing Homes & the like ... and I always put my 'performance face' on, no matter how I am feeling inside .... it's like a switch - I turn it on when I need to!   They are probably doing the same - as that is 'what we do'.

I hear you, specially re " my body is 15 years older than it should be" - that is the MAJOR thing that really 'got to me' right from the start .... I used to the fit & thin - now I am not fit & am flabby instead - and it still makes me angry!  :(   It is not the person I would choose to be - but it sure beats the alternative!  

Try and find some goodness in every day - it could be walking along a beach with your feet in the water .... having coffee with friends .... doing Wordle (I do - I have a bunch of friends who do it every day & we get fairy points for 'winning' - tho often we are 'twins or triplets' when we get it out in the same number of goes and occasionally we bomb out & have a laugh!) ... It could be going to the movies  - or just enjoying beautiful flowers on a morning's walk, or even helping a buddy get THEIR garden beautiful?   
Maybe even try something 'new' (I recommend Ukulele!!  I am more than happy to give you some tips!) - as I reckon everyone needs to have 'you time' .... something special that you enjoy doing for yourself, no-one else need be involved - tho you can include them if you'd like!!   
I actually joined an online mob who send out a calendar every month to encourage 'good days' .... Here's their Sept 'self care' Calendar - they send one out each month!  You don't have to actually DO every day ... but it just gives a few tips on getting out & doing stuff, just for YOU!
https://actionforhappiness.org/calendar

I like the saying:  Face the Sun and the Shadows fall Behind you xx

Take care & all the best