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All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..
To say its been a tough week, has been an understatement even after a recurrence multiple surgeries and treatments over the past 6yrs. As much as I knew it was coming, I wasnt prepared for the call from Hospital for my pre-admission tomorrow. 19 months on from a lumpectomy, 13 months post chemo, happy, healthy reclaiming my life. The mental torture has been relentless this week, knowing I'm WELL but in light of a recurrence don't gamble Melinda, do a Mastectomy/Diep flap reconstruction. Even knowing deep down its the best thing I could do, I still struggle with the loss, the prevention, the surgery. Its always been my struggle getting to this decision now it is here, I don't feel any different, I'm still struggling with it. I can be honest, I'm scared, petrified of the actual surgery, the recovery, the loss, the end result. Struggling with feeling Im damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe I'll feel different once it's done? Ive looked at it every which way possible, and its just so mentally challenging when I know Im so well...the tears havent stopped. I will also be mostly alone through recovery as my kids are going to live with their Dad as its easier for them to get to Uni and my baby in VCE. Whilst its the right thing for me to do...am heartbroken to not have them with me loving and supporting me. My Partner lives an hour away, due to work and life will only be able to manage at different times. Another reminder of traveling this road nearly 7yrs without my Mum, lucky to have my Dad who wants to help but is 77. Inspite of all this, knowing how incredibly lucky am I really!!! how dare I be sad, upset, angry, so why do I struggle, don't know how to resolve this for myself?? I've always been proactive, positive and upbeat...hoping its purely the fear thats getting in the way...
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- Thinking of you Melinda. Sending hugs to let you know you are never really alone. We are all here for you. Deanne xxx
- Thinking of you Mel.....it's a difficult time, but like the others I have always seen how supportive and caring your posts have been. It's now our time to care for you. I had a mastectomy April last year and planned DIEP for this March. So we are on similar (albeit individual) paths! With you there in spirit and sending love, virtual hugs that will hopefully wrap around you and help you to feel less alone. Nikki ❤️❤️❤️❤️
- This too will pass. It's a crappy situation and second guessing yourself is absolutely normal. Exhausting, but normal.
Go to the appointment but give yourself permission to change your mind at any time. My bet is you will do what you are planning to do because you have thought it through and made a decision based on what is best for you and your chances of survival, but in the end it is one option and you are the one calling the shots.
I remember sitting in the admissions clinic clutching my backpack in one hand and a chair in the other having to physically restrain myself from bolting. In the end I got on the trolley, because that's what we do--make tough and unpalatable decisions based on the best evidence we can gather. Good luck. Marg - @KatyJoy thank you! Im feeling very focused today, ready to face it all head on. I think after this long appointment with all the professionals I'll feel more in the know and OK. Hugs Melinda xo
- Hi @melclarity, I just wanted to wish you well for your pre admission, hopefully you can get an idea of when your surgery date will be and plan for the next stage, although I'm sure your feelings must be so mixed as you currently feel so well.
- @Pammy46 Ohh Thank you!!! Well you and everyone here inspire me constantly!! So thank you for the support also!! Im very humbled xo
@Isaidso Terrie Thank you too! I really appreciate the encouragement and support! I love HUGS!!! LOL and so love to share them with everyone here! I also have a wicked sense of humour and Im digging super deep right now! Loving the Bear Hug!! Thanks heaps xoxo - @"Hopes and Dreams" Oh Jane thank you honestly, damn!!! I thought these tears were finished until I read your post on top of everyone elses WHOA!!!! BIG BREATH!!!! You hit it on the head, im sacrificing it for the future, everything is perspective isn't it!!! I so admire everyone here for what they have endured and continue to endure, so many without choices. I must remind myself how gutted I was at my recurrence in 2015 complete disbelief. This might sound strange, but Ive always been incredibly independent and have raised my children for the past 6yrs alone, my baby in VCE this year. I actually found myself wishing I had my family unit, husband and all to take care of me....it wasnt to be and I had to do most of it alone. I think with my Mum gone too there have been moments when I just want to stop being the strong one and someone sweep me up and nurture and look after me. But I have realized Ive had to do all of that for myself, I am blessed to have so much and people who cherish me, but maybe this was my lesson, its given me a chance to learn to love ME so much more and my importance above everyone else. Its pretty powerful, I actually think Im a better Mum for it lol...all be it swearing and cranky at times haha!! Thanks Jane xo
- Hi Mel, I'm a newcomer to this forum and have noted the warmth and compassion in your responses to myself and others. In your responses there's also a dash of good humour and the hugs, which mean everything and make all the difference!
You have a bandwagon of support here and so
I wish you love and light on this part of your journey. Sending you a great big bear hug being very mindful of the sore bits!! Terrie xxx - Hi Mel you have been through so much these last years you have encouraged me on so many of my posts you inspire me to keep looking forward
I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx - I'm so sorry that you are struggling Mel. You are amazingly strong and always there for everyone else, I wish there was some way to ease your struggle. Facing surgery is always frightening and I know you haven't had the best experiences in the past. Every single one of us understands how you feel! Great to put on a brave face for others, but you can't do that to yourself and you don't need to do it for us. You have been through so much and look at you!! You are amazing :smile:
You will get through this too. You are sacrificing your weary, battle scarred breast for your future - so you can have a wonderful, healthy life with your kids, partner and loved ones. I lost my dad but I know he was watching over me, your mum will be right beside you. Dads love their girls, if he is able I'm sure it would mean a lot to him to be able to help you.
Great that you have a bit of lead in time before surgery, a chance to cook and freeze to make your first couple of weeks at home easier. Sending you a huge hug. Love Jane xx
