Missing my privacy

Ammo4
Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
edited October 2013 in Health and wellbeing

Hi there. I am a 45 yr old married mum of 4 who lives in a country town where everybody knows everybody. I had a 4cm tumor and 9 cancerous lymph nodes so full mastectomy to affected side and all lymph nodes removed. I have been  told i am most likely to have a great outcome but i am having full on chemo and radiation to make sure every evil cell is gone. I have a positive attitude and peopple are amazed but I cant imagine getting thru this any other way. I can handle losing a body part as i simply had no choice. What i cant handle is losing my hair. Its not even a vanity thing. Its taken me most of my 45 years to actually be comfortable with my thick long curls. I actually wouldnt even mind losing my hair but now that my hair is falling out it wont be long befor everybody knows i have cancer and i can no longer keep it private. Not looking forward to the looks of sympathy or making others feel uncomfortable.

 

 

Im annoyed that now I can no longer choose who knows about my BC as it will be very obvious that i have cancer. I said to hubby this morning the thing about losing my hair is that people are now going to see me with my 4 young children and think the worst and feel sorry for me when I am trying to stay positive.

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Comments

  • Deb F
    Deb F Member Posts: 41
    edited March 2015
    I felt very similar when I received my initial diagnosis last year. When my hair started to fall out it made it very real, the whole cancer thing. Don't be embarrassed. Try to take it in your stride. People will ask stupid stuff but on the whole, most people are just concerned. Your kids will see you with no hair and so will your hubby, so they are the ones that really matter. The whole small town syndrome can actually work in your favour, people will want to help. Accept it, they are just trying to lighten the load. I hope this helps a little. Deb xoxo
  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    Thanks Deb. I have been  handling it all till now. I never even wear hats they dont fit over my big hair lol so i will look very different. Wouldnt it be nice if they invented some chemo treatment that didnt cause hair loss would make it all so much easier to cope with. Hope you are going well. Anne-Marie xxx

  • Robyn W
    Robyn W Member Posts: 1,932 ✭
    edited March 2015
    I agree with Deb,don't worry about what people think.And yes,for the most part,I have found people genuinely concerned.I told no one about my BC except my husband and children,and I kept it this way until after my mastectomy.However,when I knew that I would be having chemo,I took a deep breath and had my head shaved.I have never worn a hat in my life,but do you,know what,I am actually very comfortable wearing little fitted caps and bandanas!Take care,and before you know it,your hair will be growing again.HugsxoxRobyn.
  • LeanneI
    LeanneI Member Posts: 56 ✭
    edited March 2015

    Hi - I too live in a country town and know exactly what you mean about everybody knows everybody - and more importantly everyone knows what's going on and what they don't know they make up!!!!  

    However on the flipside, country people are the most generous in giving and when you are going through any sort of trauma will be the first to lend a hand, cook a meal, pick your kids up and generally just be there - which if you are not used to that can be a challenge.

    I was diagnosed also at 45, had bilateral mastectomy but did not have chemo so could have kept my journey private however I chose to be public for a number of reasons - if I was having a bad day I didn't have to hide it, when I needed help I asked for it, if my kids were being difficult then they were cut a little slack.

    BUT most importantly I felt that if my journey prompted someone else to check their own boobs, have a mammogram, pick up the phone to ask a friend with BC if they were OK, have their husbands more BC aware etc THEN my BC had served a greater purpose.

    I remember distinctly being at a regional netball training with my daughter only a week after I had my initial lumpectomy and sitting alone with another mother (who I didn't know particularly well) watching our girls train. She asked me what I did during the school holidays and I began "Well I was diagnosed with BC but it's all good" - and then proceeded to yack about my history and impending treatment. I looked over at her and she had tears streaming down her cheeks - my first thought was "Oh shit what have I said!" and proceeded to apologise.  She looked at me and said "I had the same thing a couple of years ago but didn't tell anyone - not even my mother" - the look of relief on her face and the conversation that ensued will remain with me always. 

    I have many stories of at the time blokes in the pub looking at my chest and asking how I was - I would look back at them and say "I am and They are fine" while pointing to my boobs - one night one of them told me that his wife was going for a mammogram as a result of him telling her about me.  

    I was at zumba one day and a lady that I didn't even know asked me if I was Raelee's daughter (Mum had BC also) and told me that she had been talking to Mum one day and as a result had a mammogram, was diagnosed early, had treatment and was doing well.

    Is a pretty amazing feeling to know that we have made a difference..

    I know that we all cope differently and as you are, not everyone will be comfortable with people knowing - the most important thing that I found was beginning my story with "I was diagnosed with BC BUT I am doing just fine..." - it always started the conversation on a positive level.

    No matter what happens, hold your head high - the ones that truly matter know the real story ............

    Leanne xx :-)

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    Thanks Deb for taking the time to help me with this. You made me laugh. Your niece sounds similar to my 9 yr old daughter. She was outside yelling out to her Dad that Mum was losing her hair so she was picking me flowers. Ive tried looking for hats a few times with her but she is always mentioning (she is naturally very loud) me losing my hair. I am putting off my shower this morning as i know most of my hair will go and i just dont want to wear a hat. Big test tonight; 3 of my kids playing basketball so to be brave or not. Look after yourself. Your advice is much aporeciated xx

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    Thanks Robyn. what i hate most is without hair gives the impression that i am really sick when in fact i am actually quite well and only having treatment to ensure its all gone. I am a very independant person and dont like people feeling sad cos of the way i look. Will look forward to wearing my hats now as they will now fit on my head lol and everyone will just have to get used to it cos I'm not going to miss out on any of my kids activities. Thanks for taking the time. You are all lovely. Look after yourself xx

  • Stemgirl
    Stemgirl Member Posts: 93 ✭
    edited March 2015

    I also live in a small country town, where everyone knows everyone and everything. It is most likely that everyone knows you have BC already anyway. It will be your positive attitude that people respond to, more so than whether or not you have hair. The people in my small country town are what has got me through this - the meals, the help with kids, the bright cheerful words when I bump into people, the people to whinge to when I'm having a crap day. I think people will take your lead as to how they respond to you. Our community has been touched greatly by breast cancer with a gorgeous mum of 4 dying earlier in the year. Several of us have early stage breast cancer, or have had it in the past. The kids are all friends with each other at school - they all talk anyway. Cherish and embrace your small community. Let them in. People won't necessarily feel sorry for you but they will want to help you. It's what country people in small communities do.  It has taken me a long time to accept unreservedly their help, but it really has made all the difference to our lives over the past 6 months. I'm hosting a thank you open house / party in a few weeks as a small way to acknowledge those people...we could have 80 adults and 60 kids....will be crazy but I desperately want to acknowledge the role they all played in getting our family through chemo....and yet everyone is still bringing something to contribute to the food! 

    If you'd rather not talk about your cancer and treatment every time you go to the shop or do school pick up, people will soon get the message...they'll follow your lead. If I'm having a day like that I give a very brief answer about how I'm going and then quickly change the subject and ask them something about their lives.  Best wishes as you go through the most awful stage of hair loss...once it's all gone you won't feel quite as traumatized as you do while losing it. 

  • jenpen
    jenpen Member Posts: 315 ✭
    edited March 2015

    I am so glad to have read all the amazing replies...as most of you, I live in a small country town....have 2 gorgeous kids in primary school.....and seeing the oncologist on Friday  to organise chemo and treatment after my mastectomy.

    My hair has always been important too me and losing it  and to be seen wearing hat/wig etc will be challenging for me! It seems so shallow when I think about it but I've always worried what people think....maybe this is my life lesson at last at age 50! 

    It's so great that this forum helps us all get past these issues...and you lovely ladies who have been there already, you really are an inspiration to us "newbies"......!

    Yesterday I had an appointment at my hairdressers...she was in tears when I told her my news (I also lost my Mum 4 weeks ago...) It is true that people are shocked when you tell them - just like when we were told! - but it maybe more a case of "If it can happen to her, it can happen to me"...so we are the walking examples of positivity....and get the message out there for screening and that every woman has to get a mammogram and self examination!

    I'm also very private and yes, it seems that once the hair loss is/has happened, everybody will know and being uninformed about how great the treatments are these days, the looks of pity and sadness are going to be hard to take......we just gotta show them all how strong and positive we are I guess.

    Best of luck to you all....x

     

     

  • jenpen
    jenpen Member Posts: 315 ✭
    edited March 2015

    I am so glad to have read all the amazing replies...as most of you, I live in a small country town....have 2 gorgeous kids in primary school.....and seeing the oncologist on Friday  to organise chemo and treatment after my mastectomy.

    My hair has always been important too me and losing it  and to be seen wearing hat/wig etc will be challenging for me! It seems so shallow when I think about it but I've always worried what people think....maybe this is my life lesson at last at age 50! 

    It's so great that this forum helps us all get past these issues...and you lovely ladies who have been there already, you really are an inspiration to us "newbies"......!

    Yesterday I had an appointment at my hairdressers...she was in tears when I told her my news (I also lost my Mum 4 weeks ago...) It is true that people are shocked when you tell them - just like when we were told! - but it maybe more a case of "If it can happen to her, it can happen to me"...so we are the walking examples of positivity....and get the message out there for screening and that every woman has to get a mammogram and self examination!

    I'm also very private and yes, it seems that once the hair loss is/has happened, everybody will know and being uninformed about how great the treatments are these days, the looks of pity and sadness are going to be hard to take......we just gotta show them all how strong and positive we are I guess.

    Best of luck to you all....x

     

     

  • Stemgirl
    Stemgirl Member Posts: 93 ✭
    edited March 2015

    Hi JenPen,

    I am sorry for the recent loss of your mother. This bc stuff is so hard to cope with emotionally at the best of times, let alone during a time of grief for a loved one.

    Yes, I also had an emotional time with my beautiful hairdresser. 

    Best wishes. x

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    Thanks Leanne for takjng the time to help me thru this. Our lives are sk similar and it is great to hear you have had similar experiences to me. I especially liked the talking tk your boobs bit. My boobs are not particularly impressive so they have never received so much attention. Im sure when people are asking how i am to my boobs they r trying to work out which one is gone. I know country people are the best when it comes to helping those in need. Just hard being so damn independant and not wanting to upset anyone. A lady i know who works at the checkout asked me how i was, which i loved as its good to know if someone does actually know, but she ended up fighting back tears and i hate upsetting anyone as i know i will be fine. It is amazing knowing you have made a difference. I didnt realise how common BC is these days and am so glad

     

     

     

    a

    couple of my friends who were terrified of mammograms have now had their first ones done. I went to basketball last night and stayed for one game. I sat in the car and was so proud of myself. I figure if my kids are great with me then thats all that matters. Next week I'll be a bit braver and sit on the bench. Thanks again and look after yourself x

     

     

     

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    Hi Carolyn. My husband and generations of his family r born and bred here too. He also coaches too much sport so we are very  well known by all surrounding towns too. You have a great attitude i hope i get as brave as you. I am rapt i have actually left the house to be honest. I didnt think i would cope so well. I am so glad i decided to write something on here. All of you have really helped me.  I have even driven down the main street on  purpose several times instead of taking another street just so people can see the new me and get used to it. I have a very recognisable 8 seater van so u cant miss me. I sat in car last night at basketball which gave people a chance to see i look different and some came up to talk which was great and some just gave me a big wave which was great too. When i got home i told my 6 and 9 year old girls they could play hairdresser and cut mum's hair for real. They couldnt believe it and their laughter and look of pride at how they had cut my hair will be remembered forever.  they loved telling their friends about it at school today. Thanks again and look after yourself. X

  • Stemgirl
    Stemgirl Member Posts: 93 ✭
    edited March 2015

    What a fabulous idea to let your 6 and 9 year olds play hairdresser! I wish I'd thought of that. How special x

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    I know. I am so glad i thought to do that. My 9 year old had many tears during the day (ilet them have day off school) when i showed her my half bald head and we had lots of cuddles. So to see her joy when cutting my hair( what was left of it) short was priceless. She had lots of giggles with her friends at school telling them what she did. X

  • Ammo4
    Ammo4 Member Posts: 21
    edited March 2015

    I know. I am so glad i thought to do that. My 9 year old had many tears during the day (ilet them have day off school) when i showed her my half bald head and we had lots of cuddles. So to see her joy when cutting my hair( what was left of it) short was priceless. She had lots of giggles with her friends at school telling them what she did. X

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