I don't know what I'm feeling
Rapunzel
Member Posts: 32 ✭
in Day to day
Hi
I know I am extraordinarily lucky. My breast cancer was caught by my bi-annual mamagram thanks to BreastScreenSA. I have never been more tentative and scared while I did the whirlwind of a secondary scan, biopsy, etc. and then had to go back a few day's later for the results. I can still remember that the lady doing the ultrasound suddenly went a little 'still'. I got a cold feeling in my stomach which didn't go away until the doctor sat me down days later and told me I had cancer.
I know that in some ways I have hit the jackpot in that it was caught really early. I know that it was only a Grade 1, 1.5 mm, and I only had to have a lumpectomy, or wide local excision. I am also really, really lucky that I don't have to have chemo, but must have radiotherapy. I've just had the CT scan and will start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks.
But I am still worried, scared, not willing to put up with idiots anymore, a bit teary and weepy at times. Some days I feel like a fraud, that I don't feel sick at all, just very, very tired. My work was a casual job only and have said all the right things but I know they need someone in the office doing the job, they're only a small firm, so realistically there will come a time when they just can't keep going with the lovely fill in lady they have now. My husband has been awesome, so supportive, but now I'm struggling with my libido.
There are so many people on here who have had it so much worse than me but I can't help feeling like I just want to scream like a toddler and be utterly, utterly selfish. "It's not fair!!". It really isn't fair, not for anyone on this site, but right now I feel like it seriously isn't fair for me, in spite of getting off comparatively lightly. Sorry to sound like a sooky whiney person but today, right now, it's a bad day.
I know I am extraordinarily lucky. My breast cancer was caught by my bi-annual mamagram thanks to BreastScreenSA. I have never been more tentative and scared while I did the whirlwind of a secondary scan, biopsy, etc. and then had to go back a few day's later for the results. I can still remember that the lady doing the ultrasound suddenly went a little 'still'. I got a cold feeling in my stomach which didn't go away until the doctor sat me down days later and told me I had cancer.
I know that in some ways I have hit the jackpot in that it was caught really early. I know that it was only a Grade 1, 1.5 mm, and I only had to have a lumpectomy, or wide local excision. I am also really, really lucky that I don't have to have chemo, but must have radiotherapy. I've just had the CT scan and will start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks.
But I am still worried, scared, not willing to put up with idiots anymore, a bit teary and weepy at times. Some days I feel like a fraud, that I don't feel sick at all, just very, very tired. My work was a casual job only and have said all the right things but I know they need someone in the office doing the job, they're only a small firm, so realistically there will come a time when they just can't keep going with the lovely fill in lady they have now. My husband has been awesome, so supportive, but now I'm struggling with my libido.
There are so many people on here who have had it so much worse than me but I can't help feeling like I just want to scream like a toddler and be utterly, utterly selfish. "It's not fair!!". It really isn't fair, not for anyone on this site, but right now I feel like it seriously isn't fair for me, in spite of getting off comparatively lightly. Sorry to sound like a sooky whiney person but today, right now, it's a bad day.
3
Comments
-
Hi @Rapunzel, I'm so sorry you have to be on this breast cancer rollercoaster. It certainly is not fair!! No matter how big or small your cancer is, no matter what treatment you have, you are still going through a big shock. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things and their own way of facing what's ahead. Your feelings are valid. You may be feeling scared, anxious, maybe even angry about what is ahead. Even if you don't feel sick your cancer has affected you mentally and physically as will the process of treatment. You are not alone. These are your emotions and feelings, let them out. BCNA is a safe place for you to let those feelings flow and to receive the support you may need.
My husband keeps telling me how lightly I got off with my own cancer experience. I get very mad at him for saying and thinking so. It was not a walk in the park, there was so much anxiety and worry about what was happening to me or what was about to happen to me and my cancer therapy. Being diagnosed with breast cancer is not fun, surgery is not fun, recovery is not fun. Bad days happen, it's ok. Be kind to yourself, be gentle and do something nice for yourself, let your body rest. I've had similar days to you thinking I'm not really sick but my mind and my body were feeling the effects of the stress of it all. Some days I distract myself by going out and buying yarn, (I'm a crocheter) other days just a walk around the neighbourhood admiring the Autumn leaves and peoples gardens helps. Sometimes staying at home and binge watching something on tv is great for escaping on those bad days. Today I'm home taking things easy and am baking. Things will fall into place for you I'm sure.
So good that you caught it early. Good luck with Radiation, I'm sure it will go smoothly for you. Just remember to keep hydrated and use your sorbolene cream to look after your skin. After radiation I would cut up an Aloe Vera plant and rub the gel on my skin which was soothing and helped to stop my skin burning.
Take care, Lisha xx
0 -
@Rapunzel. Im so sorry you have had to join this emotional rollercoaster of breast cancer. Im a 15yr survivor now been living with mets to the liver for past 5yrs. What you are feeling is completely normal some days you will cope great and its early days but don't beat yourself up about having bad days, cry yell do what ever you have to do but always remember this one thing no matter how bad a day you may be having today, tomorrow is always a new day and I have learnt with numerable bad days that 24hrs can make a huge difference to your outlook. I wish you the very best vent away as much as you need even start writing a blog that helped me a lot over the years.
hugs xx0 -
I can recommend screaming in the car, you can really get stuck into it. Preferably while no-one else is in there. Marg2
-
Breast cancer is breast cancer no matter what treatment we have. Its a threat to our cosy lives, as much as we dont want it to it changes your life.please dont apoligize you are just like all of us a beautiful lady with breast cancer.we all welcome you. Im 5 years post its hard but you come out at the end. Adean2
-
@Rapunzel Cancer is what happens to other people not us. I am wonder woman I am going to live to one hundred . I am invincible. Guess what I am not and neither are you. Its getting the rug pulled out from under us.
I am still shaken by this event. How can you ever go back to normal.
It is like discovering a parallel universe. Perhaps tears are a time to grieve .Anger at how dare this disease invades my body. .Who in the hell asked for it to come......go away and never come back ...cancer you have overstayed your welcome ..please leave.
2 -
4 -
Try to distract yourself with something, movies, crocheting, walks whatever. I do jigsaw puzzles and watch Netflix tv series. In TIME I will get over everything and move forward but I don't know when, I just have to be patient. Loss of energy isn't great either and dwelling on it all creates stress which will drop libido even further. You will get over it, and your partner, you just don't know when. Go with the flow and be patient. Things will all drop into place eventually.
2 -
All your thoughts and feelings sound perfectly understandable to me.
My cancer was supposed to be simple too at first, but the actual fact that I had it knocked me sideways. It takes all your sense of security away, everything changes.
Having a serious disease will do that to you.
Some of the treatments are scarey and alien and you have to put your trust in people you don't know.
So yes, you will get all these feelings and emotions.
I panic about results, CT scans, MRI scans, get angry at just about every part of this process that has completely taken over my life for this whole year.
I don't want to be here, doing this!
I try to find positives and enjoy little pleasures where I can find them, but sometimes that is really hard.
If it gets out of hand and you don't feel you are coping, there is help available, I am using a psychologist at the Cancer Cantre near me and she has been very helpful in getting me through some of the more difficult aspects.
The breast cancer nurses are great too at helping with dealing with the processes, even just to reinforce that what you are going through is normal. I know I don't use mine enough.
I certainly hear your anger and frustration, feel free to let it out.
Jennie1 -
Hello and thank you all for your posts, they've helped a lot!! I'm having a 'better' day today so feel like I can cope with awkward stuff like....overdue electricity bill (oops).
Seriously, the kit I was given was wonderful, lots of information about what I might, or might not, expect. The diary is brilliant and helping me keep everything straight (except that damn bill....) but nothing compares to hearing from other people going through the same sort of thing. Thank you, thank you.
4 -
Rapunzel. Your post could have written by myself it hit the nail how I am feeling. We get final results tomorrow and I am already wondering how I will sleep tonight. It's been a whirl wind if tests and results since my first visit to dr on the 24th of April.
i had a lumpectomy last Monday at royal melb and everyone around me is convinced no news is good news but we knew from the day we weren't getting results before tomorrow! Do they call private patients earlier? Should we have gone private we have insurance just at the time it seemed crazy when the difference was going to be Friday privately or following Monday public.0 -
@DearB just in case your unaware you can opt to see your oncologist privately but still have chemo or treatment thru the public sector. I have always done this as there is continuity of care in my eyes seeing one oncologist and if your time poor saves hours of endless waiting around. May be worth looking into. I have treatment at ONJ cancer and wellness centre and oncologist rooms are a few streets away.
all the best xx1 -
Survivorship is hard. The impact of having cancer and the fear that goes with it is the same for all of us...regardless of what type of cancer and what treatment we have. Stop feeling guilty that you feel this way. It's how you feel. Stomp the foot. Be angry. Let it out. One step at a time. One day, in your own way, you will hopefully feel positive again and feel just a little like the old you. But then you will realise you've just accepted the new you. The one who survived her diagnosis. Kath x4
