Secondaries
I am dealing with secondaries...I'm not going to lie to you it is shit! planning your own funeral...crap! Telling your kids you won't see them grow up! totally, utterly gut wrenching crap!
Dealing with the fact that cancer is going to kill me! utterly, completely CRAP!
People telling me I should just stay positive "wanting to punch them in the face" CRAPPITY CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!
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Hey Belinda,
I'm not gonna lie and tell you I know how you feel, cos I dont.
But I am gonna tell you that I would be feeling the same way and I think your restraint in language is amazing! :-) I know we're online and all but yep, I'd be lettin out those crazy a** words, just put some of these **** in there and we'll get you! If you cant say that stuff here, where can u?
Chicks at our age have got too many other much more important things in life we should be dealing with other than this shite! I've got 3 girls too (21, 18 & 10) and they are my life, so you have every damn right to feel angry and let down by the world.
Positivity is great and all but C'MON PEOPLE...BREAST CANCER SUCKS!!
Its that phrase that everyone says to you when you get diagnosed but I reckon its a crock! Lets see if THEY can be positive while dealing with surgeries, chemo, rads, vomiting, being bald, scars, stitches, hospitals..and that's on a GOOD DAY!!!! Then lets chuck in kids, work, running a household, school excursions, lunches, homework etc etc
WE HEAR YA BELINDA!!! YELL AWAY!!!
Sam xxxxx
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I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, dealing with a primary is hard enough. There are no words to comfort you but if I could I would give you a big hug and swear away with you. And believe me I have a potty mouth when the mood takes me!
Take care of yourself sweetheart this is seriously an Effed up disease.
xx Dan xx0 -
However you feel, go with it. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have not "done" the angry bit YET. You need to let it out, punch walls, yell, swear whatever. I deal with my diagnosis by keeping extremely busy - even if I ache all over. The only person who knows my pain is my hubby - and I keep most of it from him!!! I can't tell you how to feel - only be here to "hear" your ROAR. If I could wave a magic wand and rid us all of BC I would be a very happy soul. It is CRAP and it does CRAP things. Please live in the knowledge that there are people on this site who care about you. XLeonie
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However you feel, go with it. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have not "done" the angry bit YET. You need to let it out, punch walls, yell, swear whatever. I deal with my diagnosis by keeping extremely busy - even if I ache all over. The only person who knows my pain is my hubby - and I keep most of it from him!!! I can't tell you how to feel - only be here to "hear" your ROAR. If I could wave a magic wand and rid us all of BC I would be a very happy soul. It is CRAP and it does CRAP things. Please live in the knowledge that there are people on this site who care about you. XLeonie
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Just wanted to say this whole bl**dy thing is shit, and you have every right to scream it from the roof tops, and I know what you mean about the stay positive line, if I have one more person say how strong I am I think I might throttle them, dont they realize we are crazy on the inside, arrh, would love it if we could wipe it off and flush it down, but seeing as that is not going to happen, I say bottoms up with a whole new meaning ( have a drink) and yell all you like.
Cheers Narelle
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Just wanted to say this whole bl**dy thing is shit, and you have every right to scream it from the roof tops, and I know what you mean about the stay positive line, if I have one more person say how strong I am I think I might throttle them, dont they realize we are crazy on the inside, arrh, would love it if we could wipe it off and flush it down, but seeing as that is not going to happen, I say bottoms up with a whole new meaning ( have a drink) and yell all you like.
Cheers Narelle
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Oh Belinda i was so moved by your post it is gut wrenching.It is the fear we all try to put at the back of our minds and cant.Every pain every sniffle every cough.torturing our minds wondering it the goddamn cancer is back!
I too am sick to death of people saying stay positive treatments over move on! How the frick can I?With one boob lymphedema menopause ovaries removed so no more kids.grey curly hair kids who just want their old mum back.And im only 41.
I so feel for you and cant comprehend what you are going through.It is crap! Youve touched my heart and i wish i could say something to make you feel better.But i know their isnt.
Xx0 -
Oh Belinda i was so moved by your post it is gut wrenching.It is the fear we all try to put at the back of our minds and cant.Every pain every sniffle every cough.torturing our minds wondering it the goddamn cancer is back!
I too am sick to death of people saying stay positive treatments over move on! How the frick can I?With one boob lymphedema menopause ovaries removed so no more kids.grey curly hair kids who just want their old mum back.And im only 41.
I so feel for you and cant comprehend what you are going through.It is crap! Youve touched my heart and i wish i could say something to make you feel better.But i know their isnt.
Xx0 -
Hey BelindaM - Good on you for putting it all out there. I too am really tired of all the pink ribbons and positive tough 'rahrahrah' that goes on. No one it seems really wants to know about it when it goes to secondaries and all those realities you have to deal with. Like all of us you really need the support and it is often not there although family and friends do try. We end up supporting them more often than not. Nothing wrong with a bit of language and thowing a few things around the place. Scream, cry and let it all out - doesn't actually make you feel better but it is a release valve of sorts. Just know that there are a lot of us with secondaries out here - not that many want to talk about the reality of it all. Yes, planning your funeral is shit - telling your kids and partner is shit, but they will surprise you with their strength. Then again about the funeral thing, just think how many people would be shuddering with what happened at the end of day rather than being in control - if you are like me you want to be in control!! Make sure your doctors actually talk with you not at you and emphasis to them that they must actually communicate with you as to what is going on rather than just waffling around the edges. They also need lessons in how to deal with these issues.
Luv, Jaci
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Hi Belinda,
As another ABC woman, I can completely understand your feelings. It is great to be able to use this site to "vent", and vent we must. So much energy can be spent protecting our family and friends, so connection with others in similar situations is really helpful. I find your language very restrained!
I have no solutions though - we don't "battle" cancer, but endure what we must, and try to make the most we are able of every day we have. It's a wild ride.....
Best wishes..... Pam
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Hi Belinda,
As another ABC woman, I can completely understand your feelings. It is great to be able to use this site to "vent", and vent we must. So much energy can be spent protecting our family and friends, so connection with others in similar situations is really helpful. I find your language very restrained!
I have no solutions though - we don't "battle" cancer, but endure what we must, and try to make the most we are able of every day we have. It's a wild ride.....
Best wishes..... Pam
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WOW! Thanks Ladies, I actually didn't realise other people could read that!!! LOL Just a random vent LOL :O)
I am usually really positive and smile through it all...but sometimes it just gets me down! Especially as my Oncologist told me that if we can't find chemo drugs to slow down my tumors I will be gone before Christmas! :O(
I am on permenant chemo now :O(
I am planning birthday parties for my 2 girls (turning 6 & 8 n the next couple of weeks) and also my own birthday in a month.....and it's really upset me as it could be the last birthdays I have with them....the hardest part it that I can't talk to my family about my fears as none of them want to hear it! they just say "don't be silly, you'll be around for years yet" but the fact is I probably won't be! I have secondaries to my chest nodes stomach nodes, arteries in my chest, liver, rght lung and pluera! I am bloody sick!
I have accepted this to a degree but none of my family are there yet....I have planned my funeral (which was actually quite fun) and wriiten my own Eulogy and my Mum is upset with me and won't even read it! The fact is...we will all die one day, I am just a bit more prepared than most is all :O)
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I am heart broken Belinda, it is beyond me how you manage to carry on. I will pray night and day that your Oncologist finds the drug required so you get another Christmas and even better more birthdays. Just know whatever happens you will continue to shine through your babies and I am sure they will be forever proud of their very special mum.
I hope your pain is kept to a minimum and your beautiful family finds the strength required to listen and deal with this incredibly unfair crappity crap situation you are all forced with. So freakin unfair!!!
Lara xx
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dear Belinda,
Last year I lost a girlfriend to an aggressive brain cancer - she was given a best case of 6 months (she actually made it to 3 and a half). Like you, she wanted people to accept that she was going to die, and to be ready for it. I asked her how she was dealing with each day and she told me she was just working through her own bucket list - a son's birthday, riding on a motorbike, going to her daughter's next concert, her granddaughter's first birthday - just ticking off each one as it came and hoping to get to the next one. Living every moment.
You scream and rant whenever you need to, make your plans and try to help your family see how important it is to YOU that they acknowledge what's happening. If it happens later rather than sooner, that'll be a bonus !! But let them know that if they really want to do anything for you, THIS is what they can do.
Take special care of yourself my dear. Spoil yourself as often as you can. And spoil your precious girls too with a lifetime of memories.
lots of love
Keitha
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dear Belinda,
Last year I lost a girlfriend to an aggressive brain cancer - she was given a best case of 6 months (she actually made it to 3 and a half). Like you, she wanted people to accept that she was going to die, and to be ready for it. I asked her how she was dealing with each day and she told me she was just working through her own bucket list - a son's birthday, riding on a motorbike, going to her daughter's next concert, her granddaughter's first birthday - just ticking off each one as it came and hoping to get to the next one. Living every moment.
You scream and rant whenever you need to, make your plans and try to help your family see how important it is to YOU that they acknowledge what's happening. If it happens later rather than sooner, that'll be a bonus !! But let them know that if they really want to do anything for you, THIS is what they can do.
Take special care of yourself my dear. Spoil yourself as often as you can. And spoil your precious girls too with a lifetime of memories.
lots of love
Keitha
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