Paranoid....
Hello all you lovely pink ladies, I hope you are feeling as well as can be expected atm :-)
It is nearly 5 weeks since my diep-flap surgery and all things are running to plan there, the plastics team are very happy with it & I am on the list for nipple reconstruction & 3 months after that the tattooing is to be done. Ladies I'm finding myself in an odd thought pattern atm......I am so scared & worring my self sick that the cancer is going to return now that i'm only having the basic 3 monthly check ups..even though I know my breasts have been removed I'm finding lumps which is just probably the fat thats been pumped into make my new boobs as it hasn't settled completely yet....I just have this constant low feeling & thoughts of it returning that I cant seem to move past it which is unlike me indeed!
I saw my oncologist last Thursday 12-1 and I guess even though at the moment I'm cancer free I wont be cured until I've past the 5 year mark which really unnerved me...It wasn't what I wanted to hear at all...she did however say that I have minimized the tnbc coming back by 99% I just think well if it can't go to the breast it will find some where else to go....I know I'm being rediculous as there are so many ladies on here in a much worse prediciment than myself! I'm sorry for the whinge but I had to tell somebody who understands! Thanks for listening.
Brightest Blessings, Susan.
Comments
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Susan, it's been about 20 months since my diagnosis and although I have a relatively low risk of recurrence (15% chance of secondaries within 10 years I'm told by the oncologist and surgeon), there isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about the cancer coming back and shortening my life. I think it's natural. I think it was Sarah Watt that said that we are all doing what nature intends - which is to fear death and fight to survive. She said it better than me.
I hope to be in a better frame of mind five years from now when I've crossed off a few more milestones in my recovery and feel more confident that I've beaten the sucker. Susan, this might sound like a platitude, but you've been through a lot. Give yourself time and don't try to hurry the healing process. I found it will take it's own jolly good time.
By the way, I've just finished a nipple reconstruction and will go for a tattoo once the redness has subsided. Also have to have some laser hair removal or similar because, joy of joys, I'm growing peach fuzz on my nipple (due to where the flap was taken from).
take care,
Helen.
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Three years on and I'm still working on my level of anxiety. I understand your thoughts and as I'm beginning to find out, anxiety can also be part of menopause or medication, like tamoxifen. I spent 6 months in France last year, recovering and taking care of myself. My anxiety lessened due to no stress but hasn't disappeared as I thought it would. At night I listen to my meditation tracks which help me get to sleep. Exercise has been great too. I also saw a counsellor which helped me see things differently. It certainly takes time, a lot of time to come to grips with what we're going through. Glad your reconstruction went well, another milestone achieved - these milestones are all important not only for our physical but mental and emotional well being. I'm writing about my experience - it's been good for my recovery www.happyhat.com.au I highly recommend journaling.
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Three years on and I'm still working on my level of anxiety. I understand your thoughts and as I'm beginning to find out, anxiety can also be part of menopause or medication, like tamoxifen. I spent 6 months in France last year, recovering and taking care of myself. My anxiety lessened due to no stress but hasn't disappeared as I thought it would. At night I listen to my meditation tracks which help me get to sleep. Exercise has been great too. I also saw a counsellor which helped me see things differently. It certainly takes time, a lot of time to come to grips with what we're going through. Glad your reconstruction went well, another milestone achieved - these milestones are all important not only for our physical but mental and emotional well being. I'm writing about my experience - it's been good for my recovery www.happyhat.com.au I highly recommend journaling.
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Hi Susan,
I feel the same way. I also have TNBC so have to wait for the magic 5 year mark to though after the first 2 years the risk secondaries decreases. I try to keep myself occupied and try to over analise if I don't feel well. i have tests this week and another check so I am very aprehensive.
I think as time goes on we will get better and become more relaxed.
Take Care xox
renata
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Hi Susan, i thought I was the only one who feared my cancer would return. It isn't something that I can talk to my husband about, or my kids, as they all think that because of the chemo and the double mastectomy, I'm cured. They would not understand and just think I'm being pessimistic and I should just get on with my life. Judging from the responses to your blog, we are not alone. I kept thinking that once my reconstruction is over, ( last Wednesday), that I will be able to charge into 2012 with gusto. It hasn't happened, and I'm cross with myself, but happy to know others feel the same. I said I wont go to my support group this year, but hey it started last week, and guess who went? I also said I'd try and limit my time on this site, but I seem to be addicted to it instead, spending hours reading all the
blogs. I would like someone to say, "you are fully cured
and you can stop worrying". I guess that won't happen,
but Susan, I know how you feel, and from these blogs, it
seems everyone understands and knows as well. It has
been 14 months since my diagnosis, and I really admire
those who have been able to let go and start to live
their lives again without fear. I'm so glad your
reconstructcion has gone well, and you are happy. I too
am very happy with my results from my implants.
Thinking of you, and understanding your battle. Love
Chris xx0 -
I suppose we can take comfort in the fact that we all feel the same way and are not alone.After my first bout of bc in 2003 it took me about 2 years to feel confident about my health again.Certainly after 5 years I was downright smug that I'd finished with cancer.When it came back 7 years later,the rug was pulled from under me.And even though it was still classed as early bc I've now become paranoid too.I feel like a ticking time bomb.I don't like making any travel plans too far in advance which really annoys my husband.I get abit anxious the day before my 3monthly checkup.I think we are all normal and just doing the best we can to push this fear to the back of our minds and live our lives.It will keep surfacing but in time,not so often. I try and tell myself that there are much worse things in life that can happen to you.My poor brother in law has just had surgery for aggressive brain cancer.His prognosis is not good.In the "cancer world"we are the lucky ones if it's early bc.We just have to find a way to live with this worry and try not to dwell on it daily.
Tonya xx
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I suppose we can take comfort in the fact that we all feel the same way and are not alone.After my first bout of bc in 2003 it took me about 2 years to feel confident about my health again.Certainly after 5 years I was downright smug that I'd finished with cancer.When it came back 7 years later,the rug was pulled from under me.And even though it was still classed as early bc I've now become paranoid too.I feel like a ticking time bomb.I don't like making any travel plans too far in advance which really annoys my husband.I get abit anxious the day before my 3monthly checkup.I think we are all normal and just doing the best we can to push this fear to the back of our minds and live our lives.It will keep surfacing but in time,not so often. I try and tell myself that there are much worse things in life that can happen to you.My poor brother in law has just had surgery for aggressive brain cancer.His prognosis is not good.In the "cancer world"we are the lucky ones if it's early bc.We just have to find a way to live with this worry and try not to dwell on it daily.
Tonya xx
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You are not whinging at all! These thoughts are completely normal but scary at the same time. I'm beginning to get them as well and I haven't even finished treatment yet! We are all vunerable after a BC diagnosis no matter what it is. Always remember you are not alone. We all feel like this some time during our journeys. You are dealing with a huge amount at the moment.
Please keep blogging away. We are always here!
Take care and make sure you look after yourself. Thinking of you!
Love Alison xxx
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Hi Susan
Glad to hear you are feeling well after your surgery. I also have some lumpy spots, my surgeon said it will be 6 months until they fully soften and to massage these areas.
I suffer quite a bit from anxiety since my diagnosis and cannot deal with stress at all. It will be interesting when I go back to teaching in April????? And as for that sick feeling I get in my gut now and then, it is soooo hard to push past it. What if it returns? I don't imagine there would be many women here who have never had that thought.
It's easy to say stay strong, look at the positives in life but sometimes we just need to vent and that's ok too.
Ann-Marie xoxo0 -
Hi Susan
Glad to hear you are feeling well after your surgery. I also have some lumpy spots, my surgeon said it will be 6 months until they fully soften and to massage these areas.
I suffer quite a bit from anxiety since my diagnosis and cannot deal with stress at all. It will be interesting when I go back to teaching in April????? And as for that sick feeling I get in my gut now and then, it is soooo hard to push past it. What if it returns? I don't imagine there would be many women here who have never had that thought.
It's easy to say stay strong, look at the positives in life but sometimes we just need to vent and that's ok too.
Ann-Marie xoxo0
