Dont follow me Im lost too

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  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 343
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    @FLClover

    And I think you get that its not about wanting attention or drama it is purely that I was in trouble and people were either too busy or didnt want to be uncomfortable. It wasnt about me at all. It was too hard for them. 
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,554
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    It’s not always a work thing Michele. A lot of the time it’s things outside work. We realise we have been living like robots, as you said with lots of constraints. Lots of obligations. These things have been getting to me too. I feel like they always did, but it’s especially obvious now as I too have a lot less tolerance for things I consider time wasting. And my heart also craves doing things I find joyful, which aren’t always in line with what society and its demands expect of me. But I haven’t exactly always agreed with society. Now even less. There are things I feel are just really nonsensical, and so I refuse to live by them. They agitate me a lot. And this is what I meant when I said I’m not scared to do what I want anymore. I don’t care if others judge me, or feel it’s wrong, or this or that. As long as it doesn’t harm anyone, I will do what I feel is the right way for me. If it means some friends and family won’t be happy about it and will avoid me, so be it. That’s on them. I’m no longer responsible for other people’s happiness, and making myself miserable to satisfy them. I’d much rather be alone and happy, than with lots of people and very unhappy. I find that we’re mostly depressed or unhappy when we don’t listen to ourselves. We all know what we really want, we’re just too afraid to go after it. We’re scared of being shamed and judged. But if the only opinion you care about is yours, and you have a clear conscience when you look in the mirror, then nothing else should matter. 
    Also, please remember, people’s intentions are not always genuine. A lot of people are miserable, and get upset when others have the courage to live like they want and be happy, so they’ll try and drag you down with them. They’ll shame you into giving up what you want, so you’re miserable together, because if you’re brave to get what you want it just makes them feel even more shit that they’re not living according to their happiness. It’s hard to accept this but unfortunately it’s true. 
    You’re not wrong to feel really disappointed that friends didn’t react to your expectations when you had a life threatening illness. You’re not wrong to have expectations either. The truth is, people are just scared little kids inside. They have no idea how to deal with these situations. They should try and learn if they don’t, and ask you for what kind of help you’d like, but they were never taught that. No one showed them how to truly help another person, and they didn’t figure it out on their own either. I don’t think you should necessarily lower your expectations, but find the ones who will reciprocate your level of care, and stick with them. It could be someone you haven’t even met yet, that’s why I said sometimes you need to let go of the old. I’ve met better friends since this whole shitfest started. It kickstarted me into finally releasing ties with people who didn’t fit my world anymore. Not fighting with anyone, just energetic ties. And don’t expect to go back to what once was. Why would you want to? Cancer happened for a reason. You now know what you know, so you can act on it and change what wasn’t working. What could be, I think, is a lot lot better than what once was. Life is chaotic, but there’s always a way to get joy out of it. Just don’t rely on others for it. You’ve seen, people can be so disappointing. And it’s not their fault, they’re just dealing with life with what knowledge they have. Take people on the ride who are ready for it. Choose as you need to. It’s your ride, you make up the rules. Whoever isn’t happy with that can bugger off. 
    Don’t rush to move forward. You will, but think about what is making you feel constrained, and that’s what you need to work on. Whatever makes you feel unhappy tells you a lot about changes that need making. The answers are all there, you just need to be brave enough to see them. 
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,554
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    Oh yes, I do definitely get that this isn’t about you wanting attention. Believe me, I get it. It is about people who are ‘too busy’ or as you said, uncomfortable. Who don’t get that friendship isn’t always roses and rainbows. 
    ♥️
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,374
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    It's possible that I am overly cynical, but I think we may have been sold a crock of shit when it comes to what we can\should expect from others.
    The older I get the more I realise that the advertising world's version of what is normal, is anything but. It's all an illusion. That shiny happy world only exists in someone else's imagination.

    Previous conversations with 'That Poor Woman's (my absent shrink) about expectations were helpful. Just don't have any. It's easier. If folk step up and help, that's nice.if they don't, nothing changes for you.  As noted by others, it's not the people you think you can rely on who actually assist.

    Oddly, realising how fallible pretty much the whole population is can let some stress of my brain. People are people, we can't expect anything from them. I'd rather trust my dog who is one of the most clueless creatures on the planet.

    Anyway. On we plod.

  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 343
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    So.. I just have some sunshine friends. People who I havent seen for 2 years but have known for 30 who have suddenly wanted to catch up for my 50th. 

    Im choosing just to celebrate with close family. Actually, i feel that I just want to provide a social occassion for our parents. The fact that its my bday is just a convenience. 

    Logically, yes its disappointing the way some people behave but Im just mentally shifting them to that group of sunshine friends. 

    I dont need to hold onto it. 

    Life has ups and down and pressing on. 
  • BlackWidow
    BlackWidow Member Posts: 268
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    @MicheleR you are not alone in how you feel at the minute.  The whole BC thing is so much more than chop and replace or whatever, it really affects us emotionally.  We go on with our 'normal' life and do all we have for others but with a dead feeling, "is the world coming to and end" sort of feeling.  It is sometimes hard to get going again when some of those we thought were friends have deserted us.  I think they do not know what to do or say, but with the underlying feeling that they are scared yet grateful it is you and not them.  I am alone in the world as my husband passed away before my diagnosis, I have no family and my long-term friends are far away.  I have met a new friend in my town who has also had BC but I don't like to impose too much as she has so much on her plate.  She tries to get me out of my funk but sometimes I resist as I think I just don't want to be happy !  It is a mindset really.  I have made an appointment with a counsellor and hope that will help me to become more like I was before this BC beast.  There are lots of ladies on this site who care and will be there to support you.  Maybe if you put your suburb next the SA you will meet some ladies to catch up with in person - nothing like a good old laugh.  I am thinking of you as you work through this funk.  Anne
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,554
    edited March 2022
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    I don’t think it’s wrong to have expectations, especially since people like us respect our friendships and like to give our all. The reality, though, is that people are lost, confused, scared and/or selfish. This is what I’ve discovered. Except that as I said, I discovered it prior diagnosis so didn’t tell most people during treatment. I still haven’t told people I haven’t seen. I learnt to rely totally on myself during the hardest time of my life. But let me tell you, it was so worth it!! With no expectations come no disappointments, as @Zoffiel said. If someone is nice to you, that’s a massive bonus, but there’s no disappointment if they aren’t. And there’s no pressure for you to also be running to their aid all the time, which is massive relief too. No more burning the candle on both ends. 
    It takes time to come to terms with this. Grieve the friendships you thought you had. It’s not easy. 
    I turned 40 a few months post diagnosis. I was initially terrified of 40 as it seemed so old. Then after diagnosis I wondered if I’d even see it. So when it came around, I was beyond elated. I celebrated by treating myself the whole day. I didn’t invite anyone, only my one best friend and my family of course. I didn’t really need anyone else as that day was about me. I dressed up nicely, even though I had radiation in the morning. I bought a cake for them actually, which they thought was weird but they enjoyed it 😄. Then I went and bought balloons for myself and a ‘birthday girl’ badge, other decorations and a beautiful birthday cake. I went home, decorated, and took lots of pictures. It was MY day, and I was celebrating ME. I didn’t really give a toss that none of my other ‘friends’ weren’t there. It was a wonderful day and I decided I would always celebrate my birthdays like that from then on. I’m my biggest cheerleader, everyone else, as I said, is a massive bonus. I can’t tell you how free it feels. This is coming from someone who always put friends first, for years and years. Very loyal, only to be used as a doormat. Silver lining, I had enough and respect myself now. 

    I don’t know when your birthday is, we might see on here, but I truly hope you have a fantastic day and celebrate YOU ♥️.

    M xx
  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 343
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    @BlackWidow,

    Sorry for your loss and your own health. Its a lot to deal with isnt it?  What do you like doing? I try to find things that I like doing and find pleasure in that. Keeping my hands busy helps. Im doing an aquaerobics class outside my normal exercise regime and when the aqua finishes I might go to a crochet group once a week for a cup of tea with others. 
  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 343
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    @FLClover,

    I just told my husband that i dont feel like doing parties and things. He said if i dont want to dont. Im grateful to be 50 but right this second i dont feel like the fuss. Maybe by the time it comes around ill think differently. 
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,554
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    Whatever you’re comfortable with darl, it’s about you. You need to do what you feel happy doing 👌🏻. 
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,554
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    @BlackWidow I think a lot of people don’t really want to be happy. Not because they don’t really want to, but because they’re terrified. If you’re happy and the reason is taken away, you fall from higher and therefore much harder. I was one of those people. It is a mindset, and very difficult to shift. 
    I hope you get to see your counsellor soon and it helps 🤞. 
  • Julez1958
    Julez1958 Member Posts: 1,156
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    Hi there
    this is off on a tangent but…
    To those above who have turned/ will be turning 40 and 50 , I escaped out of the country for those milestone birthdays as well as my 60th ( am now 63).
    Enjoy those “younger “ years as much as you can ! ( although you know they say “ 60 is the new 50”, “70 is the new 60” etc.)
    I used to think when people said to me “ you look well” after my diagnosis they meant “ oh you are not dead yet” 
    , but now I just say “ thanks, I feel well” and if I am feeling very naughty I say “ I have a great plastic surgeon”
    ( who did my breast reconstruction!)
  • Keeping_positive1
    Keeping_positive1 Member Posts: 555
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    I had further health issues after my active treatment, and was starting to get back on track then covid came along.  I also lost friends throughout treatment and then wanted to reconnect with me after my active treatment, it was too late.
    I had to let go of those that wouldn't get with the program!  Truth though they had let me go first, it felt as if I was dead to them, and that can be a difficult thing to get over and ever re-establish that friendship again.  

    So where to now?  Now I am trying to just take a day at a time, and I still have my dreams for the future.  Family is important to me and I try as best I can to leave the past people in the past.  I still find it difficult at times to reconcile in my mind how some I thought were firm friends just sort of vanished!  It does hurt, that is for sure @MicheleR so do what is best for you.
    Take care. xx