Living in fear

Sydney

I was diagnosed earlier this year, i had surgery and just finished chemo now on radiation. Doctors said after treatment the chance of reccurrence is low but since day one im living in fear of the cancer coming back and i dont know how to cope sometimes i just sit and cry when no one is at home.

Afraser

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Everyone who has been diagnosed experiences this fear, to a greater or lesser extent. It’s pretty natural. The first diagnosis is invariably a shock, irrespective of whether you are at a particularly high risk or not, and bangs home the message that you are not the one who is never going to get cancer! So if once, why not twice? You have been through the recommended treatment, unpleasant as it is and you did that to have a life. Living in fear is a half life at best. It does get easier to let the fear go as you end treatment and time passes, but you can help it along by addressing what you fear most with a professional counsellor. Many people have found talking to a stranger invaluable - even for a short time. The mind gets bashed around as much as the body in this game, and some sorting out can help get your balance back. My day oncology staff made a terrific recommendation for a counsellor experienced with cancer patients. Best wishes. 

Annie C

Dear @Sydney

Me too. When no one is around I have a little snivel and whinge to myself, (actually a big snivel and whinge) then I try to go and do something. Usually in the sewing and gardening range.

For a long time I tried to fight the fear,  now I have come to the realisation that I have been hit by a very long road train, one that I did not see coming.

It is normal, as others on this wonderful support forum will reassure you. 

It has now been 2 years post treatment, and yes the fear is still there daily, I still snivel and whinge to myself, but I am now able to distract myself.

Be gentle on yourself, it is still very very early days. If you find that your down times and fear is becoming overwhelming then a visit to your GP to investigate an allied health plan may be in order. I found that anti anxiety medication and counselling via the allied health plan was very helpful.

Warm Kimberley wishes to you.

Annie

Sydney

Thank you @Annie C and @Afraser for your encouraging words. I have been going to this website since I started treatment and I am very grateful that I finally signed up and connect to other people who’s experiencing the same thing i was. It’s difficult talking to my friends as they have no idea what I have been going thru but they are  all supportive. Im also considering counseling maybe it would me. I have aunties who had breast cancer they’re overseas, talking to them didn’t help as they’ve forgotten their diagnosis it was more than 15 years ago but both had mastectomy and no further treatment and they’re very much ok.

Afraser

Friends are great for many things but a counsellor is different. Keep your aunts in your mind! You can finally forget over time! Best wishes. 

arpie

Hi @Sydney - as the girls have so eloquently said - it is totally normal and I'd hazard a guess that everyone on the forum has been worried about recurrence at one stage or another.  I just  try to keep really busy as much as I can .... then it doesn't 'surface' that often.

That's good that your aunties are still around (even if they've forgotten the details) after their own BC treatment .... 

As @Annie C suggested - the counselling could be a great help in giving you 'coping strategies' .... 

All the best to you xx

Sister

Sometimes a counsellor is good at helping you sort out strategies to assist - other times they're good for just having to sit there while you offload all of the crap that's running around in your head.  Either way, it can work.

Kash

Try and set yourself a little holiday or something you like doing. Its a great distraction.
Like everyone has already mentioned "we all freak out" about recurrence. As time goes on it does become less stressful. Even hopping on the bloody brilliant BCNA Online chats is a wondeful way to let it all out.

Eastmum

Hi @Sydney - first of all, wishing you all the best and go you! You've come so far already. Through surgery and chemo - before you know it, you'll see the light at the end of the radiation tunnel. 
As the others have said, recurrence is always something that's at the back of our minds. I find that thinking of the future in 'chunks' can really help. Because I work in a school, my life revolves around school terms so I think one term ahead and then when I look back it's like 'wow'! It's already been 18 months since my diagnosis - where did that time go?
Don't be surprised that you might feel a bit more 'lost' when active treatment finishes. That's when you're in a sort of limbo. As time goes on though, it's a little easier to adjust to the new normal and enjoy each day as it comes.
Lots of hugs xxxx

Sydney

Hi @Eastmum i hope all is well with you. Thank you for your encouraging words. I don’t know how long it would take me to embrace the new normal I know the key is acceptance. Maybe still shocked, angry I know a lot of people who drink, smoke, not too good lifestyle, bad eating habits but they’re all OK. Cancer sucks. I’m looking forward for radiation to finish. All the best with you😊
xx

kezmusc

Hi @Sydney

Welcome lovely.  As the ladies have already said this is absolutely and perfectly normal as is the "limbo land" after active treatment ends. That first year after I found the most difficult and is a windy road back.  It does get easier to shove it to the far reaches of your mind the further you get down the track.  It's never going to go completely but you can put it away it for longer.  The crying gets less and you start to take a lot more notice of the good moments and appreciate them.  In fact, I make a conscious effort to seek those moments out daily. Things you never even noticed before because you were too busy take on a different meaning.  Make the time to stop and look around at the sky, watch the birds, feel the breeze on your face, look at the sunset for just a moment.  Those moments start to add up. I wish I had have done that sooner.
It's a long road lovely but you'll get there.  Promise.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

iserbrown

@Sydney

There's a fact sheet which may be of some help to you.  As the others have said it is natural to feel this way as it is such a huge event in our lives and we have such a heightened awareness of self

Hope you are travelling well

https://www.bcna.org.au/media/4167/bcna-fact-sheet-fear-of-cancer-recurrence-jan-2017.pdf