Recovery Emotions

kmakm

After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.

I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"

I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.

Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.

This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!

Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.

Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.

I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...

Harvey1903

Hi @kmakm - sorry your feeling low.   Emotions are funny things, sometimes good sometimes not so good.  Just wondering if you are maybe doing too much?  You are a strong independent woman, and for the last five years you have had a truck load dumped.  Your body/mind is probably saying whoa - now is the time to maybe sit and reflect.  So when things don't go as usual you can go into overload, and I'm sure for me its the tears that are the relief valve.   

You will get past this, but as you already know you have to be kind to yourself.  Even if it means reinventing yourself.   I really miss golf, I feel good at the moment and would normally be out there playing today in the sun, but I will be inside reading, slow walking the dog, I have even pulled out the sewing machine (first time in 20 odd years) - I needed some scarves.  I'm 59 so have been through menopause, and that tests you on many different levels. 

"Give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.  Living one day at a time"

Hugs Julie

arpie

Gosh, @kmakm  - what a shocking start to your day & then the unfortunate follow-on at the class     I hope you didn't overdo it in the class afterwards!

Big Hugs coming your way!    BTW - I reckon a formal complaint IS in order for the parking guy - he would have seen you at the ticket machine (and some of them are a LONG way from the bloody cars!) so no need for him to be taking photos etc!

As Julie says - our emotions are never far away ..... and who knows what the trigger will be to set them off at any given time?  Tho your run-in with the car cop would be high on the list, I reckon!   He was making you even later
 for your class & everything went down hill from there.  

You've been thru so much in the last 5 years & you just didn't deserve that shit yesterday.    

You still ARE a strong woman & that will remain - just a tad fragile just now.   You had a big day the day before, catering to your buddies - I really admire you for that!!  You are AMAZING!  I haven't entertained ALL YEAR - the thought of it sends shivers down my back!!   And you WILL get 'yourself' back again .... it may just take a little time.  xx

I had that little episode that TOTALLY threw me last week .... and you helped me get thru it - can you vent to a shrink?  Or just to us ..... either way, we've got your back covered!

Take care, treat yourself to something REALLY special and I hope you get a locker next session - and don't run into the arsehole parking cop again!  (He is only a council employee ..... nothing to do with 'real' cops .....)

iserbrown

Kate - it would appear that you have tried to get back into a normal life at full pelt that you are perhaps not quite ready for.  You have gone through heaps physically and emotionally over the last few months.

Recently I put up a post called "What are you doing for your mental health?"
I think that is something you need to give due consideration to. 
 
Good on you for starting out with Ex-med but don't let a parking officer crush you emotionally!  Allow extra time to get there so you are not rushed.  

Would it be easier to use public transport?  I did and that formed part of my incidental exercise as it involved a fair bit of walking both ends but it helped get me in the right frame of mind as I entered the program each time and reminded me of how many strange goings on I have been sheltered from.  One day on the train I watched a guy go through the whole process of applying make-up, he was good at it too, and when he was finished he opened up his phone and started watching a movie or something similar which made him laugh and laugh and laugh; it was wonderful to watch someone so comfortable with themselves.  Another day I had two people come and sit next to me and start reminiscing about the good old days when they used to knock off Melways and head to the airport and sell them to some of the drivers in the taxi queue.  Reminded me that my lifestyle is somewhat sheltered but also heightened my awareness of self and what was around me.  And I conquered the mountains of steps at the railway as my fitness was at a low base so it all helped.

Kate gather your thoughts and write yourself a list of what needs doing and another list of what you would like to do and then see what you can delegate and what you can create for yourself.

In our Ex-med group, two dropped out, one had a minor car accident and lost her nerve and the other just couldn't cope as she was squeezing too much into her everyday.  Both have been invited to re-apply when they are ready

Take care and as you know there are others on here who feel for you

Mira

It must be the way the planets are aligned or something, I had a total meltdown when someone was rude to me last week, I'm still feeling fragile from it.  Be kind to yourself, maybe take some time out and do something really nice for yourself.     

kezmusc

Hi @kmakm,

Aaaawww lovely.  Those days stink.

Possible mix of emotions and hormones gone whacky? 

 Round 1 and 2 of HT I was swinging between getting frustrated and cranky for no reason other than the veges were taking long to cook, or bursting into tears if someone looked at me the wrong way.
. 
 The emotions do seem to sit right at the surface and are easily triggered either way. The slightest thing can tip it over.

I could hear a song I loved driving in the car and burst into tears. Watch a story on the news, tears.   It just comes, there's no way to stop it.  

Sometimes I would get really anxious prior to the tears, sometimes it would be preceded by a hot flush, sometimes both.  
A series of small events like you have described would start the anxiety then bam, crying mess or feral cat.  

A lot of the time it would disappear as fast as it came, other times it would just wreck the whole day. It's getting better but the hair trigger is still there at times.

Don't be too hard on yourself, there is still a chemo hangover,  a slam dunk into menopause and some pretty wicked drugs floating around in your system manipulating things. It kind of takes you by surprise when you behave totally opposite to the way you used to be.  

Biggest hugs lovely lady.

xoxoxoxo

onemargie

@kmakm Bloody hell Kate. That sucks! What did i tell you woman! I’m only a call away!,  I’ll call you In the morning xx

Artferret

Be kind to yourself Kate. I felt all over the place when i started Ex-Med cos it was just another new thing to cope with and also another reminder of all i had been through. I really wanted to do the program but at the same time i wanted it over so i could properly move on with my life. And i have. Though it took a good year time wise. Don't drop out, it's really worth it but you may not feel like it is until about a month into it. If you can, get there 15 minutes beforehand so you can have a leisurely warm up. By the end hopefully you'll feel stronger mentally as well as physically. Even after a year I still get emotional but it is no longer as intense and i pull out of it quicker. I think my body has settled, after nearly a year, drug wise, at least at the moment, as my hands have largely come 'good' (i use that word very loosely!) and my hip is not as dodgy. I just punished my body in the garden today and it's coped pretty well with a timely ice pack here and there. I'll see how I feel tomorrow when I'm back at the gym. Sending you lots of hugs Kate.
Love Cathxx

kmakm

@Harvey1903 Thanks Julie. It's not so much feeling low, though this week seems to have a mood dip so far, it's more the brittle nature of my emotions.

So many people have told me it's no surprise I got cancer considering the stress and strain of my life. I don't know about that but I do know that I need to slow down to maintain good health and equilibrium. The problem is how?! I have a big household to run, filled with people with complex needs.

I'm already impatient to 'get better' from BC, to regain my strength, but of course I won't, being older and menopausal, with cholesterol raising and bone degenerating medication. And no boobs. So it's all very frustrating.

I'm trying to adjust, to be kind to myself, and sometimes I think I'm doing OK at it. But the emotional fragility shits me!

My breast surgeon said this woukd change me, when I was sobbing my heart out after my re-excision. I was so afraid he was right, and he was.

Look it's better than the alternative for sure, but I sure as shit don't like it. K xox

Harvey1903

Initial reaction - just stop.

I know you have a household to keep things together but in reality they are old enough to look after themselves.   Just do a big shop with stuff in fridge.

It's only me and hubby and to his horror I got someone to clean the shower -bad luck you did a bad job.  

So just look after you please.   Life goes on. !!  J

Sister

Life's just blood hard sometimes, isn't it?

I had to apologise to my poor gentle dentist today.  Got onto the chair to have my broken filling looked at, could barely breathe with the anxiety.  Jumped every time he did anything.  However, I have now discovered that dental chairs have arms/handles that can be brought up and held onto for dear life.

Blossom1961

Kate I so hear you. I hate the emotional roller coaster. It is so not me. I am periodically having a three day 'be kind to liver diet' and have found it is getting my emotions a bit more manageable. I also started at the mindfulness sessions at the cancer centre. I am still on chemo but found I had to do something. I hope you find something that works for you. Xxx Melody

kmakm

Thanks @arpie. I'll check back in with the psych after the school holidays.

Blossom1961

@Sister no such thing as either a poor or a gentle dentist

arpie

Oh dear, @Sister - I really feel for you with the dentist.  My father, uncle, godfather and brother were all dentists ..... and I STILL hate going to them!  I am hanging onto those seat handles SO TIGHTLY - and toes pointing to the wall ..... trying to look calm & self assured ..... 

My last 'fix' took 4 visits due  a dodgy dentist trying to convince me I needed a root canal & payment plan - anyone else may have 'fallen for his bullshit' but I knew enough to know I had no such problem!   Then a visit to his boss to explain why I would never see HIM again & he did a bandaid solution ... then the tooth shattered & so did their machine & so finally it was 'done' on the fourth visit!   No discount tho!    

Sister

Probably not poor @Blossom1961 but he is so gentle - I often choose him for the kids to see.  I usually go to women dentists as I find they're not as rough but he is an exception.  You'd have thought he was murdering me today, though.