Forum Discussion
Drained- Depressed & Struggling
Well it has been three months since I have been online so here goes. Twelve weekly sessions of chemo (Paclitaxel) plus Trastuzumab (hercepton) every three weeks just completed! Last tuesday was my last chemo (Paclitaxel) YAY!
I was to start 4 weeks of radiation on 17th Sept. But was notified yesterday it will now start on 2nd October and I will only have 16 days again YAY! It has been the most draining weekly sessions I could ever have imagined, sorry for the complaining but I am exhausted. My body is not mine it looks like some 90 year olds. No hair has taken away my identy, my poor old body is sagging, covered in chemo rash damage, lack of colour, I am so tired all the time, can't concentrate and not much interested in anything that goes on around me!
What the hell happened to me in the last three months go? I've been in a timewarp!
Where did the fun loveing grandma go, the lady who loved meeting her friends at craft every Thursday & who loved her indoor bowls every Monday with her group. Where did she go?
I really didn't have any expectations when I went in to this I just decided to do the very best I could at it & give it my best shot at beating this dam big C. Wow today I feel like laying down & sleeping & just letting mother nature take over.
Yep I am depressed I realise I need to seek some help I don't know this person any more who is she?
I have about three weeks of only Trastuzumab every three weeks so a break might just give me back some energy to get through the rest of these few months. Hopefully I will be able to visit my craft & indoor bowls groups to say hi to them all again as I have only been able to visit them twice each over the past three months & that was a struggle.
As long as I make the effort & keep moving forward I am sure I will get through this but have just hit a brick wall at moment & need to retreat, regroup & reenergise, get positive & move on for the next round.
Sorry for the long rant I needed to vent so thought of all you sisters out there. Until next time love & good health to you all may your journey be smooth. Regards Dawn
I was to start 4 weeks of radiation on 17th Sept. But was notified yesterday it will now start on 2nd October and I will only have 16 days again YAY! It has been the most draining weekly sessions I could ever have imagined, sorry for the complaining but I am exhausted. My body is not mine it looks like some 90 year olds. No hair has taken away my identy, my poor old body is sagging, covered in chemo rash damage, lack of colour, I am so tired all the time, can't concentrate and not much interested in anything that goes on around me!
What the hell happened to me in the last three months go? I've been in a timewarp!
Where did the fun loveing grandma go, the lady who loved meeting her friends at craft every Thursday & who loved her indoor bowls every Monday with her group. Where did she go?
I really didn't have any expectations when I went in to this I just decided to do the very best I could at it & give it my best shot at beating this dam big C. Wow today I feel like laying down & sleeping & just letting mother nature take over.
Yep I am depressed I realise I need to seek some help I don't know this person any more who is she?
I have about three weeks of only Trastuzumab every three weeks so a break might just give me back some energy to get through the rest of these few months. Hopefully I will be able to visit my craft & indoor bowls groups to say hi to them all again as I have only been able to visit them twice each over the past three months & that was a struggle.
As long as I make the effort & keep moving forward I am sure I will get through this but have just hit a brick wall at moment & need to retreat, regroup & reenergise, get positive & move on for the next round.
Sorry for the long rant I needed to vent so thought of all you sisters out there. Until next time love & good health to you all may your journey be smooth. Regards Dawn
29 Replies
- Hello @Dawnc thankyou, like you my short term memory has fun with me and I don't like it. I found a way of dealing with this, when I find myself at the fridge wondering why in the h... I'm there, I ask my 'internal researcher' to investigate. The trick is to then divert your attention to something else like the grease on the stove or flowers on the sink. Then I am able to recall my original intention. Works about 98%. I think I've found a way not to be overwhelmed by the anxiety I feel with these lapses. Somewhere I read about psycho oncology so I did some research and found a few articles - when faced with these very specific medical texts I usually got straight to the final paragraph which basically provides a summary. I have learned that research shows the very fact of being diagnosed with cancer is sufficient explanation for the problems you are facing - in everyday terms this is called stress. This forum is the best place to share your feelings and experiences etc. Thanks for your post, we never know how we might make a difference when share our experiences. xBerylps I've been on Herceptin for seven years, yesterday was no.100, I also take Exemastane.
- @Dawnc
Hope you are feeling a little like your old self after venting what has been brewing in you for quite awhile! Your tale resonates with others and it is nice to read someone willing to vent away and share and for others to say, hey that sounds very much how I feel!
Best wishes and here's to a happy healthy 2019
Take care - Hi @dawnc, I am 73, was 67 when diagnosed and while I have not had the same problems that others have had with memory, I agree in general with the "use it or lose it" idea already mentioned. At my age, it's difficult to know what causes what, and all too easy for anyone to blame it on ageing, but I too have found that being at work keeps my brain ticking better, exercise helps everything (I was a lousy exerciser before bc), and I do sudoku and cryptic crosswords daily. I have also learned to manage my time better - do at least one thing a day that makes you happy was where I started. That also meant things I wouldn't regret the next day!! I do a certain amount of that political whispering at work, most political forgetfulness is highly selective!! Best wishes with that list, it's a good one.
- Politicians have STAFF! Staffers who whisper names and stats in their ears at opportune moments, prepare papers for them, write their parliamentary questions, the lot. Think 'Yes Minister' and you'll get the gist...
I'm not 70 and am in a very different situation but I hear you. I hear you on so many levels. I wish you strength in your existential crisis. Big hug, K xox - HI Dawnc
like the others have said very eloquently put ....
Can I say as a young one only 52 when this hit me back in 2012... I felt all those emotions and more it has taken me a good 4 yrs before I came to a place where I felt I was nearly me again. This Christmas is the first one since 2011 where I have coped with the stressors of Christmas.
only recently I realised I am not getting myself into a fuddle when I try to cook a multi step recipe (note I love Cooking).
I have a suggestion what about University of the 3rd age... U3A they have them throughout the country with various subjects I know several of my BC ladies in their 70's and 80s who do subjects like cryptic crosswords at U3A or crime writing classes. what do you enjoy ? gardening?
https://www.u3aonline.org.au/find-a-u3a
I love your list of to does.....
Do you have a local BC group it might be good for yourself and also newbies attending to hear your story see you surviving this onslaught we deal with.
Could you start making Knitted Knockers for those that need them?
these are just my thoughts....
So glad you feel safe to vent here and know we get it.
Hugs
Soldiercrab xxx - A tip on the pollies - they often look older than they are Morrison is 50 shorten 51! Turnbull was 62. The office takes it toll. There are some older ones but generally they speak dribble anyway so hard to tell
I’m early 50s and have found the chemo/treatment has taken its toll on my ability with words - this is getting better with my return to work as I’m being forced to use my brain more and more. My nurses have said it is a use it or lose it situation. Maybe one of the new hobbies could be crosswords or sudoku - Thank you Blossom1961,Zoffiel,wendy55 for your comments just to be able to vent has been wonderful. Love you all onwards & upwards (not literally upwards!) ha ha
- Hi @Dawnc,
you have eloquently put what I could not, no need to say anything more, you have written everything I have been unable to actually put into words, I feel your pain,perhaps by writing all of this down you will have as you said, given your self a therapy session, you know what to do, its just a matter of DOING it, I take heart from everything you have said, its everything that I feel at the moment and more, I do have metastatic breast cancer, have had for 5 and a half years, its just been the last few months that all of the above has come home to roost! - Thank you, I am so glad that I am not the only one to feel these emotions, you are not a burden, this is the place to come to, to put all of those feelings into perspective, to try and get some notion of where to from here, you can do it, I can do it, we just need a little push along the way, you have certainly given me the pep talk that I needed!! be gentle on your self, it will happen, just not to sure when!!
and dont even start me with the politicians!! - big big hug,
wendy55, - @dawnc politicians forget stuff all the time. Watch when they are pulled up in front of a royal commission or a senate enquiry---' I cant recall' ''' I have no recollection of that' 'I would have to consult my diary' 'No one informed me' '' I didn't read that email/report.' Phhfft. Strange how selective their condition is compared to ours. Mxx
- Hi Dawn, I get it. Imagine lots of huge hugs surrounding you. Drained and exhausted now, but we will get there, one day at a time. The intermediate time is a drag. xxx
