Drained- Depressed & Struggling

Dawnc Member Posts: 31
edited September 2018 in Health and wellbeing
Well it has been three months since I have been online so here goes. Twelve weekly sessions of chemo (Paclitaxel) plus Trastuzumab (hercepton) every three weeks just completed! Last tuesday was my last chemo (Paclitaxel) YAY! 
I was to start 4 weeks of radiation on 17th Sept. But was notified yesterday it will now start on 2nd October and I will only have 16 days again YAY!  It has been the most draining weekly sessions I could ever have imagined, sorry for the complaining but I am exhausted. My body is not mine it looks like some 90 year olds. No hair has taken away my identy, my poor old body is sagging, covered in chemo rash damage, lack of colour, I am so tired all the time, can't concentrate and not much interested in anything that goes on around me! 
What the hell happened to me in the last three months go? I've been in a timewarp!
Where did the fun loveing grandma go, the lady who loved meeting her friends at craft every Thursday & who loved her indoor bowls every Monday with her group. Where did she go? 
I really didn't have any expectations when I went in to this I just decided to do the very best I could at it & give it my best shot at beating this dam big C. Wow today I feel like laying down & sleeping & just letting mother nature take over.
Yep I am depressed I realise I need to seek some help I don't know this person any more who is she?
I have about three weeks of only Trastuzumab every three weeks so a break might just give me back some energy to get through the rest of these few months. Hopefully I will be able to visit my craft & indoor bowls groups to say hi to them all again as I have only been able to visit them twice each over the past three months & that was a struggle.
As long as I make the effort & keep moving forward I am sure I will get through this but have just hit a brick wall at moment & need to retreat, regroup & reenergise, get positive & move on for the next round.
Sorry for the long rant I needed to vent so thought of all you sisters out there. Until next time love & good health to you all may your journey be smooth. Regards Dawn


  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 7,803
    @Dawnc .. I am SO sorry you are down in the depths just now - please remember that it is just a temporary thing - things WILL get better! ..... It is great that you have posted here, so we can send some well earned hugs out to you xxx

    With the change in your medication - hopefully you'll start feeling better too.  Do you have access to counsellors locally?  Your GP should be able to help you there?  Or maybe ring the BCNA Helpline 1800 500 258 (tho only manned Mon - Fri sadly.)  @Giovanna_BCNA -  is there email support? 

    As you are feeling up to it - get back to the things that you LOVE doing - DEFINITELY drop in to your Craft & indoor bowls groups & say 'Hi'!  My Uke group was part of my salvation from all the 'stuff' we've gone thru .....  Maybe arrange to meet up for a meal at the Club with them now & then - and pretty quickly, that Fun Loving Grandma WILL return, I rekcon!  It just takes a while to get over the humps & bumps that are BC treatment.  :( 

    In the mean time, treat yourself to a new outfit with hat ..... (or a new ukulele if it was me  ;)  )  Give yourself a real treat - and I hope you are feeling better soon xx

  • Dawnc
    Dawnc Member Posts: 31
    @arpie thank you for your kind words, taken on board
  • kezmusc
    kezmusc Member Posts: 1,544
    Hey @Dawnc,

    Congrats on nearly being done.  Hopefully the rads won't give you any trouble. 

    You are more than welcome to complain and rant.  Sometimes you just need to get it out of your head.  The highs and lows ebb and flow the whole way along.  You are correct, sometimes it just feels like someone else is driving and you  don't have control.  It will get better after you're done.  It takes a while but you will get back to you.

    Rest if you need to don't rest if you don't.  There is no right or wrong way you just have to muddle through as best you can until you come out the other side.

    Hope you feel better soon.


  • Dawnc
    Dawnc Member Posts: 31
    @kezmusc thanks I will muster on & get through this. As so many others have once again thanks
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,960
    @Dawnc I was right where you are just a few weeks ago - at the end of Taxol and coming up for rads, and at the bottom of a deep dark well.  I knew that I needed to get some help to get back on track and was finally able to get in to someone. I feel a lot better now and finishing rads last week helped even more.
  • jennyss
    jennyss Member Posts: 2,006
    Dear @Dawnc,

    and best wishes from jennyss in Western NSW
  • primek
    primek Member Posts: 5,392
    Congratulations on completing chemo and yes...you feel like a marathon runner dragging yourself across the finish line. In a few weeks a little of the old you will start emerging. You'll continue to need to rest more after doing things...but you will start to want to do things. 7 weeks on I was back working part time...4 hours a day but came home and had a solid hour sleep. Haha. It does get better but it takes effort to get your fitness and vitality back. But resting when really tired is crucial to that too. It took me 6 months to get back to full time work. 2 years on and I'm still trying to get my post work energy back. I might never but I'll keep trying.
  • SoldierCrab
    SoldierCrab Member Posts: 3,449

    HI DawnC it took me a while to get over the depths of despair.... IF you are still not feeling ok ask for a mental health plan and get in to see a professional who can help you process all the roller coaster ride and work your way through the emotions we often leave on the side line as we go through our treatment.... and VENT All you want here we get it .... 

  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974
    Hi Dawn. I've often thought about you, and recall the beautiful photos from your daughter's wedding. I'm glad you've popped in back here.

    I felt I lost sight of who I was, though that happened before BC arrived, due to the tsunami of trauma that my family had gone through. It was BC that stripped away the last veneer of pretence and defence that I had. I am in the process of getting back to the things I value the most about me. Some of those are old and some of those are new, discovered during the BC experience. Sometimes it's confronting! Sometimes it's difficult.

    You will get there. I was as miserable as sin at the end of chemo. All my friends kept saying how happy I must be; it was the the good folk here who understood.

    You will get there but it's important to be kind to yourself, possibly a little bit selfish, and if you feel you're stuck, find a counsellor of some sort to have a chat to. It doesn't have to be face to face; there are some terrific phone services available. Or you might be a support group person.

    Stay in touch here lovely, and hang in there. You will be OK. K xox
  • Dawnc
    Dawnc Member Posts: 31
    Thanks everyone for your beautiful words of encouragement. I feel selfish listening to you all having come through it. It is something i must address as I feel my life has changed forever. Im sure I will never be that same person before diagnosis so I will now need to look at the future Dawn and plan accordingly. As they say MAN plans & God displans! I will try to push through this but a little later on when I feel I can cope with thinking too deep.
    Good health & happiness to you all sisters. After all what is the alternative? I don't even want to go there!
  • Fletch
    Fletch Member Posts: 102
    Hi @Dawnc, after reading what you've been thru and others too on this forum ,gives ME strength to continue my own roller coaster. 
    Thankyou for sharing. 
    I second everything said above but also note what you said about the new you......i have no doubt the "new" Dawn will emerge from the cocoon more capable, strong and beautiful than ever. Just in your own time ! Best wishes and a hug.xxx
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974
    Not selfish at all to have all the feels! I sense you're very hard on yourself. Be gentle with you sista! K xox
  • Suzi_S61
    Suzi_S61 Member Posts: 68
    Dawnc I am amazed at all you have been through. It takes an inner strength to go through all that so when you feel you have nothing left in the tank just remember it took that strong woman to get through all of this in the first place. She is still in there. When you feel like you cant get any lower the only way is up. Can you ask your friends or family to visit you and you may not feel like having them around but they are your support and they are only waiting for you to ask, I'm sure.
    Find something that interests you it could be something you haven't done before but not too complicated. Its good to take your mind off your worries. We are all here for you any time. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Others have suggested lots of ideas too. Keep the faith and you will rise above this xxx