I Can't Blame the Lack of Sunshine...

Sister

It's been a beautiful day - Spring in the middle of Winter - but it might as well be overcast and dark.  It takes so little to cloud over any positive feelings I have.  I finally got myself to the phone this morning to make the appointments to get me to a psychologist as I need to have a health care plan done.  I'm pretty sure I know who I want to see - someone at the Rehab place I go to.  Anyway, first of all, I can't get into my GP for a referral until October - not his fault - he's allowed holidays. I can't get into the other GP I sort of know until the end of September.  She's fully booked and on holidays, too.   The other GP I know is AWOL it seems.  So, I agree to see one of the other doctors - none of whom I have ever seen before and who don't know me from a bar of soap.  Then, I find out it's got to be co-ordinated with an appointment with the nurse which can't be done until the end of next week.  For fuck sake - I've got to spend all bloody morning with people I don't know so that they can tick off some forms to say "Shit, yeah!  She's had cancer, has no money and is probably a bit fucked up by now."  And after all of that, I get to try to make an appointment to see the psych and who knows how long that will take.

Got off the phone and went out in the sun and cried.  I know that it's my fault for taking so long to organise but, first I wasn't ready and then it took an immense amount of self-talk to make that call.  Now, quite frankly, I wish I'd never bothered.  I'm crying again as I'm typing this.

Sorry for the swearing - I don't normally do that.  I just need to get it out of my head.

Giovanna_BCNA

Hello @Sister,
Sorry to hear of your experience today, how frustrating and annoying for you.  I would be upset as well, as you say 'you weren't ready' earlier to get a referral and now that you are neither GP's that know you are available.  You have taken the first step which is often the hardest.  The 'wheels are in motion' now and all you need is the mental health care plan and referral.  All the best with this, take care of you and enjoy some sunshine.

iserbrown

Dear oh dear you've got yourself into a pickle without trying. Most important now you've set off the train for feeling in control. 
Take care and in the meantime hopefully the friends on here will be like guardian angels. 
Sending you a virtual hug x

Zoffiel

Ah, @sister your post shows the hidden cost of BC It is so hard, when you are used to being competent and together, to get to the point that you not only recognize some help might be useful but take that next step and ask for it. AJ's Cosmic Clowns can do a real number on you by conspiring to make what should be relatively easy tasks so exhausting and demeaning that you wish you'd never bothered to try.

Hang in there G, I'm not going to feed you any bullshit about things suddenly getting better, but you only had to do today once. That's it, today is done; successful, unsuccessful, whatever, it's over. Yes, you still have to go and negotiate the referral, but now you've had a bit of a vent, that may not be as horrible as you expect. Always remember that without people like us--the sick and occasionally fucked up--the people who make decisions and provide services are out of a job. There is no need to supplicate yourself, go in there and lobby for what you want, you have some control over this. Marg xxx

Sister

Thanks for getting the vent - I'm not used to being undone so easily (I don't cry) and I still don't know if I'm going to be able to open my mouth when I finally get there.

DearB

Your so brave for taking this first step. I hope the rest gets easier for you. Take care @sister

Romla

@Sister as an interim step have you had a look at the free online program for cancer patients called Finding My Way developed by Flinders Uni ?

arpie

Oh SHIT!!   WHY does everything have to be SOOOO HARD??  My heart bleeds for you, G ..... 

That is ridiculous - any of the GPs should be able to have a quick look at your notes & just do a referral for you to pick up.  What's the nurse got to do with it?

Deep breaths, my friend, one step at a time - you are heading in the right direction .... BIG hugs coming from Forster xxxxx 

Romla

Understand a little .This week I needed a new referral to continue seeing my eye specialist .Cost $79 to see a young trainee GP I had never met before who took a few minutes to print a standard referral letter with my name on it and sign it.Think I got back half from Medicare - what a rort! 

kmakm

Well that's just shit G. It's so hard to screw your courage to this particular sticking place without all those obstacles. Brave sista, brave.

So a bloody big pat on the back for doing it. I saw a psychologist (for the first time in my life) regularly through chemo, and then all the way up to my op. You know how much I've struggled emotionally since then yet it was still so very hard to pick up the phone and make that appointment.

Why is it like this?! We (well most of us!) compliantly take our meds but drag our feet at sorting out our heads! We all know the absolute mind f**k BC is, and how our sense of self changes. Yet so many of us have this reluctance. I hope it's easier for the next generation. They seem to be more open about their feelings.

Try not to worry about opening up when you get there. That's their job to get you talking! Sometimes i've walked out feeling better, sometimes not so much. But there's always been a lightening of the load for having had a chat, if not immediately then the next day.

Slight word of advice, and it may not apply because, shock, we're different people, but I'd recommend not booking anything for an hour or two after each session if you can avoid it. I usually take myself off to a cafe for a quiet cup of tea or coffee. Time to reflect, absorb and recover your equilibrium if you've misplaced it!

You've taken the first step. Never mind about the tears. Shows how important it is to you. Sleep the sound sleep of achievement tonight. You're awesome. K xox

primek

Lordy. ...and they wonder why the public mental health system is overrun. You just walk in off the street and see someone that day. 

Sister

Thanks everyone - I know that they're forced to tick the boxes that Medicare requires but I can't help feeling it's serious overservicing.  I'm already going to that rehabilitation hospital and had to be seen by a GP and a psychologist there for my health fund to pay for it.  I just can't help thinking that if my old GP was still at the practice, she would snort loudly, and cut as many corners as she could legally to get me sorted.  After all, no-one is going to think that I'm rorting the system to get my head checked out.

I've always been for psychological counselling for other people just not very good at it myself.  My sister saw a real doozy for years and I sat in on one of the sessions as a teenager - even I knew there was something very off about him - he was later struck off.  I think that has possibly made me wary for myself.  And I saw a very nice woman after the bushfires but she got very little out of me - I just couldn't wait for the appointment to be finished.  So, it was very hard to pick up the phone to start the process.

As @zoffiel said though - that part is done and I don't have to do it again.

I just wish that I recognised myself in all of this.  I seem to have lost myself along the way during the year.  @kmakm - you say you've got a cancer reel.  I just keep flashing back to an image of sitting at the table telling my husband I had the Breastscreen recall appointment.  I think that was the last time I was me.

kmakm

Ditto. I too was at the table when I read the email on my phone. My stomach fell away and my ears filled with a horrible noise. The whole memory is in vivid Technicolor detail. The whole family was there inc my parents because one of the kids was performing in a school concert so I had to keep up a 'normal' face. My mother noticed I was quiet though.

The previous night was the last night I slept well. I have come to realise that I had completely lost sight of who I was in the last few years of family trauma, and my BC was the icing on the cake. It's fundamentally changed me. So finding our way back to our new selves is a challenge, and I need help with it. One day I hope we're both sitting with ourselves a lot more comfortably. K xox

Annski

Yes @Sister that's it exactly. I ceased being me that diagnosis day and I still haven't found a replacement. I tried to explain this to my husband today but he says he can't see the difference. I don't even like my name any more, thinking of changing it. Looking for something that means "Gives up in disgust".

onemargie

@sister that’s bullshit. I work as a nurse in a gp clinic and that bloody dr soo could of done the mental health care plan for you. Where I am they all do their own. I do care plans day in day out and I can give patients up to 5 EPC referals in a calendar year to start with for lots of different allied health including psychology and then the gp can do the mental health care plan and give you up to 10. But you don’t always have to see the nurse first he could of just done it for you. It means he gets paid for the care plan the nurse does and then gets another payment for the MHCP when you come to see him. Some gp practices have mental health nurses that just do those MHCPs but not a lot of them do. I wish I could help you love. If I have a patient who needs a care plan done urgently I just work it into my schedule. I do it all the time, but that’s how I roll. I wish you lived closer I’d be happy to help. Hope your feeling a bit better today love. Hang in there. The BCNA and the cancer council have cousellors who can help you maybe you can give them a call. Otherwise if you have private cover you can just book to see a counsellor in your local community. Some patients tell me this is better as they are less clinical and more personable. Big hug. Margie.  Xx

Sister

It doesn't surprise me - it seems like a case of over-servicing but I'm hoping that it won't take long to get the psych appointment.