Wobbly nearing the end of active treatment
kmakm
Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
19 days ago I had my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, last Friday I saw the oncologist, yesterday I saw the plastic surgeon and today I saw my breast surgeon.
At the end of the appointment he said see you in six months. Right from the start I always knew that this time was going to be a challenge for me. That when the steady forward motion of appointments slowed to a trickle I would find it challenging. As I left his office I felt OK. I had lunch with a friend but when I got home I had a little cry.
I've put in place some plans and strategies to help me through the rest of the year, which I'm determined to devote to recovery. Plus I've got a list of other activities to play around with to try to reclaim my life, and reduce the stress which has dominated it in recent times. I recognise that I have to find a new normal. But right now I feel a bit bereft and a little frightened. Life will go back to normal, but do I want it to? I can't have been through all this for nothing can I? Can I make something better rise from the horror of the last six months? How long will I feel this way?
At the end of the appointment he said see you in six months. Right from the start I always knew that this time was going to be a challenge for me. That when the steady forward motion of appointments slowed to a trickle I would find it challenging. As I left his office I felt OK. I had lunch with a friend but when I got home I had a little cry.
I've put in place some plans and strategies to help me through the rest of the year, which I'm determined to devote to recovery. Plus I've got a list of other activities to play around with to try to reclaim my life, and reduce the stress which has dominated it in recent times. I recognise that I have to find a new normal. But right now I feel a bit bereft and a little frightened. Life will go back to normal, but do I want it to? I can't have been through all this for nothing can I? Can I make something better rise from the horror of the last six months? How long will I feel this way?
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Comments
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No answers my friend x
I'm sure you'll find your new normal ! And no you didn't go through this for nothing , you went through it to live & to find your resilience & inner strength . To share your words of wisdom & experiences with us all .
You've made it & kicked arse along the way ! Be proud of the new you , you deserve to be happy .
i guess you don't need to be as strong anymore , be whatever you want & feel however you want.
May the next appts be coffee , wine, movies etc.... Oh & hair appts !!!
You've got this !! ♥️♥️
xxxx
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Bless you @tigerbeth, what a lovely response. Can one of those appointments be with you?!1
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@kmakm I wish I had some of those valuable pearls to tell you but I don't. I can only hope and trust that each of us going through treatment finds some way of living that builds on this rather than being tied down by it. And I think it starts by looking after yourself emotionally as well as physically. Don't forget to factor in some quiet time. It's hard when you've got so much on your plate but you've also got a supportive husband and FIL, so let them support you.2
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@kmakm it’s funny u bring this up - I was thinking about this when I went for my walk this morning as I have been on a similar timeline as u. How will I feel for the second 6 months of this year when the first 6 months of it has been taken up by cancer. I am still going to consider reconstruction but essentially by the middle of next month it’s all over. I’m not sure how I will feel as obviously u didn’t either. We really should get a medal for surviving cancer so at least we do have something to show for it instead of baldness, lopsidedness and a damaged psyche. I agree with @tigerbeth - plan some treats for yourself, pampering, nice meals, are u able to have a night away somewhere with your hubby? Maybe some additional counselling sessions?? I know I’m thinking about doing a couple after this to process everything that has happened. U will find the new u - it will just take u some time to find your equilibrium and she will be just as fabulous as the “old” u. Sending u big squishy hugs xoxoxooxo5
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@kmakm dear oh dear! All these months of intensity and then zip! You'd think they'd break us away gradually - yes been there done that and it is a very empty strange feeling. Yay I have my life back I think is an emotion followed by oh, what now! Having said that I am back on the 3 monthly visits to Oncologist, hope that changes soon!
Remember your poor body has been through the mill, pulled, pushed, prodded, and still a long way to go in the healing process. You have revision surgery to come up, muscles and nerves around the breasts and leading into the breasts that are upset and take time to settle along with what I think you described as necrosis and a lymphatic system that is finding new pathways, and believe me that takes time, hence your body is a little busy. Try and roll with it and moan and groan if needed, especially on here as we get it! How long has it been since your surgery - anaesthetic knocks the stuffing out of us
This is also about you and your emotional self, acceptance of where you are at now, family dynamics, teaching domestic chores to others in the household and basically looking after thyself. Allow time for a little wallowing as it is a cleansing process.
Don't try and overdo it with constant household chores, walking too far - I can remember someone on here talking about going for a walk early in recovery, frustrated with something silly in the household and needed fresh air and walked and walked and then all of a sudden thought oh I need to turn around and get home again.
Take care and sending you a virtual hug and I do hope you don't read this as a lecture as on reflection it seems a little long winded, just a gentle reminder that you're kicking goals and need to pace slowly, it's the incidental exercise that will make a difference in the early days xoxo
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Hey @kmakm,
It is a weird kind of feeling isn't it. You sort of swing between, thank goodness that's over and what on earth do I do now.
I remember that not knowing what I should be doing or feeling. Just drifting along for a while. No doctors, no appointments, no running off to radiation every day.
Life returned to pretty much normal over the next few months I guess and I had a hard time with my brain. Thoughts of the last year just circled around and around never letting up and I was sure I should be doing something bigger, better, grander. It's a second chance right? Sometimes I felt guilty that I wasn't doing anything spectacular.
It took a while but I finally realized that I should be thankful it went back to mostly normal. There are many that it doesn't do that for. I still do what I did before hand but the things that have changed are good things. My husband and I are closer than ever. We don't sweat the small stuff anymore and I do take time to stop, look and appreciate the things I was always too busy to notice. I make an effort to say yes to outings and trying new things that once I would have said I'm too busy to do that or I'm too scared to try that. (even if I am).
One thing that's may not be such a good trait is that I have very little sympathy for small issues. My husband had to go for a shoulder MRI and got really claustrophobic. They had to bring him out of the machine. I just laughed and told him to get back in there and stop being a sook.. Ooopps. I have to work on that.
I started to learn to play the guitar (still bloody hopeless) once I was healed enough to lean it against my chest. Something I had wanted to do for many years but never quite had the time. I now take an hour every afternoon to practice just for me. I find trying to learn new things helps with the Tamoxifog as well.
Sometimes all those small, seemingly insignificant things add up to a nice change anyway. You fought a war and won. That's enough for the moment. Take time for yourself to recover from the battle.
xoxoxoxoxo
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Two year past active treatment and I am finally learning to live. I still have fatigue but I pace myself and plan everything. It is very nice not to have to sit in doctors waiting rooms so much.
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@kezmusc Drifting is a good way to describe it. I recognise I have to feel that way now, while I'm recovering from the operation. I hope I can structure a week to week existence that will avoid that becoming a permanent state.
I get the "bigger better grander" thing too. I think we get clobbered with the women's magazine 'I had cancer and look at my wonderful life now' stories a fair bit. Mostly survivors are just quietly getting on with their daily business, struggling or thriving.
I know I have to be patient and let myself move through recovery at my body's pace, not my brain's. It's challenging though! I hope I get a psychological 'I fought a war and won' moment. That'd be good.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think we're similar in some ways, so your perspectives are quite valuable to me. K xox4 -
I remember so well what you describe @kmakm. At my lowest ebb when I thought my life was over I found enough strength to ring the Cancer Council who arranged Cancer Connect with a lovely lady In Qld who had had breast cancer.Hearing the light in that woman’s voice started the process of lifting me out of my darkness as I realised maybe I too could get thru this and have a life.
I joined a local breast cancer support group and did Encore a hydrotherapy program -they both helped a lot in reassuring me that my life would go on and I could enjoy it.The biggest value to me was knowing and seeing there were others around me in the same boat - having coffee , shopping in the supermarket , out walking etc - they were living their lives and I would too.
So gradually I got out there and returned to my former activities and added new ones. It has changed me but maybe not noticeably to the casual observer and one might say for the better as I take my health a bit more seriously exercising regularly although struggle with diet as eating esp sweets is my way of dealing with stress.
Things take time and practice and while you are finding your feet and the new normal you have a lot of friends on here to help you . XO3 -
Thank you @kmakm. That's a lovely thing to say. I often wonder whether my contributions are any help to anyone. I hope so. More often than not I wonder whether they even make sense given my new found talent of forgetting how to spell and spinning words. Thanks goodness for spell check LOL.
This may go over like a lead balloon, but I have found checking out of the forum for a few days every so often helpful as well. Now, don't get me wrong, I love this place and don't stay away long, but I find at times the constant replay of thinking, reading and writing about BC all the time doesn't give my mind a break. It's a perpetual loop of reliving it, not always, sometimes it doesn't bother me at all.
I wonder if anyone else thinks this.
xoxoxoxo3 -
Agree @Romla the support and knowledge here is amazing and I do feel exactly the same way about giving back. This forum provided me more answers and support throughout than any medico could have. The emotional support, the relief of feeling you are not alone and can express your concerns is invaluable and I hope nobody takes it the wrong way.3
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@Romla @kezmusc No lead balloon with that concept at all. I feel the same way and know I ebb and flow a bit. I was on here a bit less last week, just needed to check in less and let the mind free range and rest a bit more. I expect as life gathers pace again I won't be here as much, but I definitely get SO much help at the moment, and feel very strongly about giving back, that I'm rusted on for now!
Having said that, I've got a lot of admin to do now, and then some laundry, and tv to watch, so it's over and out for a couple of hours at least! K xox3
