Today I feel so sad and alone . My daughter tells me lately I've been to hard to live with and this morning my husband said he needed a few days away so both of them left . Before he left he told me if I was dying I would be nicer sometimes which cut my heart out. I don't think I'm dying but they obviously do.... so sitting with tears flowing with my beautiful dogue de Bordeaux alias my best friend who totally gets my pain I did some soul searching all alone and feeling totally sorry for myself yes night after night I get hardly sleep and I'm moody some times . 18 months into my diagnosis and 12 month metastic I simply cannot live comfortably with this well I can't .Be it they all tell me to be grateful and put a smile on my face for my treatment appears to be doing it' job. But I can tell I'm now a burden everyone's just simply over it and the calls and well wishes I miss..... that stopped too and Really I know i get it and im over it as well now......I so am

Yes ,I think we all have our blue days. People often say to me , " you are so strong " but I don't feel that way. Having I V . Chemo every 3 weeks out of 4 is really no fun . What else can you do but turn up each week. At least the chemo nurses are very understanding and help to brighten your day. I find when I'm feeling really down my family and friends feel that way too when I'm around so I try and shake off the blues . Im lucky that I have a good group of support friends and an understanding husband who cops all hell when I'm feeling over tired and not coping well. I am greatful that I'm still here with metastic b.c. almost 6 years .so hears to keeping the chin up . Chemo day tomorrow. What fun.! And I wish you all a wonderful year ahead with lots of happiness and good health.

@wendy55 your heartfelt post to @Sam09 is truly beautiful; made me teary as I listen to the rain pounding on the roof in spits and fartsSending a virtual hug to you both xx

Thank you to @iserbrown and @onemargie and to all the lovely ladies who have posted messages,yes, I do feel in a better place,I just quickly wanted to say to you and yours from me and mine, from my house to your house,may the new year bring us ALL the peace of mind and good health that we all so richly deserve, my partner and I will walk up the hill just outside our house and watch the fireworks off the beach, then we will walk home and probably go to bed,so certainly wont be "seeing" the new year in, however to those of you who do, have a glass of bubbles or two or three for me will you!!!Will post again very soon,my heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you, YOU are the most amazing group of women I have ever had the privalage of "talking" to,wendy55xxxx

Dear@Sam09,I have just read your post and at first I was not going to reply, simply, because I am where you are and have been for several months now,I dont have any magic wand to wave if I did I would have litterally clobbered myself with it however, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND ITS OKAY!!!I am so very sorry that your husband and daughter feel that they needed some time away, and yet at least they are able to tell you why, and yes it doesnt make it any better,however you now have some time to REGROUP.I am 4 and a half years diagnosed with mets to my liver and bones and yes just recently I woke up and said to myself, thats it I am over this and I WANT IT to go away, four and a half years was by my definition a long ENOUGH Pergotory(HELLL!)and I decended into well I am not quite sure what depression I suppose, a feeling of whats the point, everyone had been telling me for so long how strong I was how brave I was and I did not feel like that woman anymore, so I have withdrawn and kept to myself, I dint want to talk to anyone or see any one, I havent posted here on the website, but did log on just to see how everyone was going, the christmas season is a bad enough, stressful enough time as it is without the added feelings that you are going through, like you I found the well wishes and phone calls slowly petered out and then it just becomes a day in day out put one foot in front of the other kind of living,medication, scans, blood tests, wondering if and when it, the cancer may or may not progress, trying to live while really at times only feeling half alive.I knew what was happening to me I just had no control over it, however after recognising the symptoms as well as my McGrath nurse who had been in contact every couple of days, I rang my pyschologist and had a hour long chat with her, I have organised a phone call with the BCNA pyschologist, Dr.Carrie Lethborg, you can have a telephone consult with her in your own home just ring the 1800 number and organise with the girls, its a service provided by BCNA and Dr Carrie is truly a wonderful woman who gets it!! she only speaks with cancer patients,I made an appointment with my GP and now my anti depressants have been increased just slightly,if you havent already go to the metastic site here on bcna and there are a series of videos , 4 women myself included were interviewed about what its like living with metastatic breast cancer.This disease was NOT a part of my retirement plans I can tell you, however after much soul searching I have finally come to the conclusion that there is NOTHIng I can change about it, I live and eat as healthily as possible I exercise when I am able, I enjoy my family, however I also enjoy a lot of alone time, I participate in support groups when I feel like it.In your situation, perhaps when your husband comes home could you sit down and tell him all of what you are feeling, I might add that Dr.Carrie also talks with husbands and partners about the impact of metastatic breast cancer on them,we are not the only ones going through this, it has a profound impact on our families who really dont know how to deal with it, Its about being as empowered as possible having all the information you can, utilising the support out there in the broader community, THIS will not go away, we are stuck with it, and have to deal with it as best we can, you are not alone,YOU can deal with this, one hour at a time, one day at a time,have you considered an OTIS RETREAT holiday maybe not just now but in a few months time when the kids have gone back to school and its a bit cooler, just look online, they have beautiful retreats for up to 6 or 7 nights no charge, just take your own food, you and hubby might benefit from some time out.In the mean time, as I said its okay, we all feel like this at some time or another, enjoy your time with your beautiful dog, confide in him, give him a big hug and have a good cleansing cry, have a day in bed, do what the bloody hell you want,eat chocolate,it will get better, believe me,I know!!love and hugs, wish I could sit down and have a cuppa with you,wendy55ps, writing this has helped me as well x

Thank you Wendy cause you so get how I'm feeling . We have a holiday house in which my pup my wittle puss cat and I see going up to tomorrow morning it is only 100 metres from the most beautiful pet friendly beach and will be my saviour and needs to be as I feel quite alone and desperately sad right now thank heavens for pets Albert just gave me the most sloppy big kiss a 70 kilo pup can give and it's made my day and he never licks so he knows and ......is excited to swap his country paws for his beach paws tomorrow. Big hugs to you for your kind words my virtual friend x

Wow today I feel so terribly sad and sorry for myself shame on me.

28 Replies

wendy_h67
Member
8 years ago
Thank you, but Im not the only one. Today at chemo I got to chat to a couple of woman younger than me , who turn up regularly on a Tuesday for chemo, for metastatic breast cancer. We are known as the Tuesday girls and have a good old yak together while we are there. At least I have made some new friends by attending the chemo ward, so it does have it's benefits.
Hendrix
Member
8 years ago
@wendy_h67 I take my hat off to you xx
wendy_h67
Member
8 years ago
Hi Hendrix,I started with I V Abraxine for 6 months then went on to Xeloda tabs until they started to fail and the side effects were causing alot of pain in my feet. I then went onto Aromison for about 2 years but sadly that started to fail and scans showed more bone mets. I had Afinitor tabs for a short period, but they caused high temps and flu like symptoms. So now I'm back on IV Abraxine which I started last December. Over 12 months ago. Its not really that bad . I get time off for good behavior and can go away for a week or 2. My oncologist even gave me my birthday off last year ,so I really celebrated. Really we are lucky that there is treatment available when one treatment starts to fail. It would be good to get more treatment on the PBS. though.
JasiB1
Member
8 years ago
Hi Sam. Big hugs from WA xx
Hendrix
Member
8 years ago
@wendy_h67 I hope you don’t mind me asking, but have you been having chemo for 6 years?
iserbrown
Member
8 years ago
@wendy_h67 sending positive vibes. Wishing you a good chemo day! Take care and sending you a virtual hug x
wendy_h67
Member
8 years ago
Yes ,I think we all have our blue days. People often say to me , " you are so strong " but I don't feel that way. Having I V . Chemo every 3 weeks out of 4 is really no fun . What else can you do but turn up each week. At least the chemo nurses are very understanding and help to brighten your day. I find when I'm feeling really down my family and friends feel that way too when I'm around so I try and shake off the blues . Im lucky that I have a good group of support friends and an understanding husband who cops all hell when I'm feeling over tired and not coping well. I am greatful that I'm still here with metastic b.c. almost 6 years .so hears to keeping the chin up . Chemo day tomorrow. What fun.! And I wish you all a wonderful year ahead with lots of happiness and good health.
wendy55
Member
8 years ago
Thank you to @iserbrown and @onemargie and to all the lovely ladies who have posted messages,yes, I do feel in a better place,I just quickly wanted to say to you and yours from me and mine, from my house to your house,may the new year bring us ALL the peace of mind and good health that we all so richly deserve, my partner and I will walk up the hill just outside our house and watch the fireworks off the beach, then we will walk home and probably go to bed,so certainly wont be "seeing" the new year in, however to those of you who do, have a glass of bubbles or two or three for me will you!!!
Will post again very soon,
my heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you, YOU are the most amazing group of women I have ever had the privalage of "talking" to,
wendy55xxxx
iserbrown
Member
8 years ago
@wendy55 Just to say hope you're in a good space also. Take care x
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
Hi therec@sam09 and @wendy55 so it’s takem me a few days to get my head around your posts I kept trying to reply but kept losing my shit. So now I’m on the front deck of our little holiday shack at Agnes Water that we managed to hang onto by the skin of our teeth during this climb to the top of this shitsville mountain we call breast cancer. And without sounding too fucking cliche it’s a bloody privelage to know you both and I’m so glad you can get on this forum and speak to us and open up about everything. It’s also quite personal what you guys have mentioned and I want to thank both from the bottom of my heart for saying it how it is it’s truly inspirational. Biggest hug to you both. Would love to join you for the cuppa if we can ever arrange it. Margie. X