Wow today I feel so terribly sad and sorry for myself shame on me.

Sam09

Today I feel so sad and alone . My daughter tells me lately I've been to hard to live with and this morning my husband said he needed a few days away so both of them left . Before he left he told me if I was dying I would be nicer sometimes which cut my heart out. I don't think I'm dying but they obviously do.... so sitting with tears flowing with my beautiful dogue de Bordeaux alias my best friend who totally gets my pain I did some soul searching all alone and feeling totally sorry for myself  yes night after night I get hardly sleep and I'm moody some times . 18 months into my diagnosis and 12 month metastic I simply cannot live comfortably with this well I can't .
Be it they all tell me to be grateful and put a smile on my face for my treatment appears to be doing it' job. 
But I can tell I'm now a burden everyone's just simply over it and the calls and well wishes I miss..... that stopped too  and 
Really I know i get it and im over it as well   now......I so am  

iserbrown

@Sam09

Oh Sam!  I think you need to speak with a Counsellor - BCNA are on leave until 2 January - maybe try Cancer Council, phone number 13 11 20

http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/131120.html


It's a so and so the predicament you are in with your health.  We all, including your hubby and daughter, handle things in our own way - what you need is some coping mechanisms as well as cuddles with your dogue de Bordeaux

Take care x

wendy55

Dear@Sam09,
I have just read your post and at first I was not going to reply, simply, because I am where you are and have been for several months now,I dont have any magic wand to wave if I did I would have litterally clobbered myself with it however, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND ITS OKAY!!!
I am so very sorry that your husband and daughter feel that they needed some time away, and yet at least they are able to tell you why, and yes it doesnt make it any better,however you now have some time to REGROUP.
I am 4 and a half years diagnosed with mets to my liver and bones and yes just recently I woke up and said to myself, thats it I am over this and I WANT IT to go away, four and a half years was by my definition a long ENOUGH Pergotory(HELLL!)
and I decended into well I am not quite sure what depression I suppose, a feeling of whats the point, everyone had been telling me for so long how strong I was how brave I was and I did not feel like that woman anymore, so I have withdrawn and kept to myself, I dint want to talk to anyone or see any one, I havent posted here on the website, but did log on just to see how everyone was going, the christmas season is a bad enough, stressful enough time as it is without the added feelings that you are going through, like you I found the well wishes and phone calls slowly petered out and then it just becomes a day in day out put one foot in front of the other kind of living,medication, scans, blood tests, wondering if and when it, the cancer may or may not progress, trying to live while really at times only feeling half alive.
I knew what was happening to me I just had no control over it, however after recognising the symptoms as well as my McGrath nurse who had been in contact every couple of days, I rang my pyschologist and had a hour long chat with her, I have organised a phone call with the BCNA pyschologist, Dr.Carrie Lethborg, you can have a telephone consult with her in your own home just ring the 1800 number and organise with the girls, its a service provided by BCNA and Dr Carrie is truly a wonderful woman who gets it!! she only speaks with cancer patients,I made an appointment with my GP and now my anti depressants have been increased just slightly,if you havent already go to the metastic site here on bcna and there are a series of videos , 4 women myself included were interviewed about what its like living with metastatic breast cancer.
This disease was NOT a part of my retirement plans I can tell you, however after much soul searching I have finally come to the conclusion that there is NOTHIng I can change about it, I live and eat as healthily as possible I exercise when I am able, I enjoy my family, however I also enjoy a lot of alone time, I participate in support groups when I feel like it.
In your situation, perhaps when your husband comes home could you sit down and tell him all of what you are feeling, I might add that Dr.Carrie also talks with husbands and partners about the impact of metastatic breast cancer on them,we are not the only ones going through this, it has a profound impact on our families who really dont know how to deal with it, Its about being as empowered as possible having all the information you can, utilising the support out there in the broader community, THIS will not go away, we are stuck with it, and have to deal with it as best we can, you are not alone,YOU can deal with this, one hour at a time, one day at a time,have you considered an OTIS RETREAT holiday maybe not just now but in a few months time when the kids have gone back to school and its a bit cooler, just look online, they have beautiful retreats for up to 6 or 7 nights no charge, just take your own food, you and hubby might benefit from some time out.
In the mean time, as I said its okay, we all feel like this at some time or another, enjoy your time with your beautiful dog, confide in him, give him a big hug and have a good cleansing cry, have a day in bed, do what the bloody hell you want,eat chocolate,it will get better, believe me,I know!!
love and hugs, wish I could sit down and have a cuppa with you,
wendy55
ps, writing this has helped me as well x

iserbrown

@wendy55 your heartfelt post to @Sam09 is truly beautiful; made me teary as I listen to the rain pounding on the roof in spits and farts

Sending a virtual hug to you both xx

Sister

@Sam09 , please speak to a counsellor as soon as you can.  This thing is just crap and you can't expect to deal with it and be positive all of the time.  Sleeplessness and anxiety is going to come out whether you try to hide it or not.  Your husband might be right to say he needs some time but it sounds as if he needs help, too.  Often men aren't very good at getting help until they're breaking. My thoughts are with you.

Sam09

Thank you Wendy cause you so get how I'm feeling . We have a holiday house in which my pup my wittle puss cat and I see going up to tomorrow morning it is only 100 metres from the most beautiful pet friendly beach and will be my saviour and needs to be as I feel quite alone and desperately sad right now thank heavens for pets Albert just gave me the most sloppy big kiss a 70 kilo pup can give and  it's made  my day and he never licks so he knows and ......is excited to swap his country paws for his beach paws tomorrow.  Big hugs to you for your kind words my virtual friend x

Sam09

Oh and Wendy four and a half years going strong is.so wonderful.

poodlejules

@Sam09,no words just a big hug from rainy Melbourne xox

Sam09

Hug back you know I just feel so much better already thank you ladies I appreciate your words of kindness more than you could ever know..

wendy55

Hi Sam,
So very glad to hear that you are going to take your fur family and enjoy some time together by the beach, see, you have already made that all important first step!! I live by the beach its about 75 meters from the front door, however my saviour is the lush greenery of the countryside, thank you to iserbrown for your lovely comment, I feel quite teary myself, but in a good way!we can do it, all of us, we just go about it differently, that's why I love the bcna online forum, I wanted to post something earlier but did not want to appear needy or vulnerable, its my downfall of trying to be brave and strong, so sam you have helped me more than YOU know, in putting yourself out there you have allowed me to realize that we can support one another in so many ways and there is no shame in baring our souls, after all we are all in the same boat, just some of us are going at a faster rate in a different direction,
thank you,
wendy55
xx

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Sam09

My cup.runneth over Wendy I feel I have a friend in you and we are so very very far away how I wish  I could have a cup of tea with you and share things I wouldn' feel alone anymore perhaps we could  share Emails but I understand if you don't of course

Harlee

@Sam09 here is another hug. 
I was so sad reading your post but after reading Wendy's incredible reply I did feel better. I hope you do too. 

adean

This is what the network is about.lm so glad lve been part of it for nearly 6 years. We all feel those times l myself got through bc and then was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer.my family say lve changed.yes l say things l probably would not l think f it they just simply do not completely understand.get inside our heads they would say we were mad lol.l have bad better and good days. Cancer yes sometimes controls me but l talk to myself in the mirror and say come on girl get on with it. Love and hugs adean xxx

Brenda5

You are doing the right thing sharing your feelings with your hubby and daughter as they are your inner circle and it does become hard on them but their love gives you all strength to carry on. I think it's great that they have gone off for a bit of time to themselves, as long as you are able to look after yourself ok without them. They will return with their batteries all recharged and everything will seem much better. Perhaps they could make it a regular outing say every couple of months?

In terms of a close friend and confidant who is someone other than my close family, I have a fellow fish keeping friend online. We have been in the same aquarium forum for years and when face book came out we became friends on there too. We have never met in person but have chatted every day on line in the face book private chat (even during my chemo) and phoned and video called and we just sort of gel nicely together. Perhaps that's something you could explore? Plenty of us sitting at home doing practically nothing apart from medical appointments as an outing. This is me on face book https://www.facebook.com/brenda.irwin.37
No I am not 37 I am 55 lol, its just a face book number.

Romla

@Sam09 like many ladies on here I too have felt like you do.The turning point for me was ringing the Cancer Council and accessing Cancer Connect .Within 3 days I had a lengthy phone call from a lovely Irish lady in Qld who had had the same bc as me and had come thru it all to now be enjoying life.It meant the world to me as I had thought my life had ended.The call ( and she rang again a month or so later) enabled me to start looking outwards - I joined this blog and also a local support group which has also helped a great deal .The black dog of depression also started to lift when I began walking daily - maybe it released endorphins I dunno all I know is I felt better.I also joined a local gentle community exercise class - it was not for bc survivors specifically but for older people in the community to help with joint pain - I am on Letrozole and have found it very beneficial- I am often the youngest in class by a long shot but that is irrelevant.I also joined the free YWCA Encore 8 week x2 hour hydrotherapy course which has also been helpful physically and emotionally. For me the key has been to look outwards and I know how hard that can be to start .