Denial

angg66

Hi all,
Feeling a bit perplexed today. I decided it was time for my husband & I to see a financial planner to discuss our superannuation and other financial needs. Well hubby was ok with this until the planner asked for permission to look into the life insurance policy I have within my super as I have metastatic breast cancer & some policies pay out some funds on diagnosis. When hubby heard that the planner was looking into my life insurance he was not happy. He is in complete denial that this cancer will eventually kill me (hopefully that doesn't happen for many many years!). Anyway, does anyone else have a partner who refuses to face reality? How do I make him understand that it makes me feel content knowing that all this financial stuff is in order. I've always planned ahead!
Ange 

primek

I don't know that you can. He's not ready to face it yet. It's no different than people thinking life insurance is bad luck, completing wills means you are planning on dying and funeral insurance is terryfying. Lots of people think like this. Just plan along love and get things sorted for yourself and let him stay in denial as long as he can. He will face it when the time comes and hopefully that is many many years in the future. My sister and her husband bought an ostrich farm not long before she died of bc. She was with him to start his dream and it has given him 15 years of joy everyday since her passing. Wise woman was my sister. I bet there was never any discussion she wasn't going to always be there with him.  His step children worry that he still walks the 5km of fences daily at 85..his response. ..what a glorious place to die. Sneaky plans for life beyond our time here can help some I think. Kath x

Brenda5

I have heard of a lot of people who don't even have cancer but who are elderly have planned their own funerals. Picked a plot and paid for it, selected songs to play during the funeral. Every single one of us will eventually die albeit from cancer or not. I don't think it will jinx you if you look in to your super and life insurance.

Afraser

This is a deeply personal thing. I am of the "we are all going to die and so let's plan" school but many people find the idea deeply disturbing and distressing. You can't MAKE people change their mind, but they may come to another thinking gradually. I recently heard an 80 year old with a terminal condition talk wittily and persuasively on the difference between accepting the inevitability of death and recognizing it as an empowering and productive process. A couple of 20 something years olds found it as captivating, funny and true as I did. Never underestimate the value of humour.

wendy55

Hi, I understand where you are coming from,
I too have metastatic breast cancer, and yes I also have a partner who is in denial, it has been a hard and frustrating subject to try and bring up and to live with these last 4 and a half years, it is certainly "the elephant in the room" like afraser mentioned above, never under estimate the value of humour, it is certainly the only way that I have managed to try and convey my wishes to my beautiful man,you could speak to the financial planner on your own just to find out about you life insurance,and if there is money to be had well it certainly would be a bonus you may have trauma insurance or total and permanent disability insurance as well, these are things that could certainly help you,I have often used watching television as a lead into talking about some of the things we dont like to talk about and again using humour about what I want and what I dont want, ie in terms of funeral etc, making a will is the most responsible thing that you can both do, it is something we should all do regardless of age, another way is to write a letter to him, out lining your wishes, deep down he does know what is happening he just doesnt want to acknowledge it or talk about it, talking about it makes it too real for him,men like to fix things its what they do!! and this is unfortunately one thing that he cannot fix, sohe thinks e doesnt talk about it it will go away - it wont, its a matter of being gentle with him, also if you have a McGrath nurse perhaps she could have a quiet chat to him, my nurse has done this for me you know your husband best, so perhaps baby steps at first and if he just will not talk about it there really is not much you can do about it until he does, but in terms of every day life you may just have to do some of it yourself, this way you will have peace of mind.
Hope this helps a little,
wendy55 

HIT

Men can be weird creatures can't they.  You can encourage your boys to play with dolls but they will still be the same as they mature - we are different and mostly it works well.  My daughter was born disabled, I knew pretty quickly and by 3yrs old she was officially disabled.  My husband refused to acknowledge this, for years unfortunately, he finally acknowledged it when she was about 21 yrs old!!!!  (After that he was way overprotective, bit late hey).  No use pushing him, you do what you need to do to make yourself happy or at least content, he will come around one day, probably suddenly and it will all be his idea.

Afraser

Another take on the theme:

Afraser

Another take on the theme:

None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you are carrying in your heart, like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There's no time for anything else.

Anthony Hopkins

Anne94

Hi @angg66
i have claimed on my life insurance due to metastatic b.c. When I first mentioned it to my husband - he went quiet and didn’t say much for a few days. It was the same about when I did the advanced health directive & EPOA.  But I spoke to him about it & stated we are better off claiming now rather than later - the house will be paid off, we can live & work because we want to not because we have to and it’s not going to make you (hubby) any happier after I’m gone. May as well be happy & live well while we can. And yes we are all going to die eventually just that we have been given the heads up. 
Its very personal and men are peculiar creatures and don’t like to think about this stuff. 
Kind regards 
Anne 

angg66

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'll try some humour & see how that goes. 

@Afraser, love that quote. 

@Anne94 - did you find it hard to claim on your life insurance? 

Thanks 
Ange xx

Anne94

@angg66
no it was easy. My oncologist wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing but I had gone to a financial advisor as well.  
Mortgage is paid off tax free. 
Anne xoxo