Having one of those days or 2.........

MelissaD

Hi everyone,

i dont know if I am just overthinking everything. I been quite anxious the last few days, nervous, worry and I don't know exactly why. It is like the mind just doesn't stop thinking and thinking of irrational thoughts, whether it is because I am just scared in general. As much as it is only been a few months of been diagnosed, I am half way through Chemo, only 2 sessions to go & this time around with chemo I couldn't of been more than ok (sick wise), compared to the first. I was able to receive the immunity booster needle, as I ended up in hospital the first time with a temperature and I basically got every side effect in the book

MelissaD

everything is so heightened. I wrote down some mindfulness thoughts today to read over everyday if I start to feel anxious, I hope that it does help. I'm not afraid to say how I feel or talk about it, I feel talking about it and always seeking support and reassurance helps me.  But in my own head I am alone with my thoughts so I have started to write them down. I don't know why I'm scared, I've already gone through 2 sessions of chemo and know what it is like. Does anyone else feel lost at times? My life has been put on hold temporarily and I think losing my routine everyday has a lot to do with it, more time to think and then I start to worry. I always have someone around me, my mum and dad have been my rock & im lucky to be still living at home at the moment. I might think too far into the future, worry about that I won't be able to move on and think how do people do this, especially ones that are alone - they must be so strong. Am I not giving myself any credit so far and stupid for worrying about silly things? I guess we all wish we didn't need to go through this crap & of course we don't ask this to happen. I know some are worse off than others and honestly couldn't be more grateful for the best outcome. I say to myself everyday, Mel you got cleared of cancer it's removed from your body, the 1cm evil lump isn't there anymore and embrace the treatment as your friend as this is going to make sure it never comes back again, which the Doctors have said there is a very high chance it won't due to my type of treatment. But always easy to say this and hear everyone say it and not to still be anxious..... I don't know if I am just being a whinger lol but just been a crap few days and trying to shake off this nervousness of mine X 

EarthWalkerLisha

Hey @MelissaD you have every right to be feeling anxious and overthinking everything.  It sounds like you're in the middle of treatment so your body and your mind are still coming to grips with this new reality that you've been bombarded with.  Breast Cancer, all that it comes with, does to you and takes away from you. It's very normal for your mind to go racing ahead about anything. Your mind and body are under stress. It's good that you recognise how and what you're feeling.  I think it's very important to be kind to yourself and work on some techniques to help you through those anxious times. I've lived with anxiety and have worked out ways to get me through those anxious days.  What helps you when you're having anxious days?  I know I tend to clean the bathrooms with my anxious energy.  Other times I find just deep slow breathing helps.  I've also done colouring in, I even dedicated a day to colouring in, it keeps you busy and allows your mind to process through everything on it's own.  Getting out in nature or a walk around the block to get some fresh air helps me.

What kind of things do you find you do when anxiety strikes?

Good luck with your final two chemo sessions.  The end is in sight.
Lisha xx  

EarthWalkerLisha

@MelissaD I just read through your other posts.  You are going through a tough time at the moment and it is hard work.  I also found after each chemo session, about a week or so after that it was really hard work to get myself out of the darkness and anxiety that I felt.  I think I just kept telling myself that I could do this.  I can get up and get out of the house and it may help me to feel better.  Chem really knocked me about physically, I felt really sick, nauseas, head achy, slow, tired, woozy in the head.  I didn't have to go to hospital with a temperature though, small mercies.  However everyone has a struggle and anxiety is right on top of the list.  You are not alone in feeling anxious about your situation, your pain, your life being put on hold and your future.  Everything knocks the stuffing out of you.

It sounds like you've got some good support from your parents, that's great.  Take each day as it comes, if it helps take each minute as it comes and reward yourself for getting through what you already have gotten through. Cancer is a scary, anxiety producing thing. You and your doctors are doing everything you need to be doing to get through this treatment and beyond.  Journaling sounds like a great idea. Write out those anxious thoughts.  They aren't silly, they are what you are going through.  The thing is to work out what works best for you to manage that anxiety and those thoughts that keep going through your head. Do you like to draw or paint or colour in?  I've found art to be a wonderful therapy for myself through this cancer adventure of mine.  Art, writing, drawing, craft anything to help you heal is great to try when you're up to it.

Lishaxx

Afraser

It's a hard thing to do - ideally you want to think everything through so you can get some perspective and clarity, but at the same time not get anxious about cancer, treatment, disruption to your plans and life. It's virtually impossible. All you can do is bits at a time. When you feel anxious, do something as pleasant as possible or as mind occupying as possible. Writing things down I found really helpful, and deep breathing is really good. So is sitting and actively, consciously thinking about nothing. Good practice to stop your mind running away with you. When you feel better, make plans for tomorrow. Not next week, just tomorrow. One day at a time. Half the time we can get anxious about things that never happen. This is still your life, it's not really on hold, it's just taken a turn you hadn't planned. Some of it will not be great, but some if it may be more interesting or revealing than you might imagine. Best wishes.

MelissaD

Hi @EarthWalkerLisha, yes I am in the middle of treatment, chemo at least is nearing closure, however then radiation will most likely start & I hope it's more easy on the mind then chemo & can somewhat go back to a normal routine, especially work. At night I do listen to smiling minds for stress and deep breathing. I try too help around the house, helping mum etc & my nieces come over Monday & Tuesday so they are a great distraction. When I first started chemo I didn't know obviously what to expect or what should I be doing. I laid in my room, in my pj's watching TV etc for the first week, but ended up changing to the couch lol as I didn't want to feel like a patient, but I started getting bored & wanted to feel better about myself & try to feel some normality! Especially getting out the house, with everyone being very cautious first time I didn't go out the house. I ended up going stir crazy! But now it's so different..... 

That is a good idea, colouring in, those adult books I have seen them. I may go get myself some.

Before this all happened I exercised everyday twice a day, morning and night, really into my fitness & I haven't done any exercise yet

MelissaD

@EarthWalkerLisha I wrote more but didn't post, sometimes I think I just sit and dwell and overthink and feel like I don't help myself by doing that, just because I am scared & wishing it's just a bad dream. 

MelissaD

@EarthWalkerLisha thank you so much, I may take up your idea of colouring in. At least this time round I know I don't have to be so so cautious about leaving the house and it's been good doing that xx

MelissaD

@Afraser thanks so much, I know ideally I just want to know so far ahead & think of the treatment finally ending & I think that is also what gets me anxious & then worrying about ok so how do people move on from that..... I guess it's true it's still my life and it's just did a detour for now, that's what my mum says - it's just a bump in the road & something extra we just have to temporarily deal with for the moment. I know I think also that is my issue, thinking what am I going to do a week in advance, not tomorrow but 3 days from now.... as I previously mentioned my routine of work, not going to work during my chemo treatment has knocked me as I feel like I don't know what to do during the day, all this time I am not use too. Thanks for the chat xxx

LisaO

Hi Melissa   I was diagnosed in May, 2 weeks after losing my Mum to Ovarian Cancer.  Im struggling with my thoughts..anxiety and depression.  2 new words that I have never lived with before. Im 52, have always been so on the go..racing against the clock,so active, running my own business, running two houses etc etc.  Now Ive closed my business temporarily and when I look at the clock, I wonder what Ive done over the past hour or so.  Night times Im now awake every night at 3am on the knocker...and I lie awake till 6 or 630am with my heart pounding out of my chest, scared.  I have an amazing husband and family but I know I havnt coped well over the past 2 months.  After a right mastectomy, then back in for axillary clearance..then "choosing" my treatment path...it all happened so quick I feel I havnt had time to really take it all in.  Im scared of the future and scared when I think of the past few months.  I hope in time it will get better and easier to adjust to my new "normal life".  Im hoping to start up my business, on a very part time scale in the next few weeks. I marched myself into my GP last week and now Im off to get help with my depression and anxiety.  I also have a diary, which I started on my first day of diagnosis.  I dont like re-reading it as some of things that have gone through my head have been very dark at times, but it has helped me to "unload". Meditation looks to be also on the cards for me, may as well give it a go!  Things happen so fast with BC, I think thats part of the processing problem.  I am starting to get "glimpses" of normal. Hopefully over time there will be "normal" rather than cancer thoughts taking up so much space.  I can relate so much to your post.  The mind is so powerful and can drag us down so heavily.  Wishing you all the best on your journey, you are not alone.  

melclarity

@MelissaD all completely normal, I found there were just moments and days through treatment where your mind would focus on the negative than positive. It's just the unknown, I think as your life in a heartbeat was thrown into disarray and so very easily, pulling you out of your routines and putting your life on hold. It's unsettling and then you wonder where you are going, what you are doing. Best thing I found was pull myself back to the moment each time I started to spiral out of control, focus on where I was only, and maybe the next day, that's it. Great idea!!! I have a coloring book and I love it, it's therapeutic, or do the things you enjoy. I love to write, or do puzzles or word finds. Try not to think too far ahead, be self aware and make sure you nurture you, so important through this. Hugs xx

Molly001

@MelissaD it's tough going mentally and physically. I found that, during chemo, forcing myself up each day and keeping busy helped keep my mind off things. I have 2 young kids, so this was easy for me. Also, although life is anything but normal right now, doing some 'normal' things helps bring some pleasure & things to look forward to. Go to the movies, have a friend over, or, if youre up for it, get into some gentle exercise. It's all good for you. Just don't over do it & rest when you need to. Of course, distracting yourself is great, but allowing yourself to mull over things, cry& get angry etc is healthy also. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist for some techniques for deal7ng with anxiety? Be kind to youself. You're doing great xxx

EarthWalkerLisha

@MelissaD I relished going to radiation after chemo. I found it so much better than chemo. I kind of enjoyed the daily routine of it. I felt so yuck during chemo, which is why it was hard work to get myself up and out.  If exercise works for you then try some gentle exercise in moderation from what you were doing. Your body needs rest but it will also love a bit of movement and fresh air. Lxx

MelissaD

@LisaO Hi Lisa, I am really sorry to read this, can't imagine that would of been a huge shock. I was diagnosed May 18th, so not long after you at all, however I am 30yrs old. I hope the same as well, settling into new normal life for now. It really did happen so quickly, but I guess I'm a way I was glad, I was getting surgery few days later, I just wanted lump out of me for good, though very overwhelming with so much information & with me being so young, honestly every appointment in that waiting room, I was the youngest out of everyone and it was scary. I'd say to mum all the time, gosh I'm the youngest here. I know it's similar to me and how I think, it's good to unload. I have the Journey Kit and it took me awhile to even read it, anything BC I just didn't want to hear or rea, it was just all too much. It really does take up so much space. Everyone on here has been so great. I joined in June before starting chemo but wasn't up to even looking on it, but now I am glad I got the courage to jump on because it does help talking to others and be open with everyone's journey and advice and know that these feelings are normal and everyone has felt like this at some point. I really hope you too find a way of managing your anxiety too. I saw a physiologist at Peter Mac twice before I started chemo but it's a drainer to drive in for 1 hour so I am going to go to Doctors to get the 10 free sessions for someone closer to me, so it's easy to go in and out. Thanks Lisa, all the best to you too.

MelissaD

@melclarity - Hi Mel, it's definitely how it feels. I don't like when it gets to the point where my mind feels like it's overloaded and it's all too overwhelming to deal with, then I get scared I'm not going to cope with it all. I'm just thankful that I always have someone always there for me to provide me that comfort or just someone to hold me. Thanks Mel, I think that's what I am going to try out xx

Lillian67

@MelissaD I hear you. I had such plans for 2017 and they all just got pushed to the side and taken over by cancer. I'm someone who is always doing something and never enough time to do it in so it was a big adjustment to rest and let others take care of me. 
For me, I took up exercise with an Exercise Physiologist, and it kept me going. On the days I didn't want to get out of bed, I got up and went to my session and always felt better, even if it just made me so tired I slept the rest of the day, it was a good sleep.
I also signed up for some monthly challenges I found online, one was Mindful May and the other was about minimalising your house. These gave me little mini goals that were achievable so I didn't feel completely useless.
Chemo really takes it out of you and emotionally just drains you. I have found now I have finished chemo I feel much better mentally. The 'Chemo Fog' is not fun, but you will get through it