feeling super sad and crying all the time

Sam09

Hi Everyone,
I was diagnosed in April with her 2 breast cancer and had a lumpectomy 10 weeks ago. At the time I coped quite well I am 53 and although surprised at the time and shocked I seem to handle it. As I have made the decision not to have chemo and radium and herceptin after a great deal of research on the side affects and statistics it is now I am scared and seem not to be able to cope. For every pain or every time I feel nauseous I get incrediably scared and constantly cannot feel happy anymore. I think I am going to die and seem not to be able to move on. Last week I had a pet scan which was great news it revealed at present no cancer anywhere however this still doesnt seem to make me feel any better. I am wondering if anyone else is in the same situation. I have coped a lot of flack regarding my decision not to do the standard of care treatment most go with and although I feel I have made the best decision for me, I get nervous when most people express their opinion on my decision. Any one out there that maybe is in this situation and I can talk to I am sure would help as I feel I am sinking into a hole I may not be able to get out of and before my diagnosis I was so happy and loved my life I just want to feel secure and safe and desperately want to feel happy again......

Debza

Hello Byrnes,I think you did what was right for you.I also have a similar diagnosis as you.My treatment plan was sentinel node biopsy,3 cm early b.C surgery her 2 I was to have 4 chemo,radio ,6 wks then 5 yrs of ( I forgot tab name)Well I have had all of the above up to 3 chemo.Well on the weekend I was so crook,low blood count ulcers tired,I am considering stopping treatment.I don't have family support or any friend near me.I just didn't feel it was all worth it.So I really understand the choices you have made.Do you have a good doc that can listen to you,as I think feeling so overwhelmed is debilitating.Please feel free to talk st any time and Cancer Council have a FREE councilling service.Debza

rowdy

Hi and welcome it is a tough time when you have to make hard decisions. Unfortunately everyone will have a opinion of your treatment, do you have someone to talk to maybe a counsellor. I have found this helped me alot because I was able to be totally honest.Take care xx

Sam09

Thank you both for your comments. I organised to talk to a councellor today and hope it helps. I hate feeling so low and sad and I am sure everyone goes through these feelings of being scared and helpless. I feel my family are sick of cancer already and I don't want to burden them with my feelings as the cancer word has been constant in my household since I was diagnosed. But that is the problem I think no one really understands your fear and feelings unless you have had that diagnosis.  I have never cried all the time in my life but constantly cry now and just want to feel happy again does that happen eventually please tell me it does. I know I should not have this feeling of anger when I hear people complain of silly things  in life, I almost feel like saying Do you have cancer well No so stop complaining of nothing than can be fixed easily.  Also the fear of if it will come back or if it is somewhere lurking and I dont know is overwhelming. I have always been a strong person but not anymore, now I feel like a sook and weak. 

Bluewren

Hi, sorry to hear you are going through such a sad time. It is a very tough journey and so hard to comprehend all these different feelings. Hope all goes well with a counsellor. I too was thinking that was my next step if my feelings didn't go away. I couldn't stop crying also and feeling sad. Talking to my doctor and also my breast care support ladies I have come out of the blues for now and trying to recover from all this sadness. some days I think I am okay then it hits me again.  If we realize we need help with our feelings I think that is the first step. It's so unfair so many ladies are going through all this treatment and surgery . wishing you all the best. Take care.
                Maz. X

InkPetal

byrnes said: 
For every pain or every time I feel nauseous I get incredibly scared and constantly cannot feel happy anymore. ... I think I am going to die and seem not to be able to move on ... sinking into a hole I may not be able to get out of ... I have never cried all the time in my life

Because of the health issue you're on high alert now, it's natural that every little twinge will have a bigger response than it would have before, suddenly seeming like they could signal something seriously wrong instead of going virtually unnoticed.

The thing about anxiety is that it often manifests in physical symptoms, causing pains that make you even more anxious. It's awful stuff, but it passes. But I'm worried about what really sounds like a depression setting in . You're worth looking after and I'm really happy you've taken @Debza and @rowdy 's advice and arranged consultation.

byrnes said:

... just want to feel happy again does that happen eventually please tell me it does. 

I can't tell the future, but I can tell you that I've been in this emotional place.

It was only for a short while and it felt like an eternity. I've learned a lot about myself and become someone with even more inner strength. I had to go through all the darkness, acknowledge how frail I really was (and am) and accept that it is okay to be sick.

What is happening to you is not your fault, at all. I think we all deal with fear of recurrence, and I don't see mine ever going away, but it will definitely become less significant. I will get on with my life, go for my checks, and leave the worrying out because there's nothing I can do. I accept that I cannot control it.

byrnes said:
I know I should not have this feeling of anger ... Do you have cancer well No so stop complaining

When I'm browsing Facebook and seeing seemingly endless complaints about things like a show being cancelled as if it's The End Of The World I can't help but think 'oh shut up, grow some perspective' either. I think it just means you're not trivializing your experience and that you're growing new perspectives. I don't believe that there are "should" or "shouldn't" where feelings are concerned - feelings don't listen to reason at the best of times, they just happen and I think you're perfectly entitled to feel any way you damned please. Cut yourself a break! I really hope things start to get easier for you very soon.

Bluewren said:
some days I think I am okay then it hits me again. If we realize we need help with our feelings I think that is the first step. It's so unfair so many ladies are going through all this treatment and surgery.

Me too. I've taken two breaks from these forums and one was because my heart would break every time I read something here even though I was coming to get support. I just had to start banning myself when fragile and minimize my time, because it really can get a bit much. I hope you're okay.

primek

Even when going with the standard treatment we are all scared. I had many nights awake thinking, crying and being fearful of metastases and the thought I could go through all this treatment and the outcome could still be the same. Even during treatment I was secretly worried side effects were csncer returning...not side effects.  It does get better. I stopped reading research stuff...that really helped. I started to imagine that I am cancer free and recovering. ..that has also helped. A counselor will help you explore stuff and can make a huge difference. I wish you well. And PS. ..you don't need to tell everyone your treatment choices. It is your body. Just say...I have had treatment for cancer. And you have.
Take Care. Kath x

Fiona2

Hi Byrnes,
Like you, I am newly diagnosed with a HERS positive tumour and I understand your tears.  I started crying when the surgeon examined my lump and told me that she was worried, it continued through the series of mammograms, biopsies, ultrasounds and further examinations, worsened when I received my results (despite expecting the diagnosis) and then followed with days and night where I seemed to cry continuously wondering how I could have so many tears inside me.
It just kept coming, wave after wave of shock and grief.  But support has helped and family and friends have been wonderful.  I have accepted all hugs on offer, unusual for me as I'm generally a little stand-offish, and have found it very comforting to let in the kindness and care that those around me feel. Slowly, slowly the tears have settled and now allowed me to focus forward on what I need to do to get better.
From my own experience I would only suggest to let people in, soak it all up, absorb the loving care around you and allow others to help carry your pain for a while.  I am glad to hear that you have booked in for a counsellor and hope that this person and space helps you to work through your situation and explore your choices and decisions.  And I hope that you find (as I have) that there is some clarity and peace beyond the tears.
One more thing,  I have been using a meditation app on my phone.  The one that I use is called Buddhify and I have found it to be invaluable in helping settle my mind and body at any and all times of the day and night.  Might be worth a try for you?
I really wish you all the best and hope things feel a little brighter soon.
Fiona2

Melhay

It's not easy by any means but now is the time to be kind & patient with yourself.
This means allowing yourself space to work through the emotional turmoil you're experiencing & time to discover what helps you cope. 
This whole Cancer thing is such a personal & emotional journey with so many ups & downs along the way.
So glad to hear you've spoken with a counsellor - taking that 1st step to get the help you need can often be the hardest - & you've done it.
Stay well & take care  

Mel xx

Cook65

Hi there, like you, I was HER2+. I did the chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin and I still wonder if I've done enough. The fact is we all make an educated decision on our treatments given the information we receive from the doctors. None of us have a guarantee, it's all based on odds. Other people don't have the right to tell you whether you have done the right thing or not but they certainly feel compelled to you what they think. They can't seem to help themselves. As long as you feel that you made the right decision for you at the time, then that's all that matters. Definitely see if you can see a counsellor that specialises in oncology. I think they way you are feeling is quite normal and you just need some strategies for dealing with the trauma that you have gone/are going through. Take care. Karen xox

Karenhappyquilter

I am so sorry you feel so sad and worried.

Of course it is entirely your decision what treatment you have.  You researched it in depth and gave it a lot of thought.  I am not going to try and persuade you to change your mind.

However, I am wondering if some of your feeling of upset is because part of you is now wondering if you made the right choice.  If that is the case, you are allowed to reconsider further treatment.  These are huge issues that dramatically affect your life, you can revisit them.  You are allowed.  It is your body and your life.

i found chemo very hard.  Radiation was a walk in the park.  Tamoxifen is going ok.  It's surprised me how brave and strong so many people are when they get cancer.  

The advice of other woman above is excellent.  Very best wishes.  Karen
    

InkPetal

Fiona2 said:

From my own experience I would only suggest to let people in, soak it all up, absorb the loving care around you and allow others to help carry your pain for a while.

Welcome to BCNA @Fiona2
That is such beautiful advice, I'm so happy you've joined us here.

Fiona2

Thank you for your welcome and kind words.  I think that the pain of crying for weeks managed to melt away a few boundaries such that I have been able to now let people in and that sense of connectedness feels very precious and healing to the spirit.  I am happy to think that my words may have reached out to you and brought some comfort.
I've been walking in the drizzle today with my head wrapped up in a scarf.  Not sure it was such a great idea but I couldn't move my car as a big blue tongue lizard was sitting determinedly right behind the front wheel.  Anyway, this unexpected encounter with nature was also uplifting to the spirit though I am hoping that the lizard decides to relocate itself somewhere more suitable.   
Fiona2

Fiona2

Hi
thought I posted something in reply but can't see it anywhere so I'll say it again..thanks for the loving welcome.  You look very brave and indomitable InkPetal with a gutsy in-your-face attitude on display.  I am sorry that this has hit you at such a young age.  That seems doubly unfair to me but i suppose we could all waste a lot of energy angsting about the unfairness of breast cancer.  Stay strong.

InkPetal

@Fiona2

The post showed for me! You had a little lizard friend show up and snuggle itself under your car's front wheel. hahah, I hope it's moved on.

Your words said so much in so little I had to make a point of them. It was one of those "If I could go back and tell myself something" moments.

Thank you so much, you're too kind. Every day there are new members, representing only a fraction of those diagnosed, and it's still heartbreaking. Yes, we could all gripe about it, and you're right, it's never fair. We all just have to do our best to navigate it and support each other along the way. x

ScorpionQueen

HI Byrnes,
Your reaction is perfectly normal....if there is a 'normal' in this whole experience.....I am glad you have realised your fears are effecting your day to day life and are seeking help.....many time I have slipped into the abyss.....but I have managed to get grip and pull myself out again......we are always teetering on the edge of that abyss Byrnes......What you do in regards to yoour treatment is of course, your choice....but I will share mine with you....I too was diagnosed with HER positive grade 2 Stage 3 ....positive nodes so auxillary clearance was done at the time of lumpectomy....my tumor was 70mm!.......Started chemo FEC-D two weeks after surgery, had six rounds, 21 days apart.....had a 3 week break then had bi lateral mastectomy with expanders.....I am currently waiting to hear when i start radiotherapy.......I have also started hormone blocking treatment (Tamoxifen)......

Now chemo, for me, was the absolute pits! I got every side effect possible....they hit me hard and the drs kept reminding me of that!....it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life and many a night, and day, I cried, screamed and jumped up and down wondering what the hell i was doing to myself! I too wanted to quit......But with the encouragement of my family and friends and my medical team, and the sheer determination that this bitch was NOT going to kill me! I soldiered on......My surgery went well and it really wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself for it to be...the expansions were more painful......I am now fully expanded and am prepared for radiation to start...I will have 25 sessions of radiotherapy.....then I will get a well deserved break until February 2017 then i will schedule my implant transfer and the whole healing process begins again! I still wonder why the hell i am doing this! I am doing this because it's the best possible way to ensure that I will never be bothered by this bitch again! So i have to try! 

This experience has shown me that I am way stronger and resillient than i ever thought I was! We are suddenly faced with a situation that questions our mortality....At first you are shrouded with what i called the protective fog....this happens so you can take in all the information that is thrown at you....then you get to the why me stage......then comes the anger......sadness....what if's.....happiness....relief.....sadness.....and around and around the emotions go........You are facing the biggest hurdle life will throw at you, you do have to take a deep breath and step back....surround yourself with those who offer you genuine support.......listen to your team, they have your best interests at heart, and listen to your councellor.......ask a million questions, then ask again until you are satisfied you understand everything that going to happen to you........I hope my rant has helped you in some way.......I wish you all the very best in whatever you decide,