Breasts after conservation

You are quite right Kath , it has been traumatic , I still have nightmares about the radiation room , I freak out being in a room with the door closed and the dread of it every Mon -Fri was beyond any fear I have ever known , even scarier than the initial diagnosis , am hoping it will be like childbirth and I will forget the really bad parts !!!!!  I am feeling so much better since reading everyone's posts back to me and am being kinder to myself ?? I hope things are going well for you and you have a lovely day ????

Thank you Karen, I think I am learning how to grieve now , and that's maybe the best thing I can do , truly never thought I could be so upset about a pair of 12b boobs !  Oh the things we learn on this journey. Have a lovely day and thank you again ??   Kathy 

I chose a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction which actually has helped me cope.  I totally get it though, yes there is no shame in your scars , but never be ashamed to grieve over your loss. It doesn't matter that it wasn't a mastectomy...it is just as traumatic. Be kind to you. You will eventually become used to the new you, doesn't  mean you have to love it though.  Cry when you need. Kath x

Hi Kathy

Dare I say, there is always someone worse off than yourself. But please don't let that negate the feelings that you are experiencing. It is quite normal and it is a bit of a grieving process. Looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of what we are going through, what we have been through and the possibilities of what we may have to go through again and how much bc has changed our lives.  You're not nuts love, you're very normal. Hang in there and take care. Karen xox

You're welcome Kathy, and thank you ?? We often share experiences that may sound somewhat different yet our emotional rollercoasters keep us in sync ? Quite often even those close to us are at a loss for words & I definitely try to minimize impact on anyone else. It's most definately a new learning curve to get to know the newer versions of ourselves & it's also ever changing. Take care & best wishes ????

Thank you Rosetta , I appreciate your kind words , as you say I am not ungrateful at all about being able to conserve my breasts ( left one invasive lobular E+ P+ , right one E+ P+ Her 2 + ) I just never accounted for the loss I would feel , I try hide how I feel as my family would instantly jump on the ' there are people far worse than you ' ticket , so it's been so good to be able to let it all out on here .... I am thankful , I am certainly grateful but I just need time to get to know the new me! Thank you again for your help. Kathy  Have a good one . ????

Thank you so much Scorpionqueen, you put in much better words than I could to explain how I am feeling , I often see your comments on this page and you are so reassuring to everyone , and I thank you for that , am going to try ' man up ' a bit , you are soooo right , I AM still me , just a bit different  , I hope you are having a good day ??????????

Kathy, I feel somewhat the same. I was diagnosed in October 2015, had "therapeutic mammoplasty" (a "lift" on the diagnosed side, an option due to my larger cup size that enabled the surgeons to take more tissue to enable wider margins) in November. I just finished radiotherapy about 3 weeks ago. Trouble is, as much as I love the newer perkier/lifted, prettier shape.....it's not what I've had all my adult life (I'm 46) so I'm a little surprised every time I catch a glimpse. So every time I see the little dot tattoos & my scars (a circle around my areola, a vertical line down from under the middle of that to intersect with the upwards arched line all the way along under my ex-E+ cup) it's a stark reminder. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO appreciative, SO grateful that I didn't need further surgery or chemo but it just seems like that side belongs to someone else and the other....older looking side.....is still me (due to radiotherapy effects, I can't have the other side matched up until about 12-18 months after radio). The only thing I can put this emotion down to is that I knew from my first visit with my surgeons that all the hard work they were going to do to salvage my breast, could all be undone soon after if I needed a mastectomy. So, I built a protective barrier - a self preserving mental barrier. I didn't want to fall in a heap if my pathology didn't come back well & prompted removal of their artwork. So in my mind, I "numbed" extreme emotions. I didn't allow myself to feel "really" anything.....not really happy, not really sad, not really excited......about anything. So many people have told me I've coped really well, my husband keeps telling me how easy I've made it on him by not freaking out....at all.... So maybe that's my reason why & maybe it might help yourself or anyone else going through this. It's not that we're ungrateful or unappreciative, it's just these damn emotions & this roller coaster ride we're on. I hope this helps & please know you're not alone.
Take care, Rosetta :)

Hi Kathy,

Like Rowdy says...it's an emotional ride. What you are feeling is perfectly "normal". We first get shrouded in the protective fog, then the warrior in us emerges, then REALITY sets in and we really LOOK at ourselves..then the anger, disbelief, disappointment and questioning arrives.....BC broke into our lives, ransacked our very being and left a trail of obstacles for us to navigate....It's such a emotionally draining situation we are faced with and sometimes we even surprise ourselves with our reactions....but know this;

NEVER be ashamed of your scars, they are a reminder that YOU are STRONGER than what tried to hurt you! 

With time you will accept your "new' body and realise it's a reminder that you are not to be messed with...you are strong and beautiful....you are still YOU ...

<3 Xx xX <3

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Thank you Rowdy , am sure you are right and its all emotional stuff , it just sometimes feels both physically and mentally that it's a stranger looking back at me in mirror ??. After I sent the post last night I had a real good cry , first time since . diagnosis July 15 , so I think it did me good to get it out.  You have a lovely day . Kathy