It's Not Me
It's that old cliche ... It only happens to other people ... and although it's happened to me I keep hearing this voice telling me it's not really as bad as other women's cancers. I still have my breast, the surgeon removed the tumour and my lymph nodes were clear. So .... that's not bad! People are telling me how it is a small thing, not like their friend, relative, colleague, who went through so much more. My cancer is trivial in comparison. I'll be fine. Think positive.
So why am I so self absorbed by the whole thing? I still have all that post surgery treatment to go through. I haven't seen my oncology team yet and it is the unknown I am most concerned about.
Surgery was less than a week ago and I had the results less than 48 hours ago. I hope Ann, my breast care nurse calls today, as promised. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling ... or writing in this blog.
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Morning your writing the right thing how you are feeling. I felt the same way thinking this happens to someone else. You are at the start of something that is difficult to control. I remember a friend of mine that kept telling me it was nothing and I would be ok and telling me horror stories. When my treatment plan changed and I needed chemo and mastectomy she didn't know what to say any more and pulled back.
Your cancer is not trivial it is happening to you and very real and the emotions are hard to control sometimes. Take it one day at a time and I hope your breast care nurse calls. Take care glad you have found the site
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I'm in the same boat. I'm calling it my "lucky C". Early, hormone receptive by 80%, clear lymphs. Kept half of my breast and even have the freedom right now to opt-out of chemotherapy without my team having a problem with it.
But cancer is still cancer.
You get no guarantees. It can be "beaten" and come straight back, you can be done with it forever but live constantly worrying that will show up again. Fact is, it might not be "as bad" as other people's cancer, but your life is changed forever in a way that not everyone's is.
It's all about perspective. Dude has an arm amputated and smiles through then his best mate crashes their cheap third hand car and falls into a depression. It's not about what actually happens, it's the impact on the individual.
Emotions don't tend to negotiate with logic. And "it could be worse" according to the psychology community does more harm than good when things for the individual actually can get worse. It puts more emphasis on the how it might get worse stress. Cut it out. Give it the value it deserves. You're "self-absorbed about the whole thing" because it's actually happening to you and there is no reason to feel bad about that. You are entitled to feel.
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Hi San-dee. I am sorry you find yourself here. It was such a shock to me when I was first diagnosed especially since I have no family history of any type of cancer which in my world happened to other people not me. I found it really hard at the beginning when I didn't know whether I would need chemo or radiation - the unknown was the worst. But after I got on my treatment path my emotions seem to settle down. I had breast conserving surgery, clear lymphs, chemo, am just starting radiation and have a year of targeted therapy. I have learnt to take it one day at a time which is just as well as I have had a lot of annoying little setbacks. I have good and bad days. Just take a deep breath and try and take things as they come. And don't forget to come on here if you have any questions. Wishing you all the best.
P.S. I HATE it when people tell me to think positive. They only say this because they don't know what else to say. Before cancer I was a really positive person, but some days I think I have earned the right to be a little down, a little scared, a little angry, frustrated, cheesed off etc instead of Miss Sunshine all the time.
Nadine
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Hi Rowdy,
Thanks for the comment. Still don't know how I am feeling, but I'm sure I'll get there in the end. Horror stories are coming my way as well and comments like "You'll be fine" and "Think positive thoughts" seem so glib. They really are starting to annoy me. It's nice to read what others here have to say, but sad there are so many. I appreciate your thoughts.
All the best
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Hi Inkpetal,
Thanks for making me feel self absorption worthy! Hopefully as time goes on when all the oncology treatment is under way I and I am more familiar with this site I will be in a better frame of mind. Still toddling at the moment but really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Stay well
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Hi Nadi,
I too had no close family history. I'm still learning all the "cancer-speak". My lymph nodes were clear but I am both oestrogen and progesterone positive. My cancer turned out to be more aggressive and a lot bigger than first thought, so both my husband and I are more shocked about that. Now talking about radiation, hormone and chemo therapies and I am somewhere between lost and terrified. Trying to relay any information to my family is really difficult because half the time I don't know what I am talking about.
So hopefully being part of this community will help. Receiving the replies I have had so far, certainly have done that.
Thank you and take care.
San-Dee
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Hey san-dee
You will find that lots of people dont know what to say. I had friends stay away all together and others talk to me like i was on my deathbed. Truth is no one knows how you feel unless they have been through it themselves. I have a significant family history my mum was diagnosed when i was a kid. Growing up i remember how negative and anxious she was all the time. She ended up with depression and this was in the day when they used to tell you to go out and mix with people. It left quite an impact on me growing up so after that initial shock of my diagnosis i have done nothing but think positive. I see no point in putting energy into worrying and negativity as it achieves nothing. I put all my energy into getting better. The impact on my daughter as a result was minimal as to her i was same old mum..yes grumpy and feeling like crap sometimes but picking myself up and getting on with it.
Take it one step at a time and you will get through treatment.
Take care.????
Maryrose
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Hi Maryrose,
Thank you for taking time out to reply. I think you are right. It does take less energy to be positive, rather than negative and I have to remember not to try to get head of myself.
Some friends have been a bit stand-offish, while others are there just to listen. The ones that are an issue are the ones who offer advice. "You should have this treatment", My friend had it and ...", "At least you still have your breast!". I just want to smack them!
It seems there are no rules, rhymes or reasons for this insidious thing which has taken up residence in so many women. Even from the little I have read here, I have learned how personal the journey is, and will continue to be. There is no "one size fits all" and it has taken these couple of replies to my blog to make me realise this.
Since my diagnosis I have been more concerned about the process than the outcome and now I just want to get on with it.
Thanks for "listening".
Look after youself. San-Dee
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Hi San-dee,
Welcome to the Online Network. Thank you for coming online and sharing how you are feeling. As you can see already the members here are amazing. They will share their story and provide you with the support you need as they have been there or are going through what you are going through right now. Keep sharing how you are feeling, we are here for you.
~ Ann-Marie x
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Hi San-dee,
if you aren't allowed to be self-absorbed when you are dealing with cancer, when are you? The world has chugged along with various disasters since my diagnosis on January 27th, but I can only view the last two months through the prism of my diagnosis and two failed operations, with the final treatment of a mastectomy on March 22nd. I have no guilt at all about thinking of myself. I try to be positive all of the time, as sitting in a corner and moping will only make me feel worse and do nothing to make my cancer go away.
But as many others have also experienced, one of the worst parts is dealing with friends who tell you bracingly that most people survive nowadays and that there are wonderful new treatments, as they don't know what else to say. Alternatively, there are the doom and gloom people. I have an 85 year old friend who tells me how her sister-in-law survived breast cancer, but her two sisters died of it. This makes its way into the conversation every time I speak to her, even when I tell her that I don't want to hear about it. My brother can't seem to avoid bringing death from various diseases into the conversation, as he is very awkward in dealing with anything emotional, and doesn't know what to say! My sister is ready to strangle him on my behalf.
I try to keep the positive attitude up in public, but it can be VERY hard at times. You have to keep your own compassion and sense of humour going, and realise that people care and are trying to help, but at times it takes a superhuman effort!
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Hi San-Dee
Unless someone's had cancer, or perhaps their beloved did, I don't think it's possible to truly empathise. That's not being mean, it just makes sense. I could never have imagined what it's like - freaking terrifying and foreign and messy. So when someone, likely very well meaning, says trite things like 'it's small', 'you'll be fine', or 'Billy Sue was way worse than you', I'd like to slap them silly. And I'm a very nonviolent person. [Unless you're telling yourself those things and then it's a coping mechanism!]. Cancer is cancer. Having a small, node-free cancer is a bonus, but it's still f***ing cancer. Everyone is on the same cancer bus. How you see yourself is your business and no one else's. You are worthy of love and compassion and support and wizzy bang treatment. Be kind to yourself....gosh, good luck with feelings. Maybe you're so self-absorbed because someone said you have cancer!
All the best x
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Its ok to be worried and have all sorts of scary emotions as you have never had to face having cancer before and we understand. Its not trivial, I would say its more personal. Its your breast for goodness sakes and it doesn't sit on your back or on your leg, its right up front on your chest and its a private thing to every woman. Just hang in there and take each step by step and day by day. You do get through it, so I am told as I am still having chemo and sometimes I think I might go insane before they are finished. Hugz XXX
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Hi San-dee
its very difficult when you are first diagnosed and you have no idea of what to expect and what treatments may be required etc. People say the stupidest things because they really don't know what else to say. They think they are being supportive. Unfortunately, that will continue on throughout your journey. We have often written about the things you shouldn't say to a cancer patient.
You are self absorbed because you are scared and fearful and that is completely understandable. Cancer is frightening. The treatments are frightening. We all understand that. Regardless of how "bad" your diagnosis is, it is confronting and you are going to have to focus on you and getting well again. You will feel calmer and a little more in control once you know what it is exactly that you are dealing with and what your treatment plan is going to be. Take one day at a time. Hang in there. Karen xox
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Hi San-dee
It is a very personal predicament where you now need to concentrate on your health, both physical and mental.
You mentioned your husband in your response to a post. Anoint him as the gatekeeper. Filter the visitors until such time as you are prepared to talk with everyone.
You've got a diagnosis but not a treatment plan and all the well meaning, some have never been there, come out of the woodwork, intending to make you feel better but it can have the reverse effect. I have a friend who I see on a regular basis in the street here at home and each time somewhere in the conversation she says, I've had cancer twice you know! OK, this is not a competition and I've no intention of a second round so you win!
Don't compare yourself to others as regardless of which foob, size or tumour(s) the bottom line is, it is Breast Cancer and there are great specialists and treatment plans there ready to help you and the rest of us through the crooked miles that we will travel.
Hope you get comfort from this forum.
Try and keep a notepad nearby for questions so when you have a medical appointment or a phone call from your Breast care nurse you come to be better informed on where you are at.
Take care
Christine
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San-Dee I have just been diagnosed so I have no words of wisdom on how to deal with/cope with all of this. You have already received some great words of wisdom from the other lovely ladies here. All I can say is thank you for sharing, it has helped me to read your story. I too am feeling all those same things. I don't think anyone can tell us what we are supposed to be feeling, we are all a jumble of thoughts, feelings, fears, strengths, courage, love... that makes us US.
I hope your breast care nurse rang and you are getting the support you need. I will keep an eye out for your next posts and see how you are going. Take care, HUGS xxx
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