Very dark place at the moment
Dear friends, not sure if I'm doing the right thing posting this, but I need help! I feel in such a dark place emotionally, physically and mentally. Three years have gone by after many difficulties in my treatment. To cut it short, I nearly died on the operating table the first op, which then snowballed into 10 operations over 18 mths, including mastectomy, reconstruction, hysterectomy. So now I'm 14 months since my hysterectomy, we moved to Thailand, as you only live once and wanted to help others a lot worse off. I have 4 children and one step son. My step son we don't hear from much, but amicable, my eldest has 2 children but separated and 29, we talk nearly every day. My next is 26, married and hasn't had a relationship with me since she married her husband. My third has cut me off, she's 24, and the youngest at 23, I keep in contact with, as typical boys, he works and plays hard. I feel so depressed about my family situation. I feel I can only rely on speaking to my husband about my feelings. But this is where my main trouble is. He is a good man, I love him to pieces, but I've pushed him to his limits with my sadness. He said its 3 years, I've got to get over it and find a happy place, which is true. I've put on so much weight, I find it hard to feel attractive to him, and he finally said I have to do something about it. Which I have been, but my last oncologist visit, tests showed my thyroid not working at all. I was on 400mg day, but was too much, so I have cut it back to 200. But the way I am is affecting my husband adversely. He has issues from early childhood that he doesn't speak of, and his father committed suicide when he was 12. Now it's pushed him to the point that he thinks I'd be happier without him and have an accident. I have never seen him irrational, but the other night he snapped, he belted himself around the head so much he was bruised and smashed a door to pieces. He wanted to die. Of course the next day he feels so ashamed, and said he would never hurt me, which I know to be true, but this whole sickness, has now taken a bigger toll than ever. I feel so alone. I can't tell anyone how he acted, it would embarrass him so much. He just loves me so much, and thought by loving me and treating me like his princess I would see that I'm worth something. So he feels he's failed because of my sadness. I don't know what to do. I feel desperate for answers and how to put my emotions aside as it adversely affects the one person I love so much. I know this is not normal, but are there others out there who's husbands haven't coped after the fact. He was my rock throuout my treatment, and still it. He just had one glitch after 14 years, he snapped. My kids are selfish, but my husband isn't. He would walk over hot coals for me, but he's only human. Does anyone have any answers, thank you for your patience and airing my dirty laundry.
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I'm sorry to hear of the hard time you're having and what you have been through. I'm only new to the site, so don't know a lot at present. Will say lots of prayers that life, family, health and your happiness takes a huge turn for the better. Cheers, Karen ??
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Hi Sue, just wanted to offer a big cyber hug and let you know that you're not alone. I can only imagine the extra challenge of trying to cope with all of this away from comfort of home. Have you checked out the Depression & Anxiety: Facing Hurdles Together group?
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Hi Sue, my gosh you have a lot of issues going on. You had so many surgeries and treatments over 3 years that I wonder if you gave yourself enough time to recover physically and emotionally before moving overseas?Kids can disappoint us but we still love them and I'd be so sad if my girls didn't communicate with me.It would seem your husband might need counselling? I find lots of hugging and cuddling helps me and my husband when we are sad.Sue,you are not alone here with the self esteem issue. It's an uphill battle to lose weight whilst on certain medications and as for trying to feel attractive with one boob......We just have to do whatever makes us feel good about ourselves.And also remember how far we've come and how worse our bc could have been.I hope you feel a little better just by posting.Sending hugs, Tonya xx
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Hi Sue, sorry to hear you are not in a good place, I wish I could give you a hug. I only have one son and we had a falling out before I got BC and we didn't talk for 3 years. I was devastated and cried a whole lot, he was very selfish and needed to grow up. We are ok now, but that was a dreadful time in my life. Maybe you and your husband could get some type of counselling, you both have so much to deal with, of course, you are both stressed. Self esteem is a big issue after BC, we all struggle with our 'new look'. I hope letting some of it out on here has helped and I hope things improve for you, sending you big big cyber hugs,
Hazel xx
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Thank you so much kazza4450, I'm only new to the site too, but felt it was the place to turn to as there may be others who feel this way, or face problems. We are working it out with lots of prayers together and trying to draw closer together. A problem shared is a problem halved I think. I thank you so much for your support xx
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Hi sue. I feel I have been and still are where you are. Men are from mars. They will never get it. 3 yrs is a long time for anyone to be sick. Most men just don't have the nursing nature. He's done well to have hung in there. He probably just needs a break and a recharge like you. Moving toThailand sounds pretty extreme. Maybe check if he's still happy with that decision. Kids will be kids until they have their own but a bit hard for them to attempt to help when you're in Thailand. Good luck. Try and find one positive out of every day no matter how small or insignificant it does help.
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Hi laurenbelle, thank you for your hugs and support. I will look into the group you tell me about. I just didn't know the right place to put this either. Thank you so much ??
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Hi Tonyam, I feel over whelmed, that's why I turned to here where others have been thru similar things. It's not easy. Everyone thinks, well it's 3 yrs, you should be over it and not feeling sorry for yourself. It's far from it. That's why I moved away so I could make a difference in others lives not so fortunate. It's been building up, my girls not contacting me etc, but was so gutted to see my husband that way. He's a big strong man and not afraid to cry, but it all just got too much for him. I guess I never thought my sadness and esteem issues affected him so much. We've been working hard since it happened on Wednesday to draw together. He was going to set me free, that hurt so much. In that he couldn't keep living and watch me suffer. But I agree, I might've bitten off more than I could chew coming overseas. I just want to feel normal again and my happy self. It's hard. Thank you so much for your support and to talk to someone who's been thru these ordeals too xx
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Thank you hazel, it has helped to hear everyone's point of view. My son ran away to Mexico and wouldn't speak to me! I was devestated. He just couldn't deal with it either, and still cautious around me. He loves me, but I think he was scared. But I definitely think we need counselling though. Men just like to give a solution, and do it. That's what he's like, but I just want him to say, give it time, there's no rush, etc. thank you for your support xx
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Hi Nicole, it's just so true. They are matter of fact, well just do this, this, this and it'll be ok. We have pulled together now we know where the problem is, and going to have a few days away just for ourselves. So that will be a nice positive thing to do. My husband loves living here, I of course miss my kids, and men don't have that maternal drive we have no matter how old our kids are. I have paid for them to all visit as I know we are the ones who moved away. But they have other issues and expect for us to keep them financially etc even though they are on good wages. We actually felt us moving away would help them stand on their own feet even though two are still in our house. But we have made provision this year for me to visit a couple of times and bring the grandchildren over again. I just thought I'd be feeling more positive about myself by this time and not have so much joint pain still, which makes sitting on floors here very hard all the time. Thank you so much for your advice too, I look around me here and people have so little yet so happy, I have to take a leaf out of their book. Thank you again, Sue ??
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Hi Sue,
You absolutely did the right thing by posting in here, I wish I could give you a big hug. I cant really offer any advice other than to agree with what the others have said re counselling. If your not comfortable talking about things sometimes just writing your frustrations down in a diary will help. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot you really don't need the added pressure of solving all the worlds problems at once.
cheers
Mira
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Oh Sue, my heart broke for you and your husband when I read this post. I think everything you are both feeling is so normal under those circumstances. You've been to hell and back and it is all catching up now. I'm nearing the end of my treatment now and my hubby is falling apart. He's so angry, lonely, and can't cope with the smallest things. He just keeps saying that he can't take anymore. It definitely sounds like counselling would help. There are a lot of issues going on for both of you and I think if there was someone who could give you a different perspective, some strategies to cope etc would help. Speak to hubby, tell him he hasn't failed you. Start the dialogue. It is a wonderful thing you have done to move oversees to help people less fortunate but I can't help but wonder if the whole "there's always someone else worse off" scenario is somehow denying you the need to acknowledge the fact that you have been through hell and need time to repair both body and spirit. As far as family is concerned, well you can't control that. I too have been hurt by family. You kids are adults. Apart from trying to have a dialogue with them there's not much more that you can do. Maybe they aren't coping with having had their mother so I'll. maybe they are sick of hearing about it who knows. The fact is it's been your world for so long. Try to find something that you and your husband can feel joy in again. Even if it is just a walk along the beach together. It's not going to fall into place over night but it can get better. Hang in there. Karen xox
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Thanks Mira, I think we will do some counselling together. But funny enough writing it down has done wonders. We are still stepping on eggshells, but neither of us will give up. It's actually only the second time in our married life we've had a fight, as such. We've stuck thru thick and thin. Thank you so much for caring. Xx
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Thank you so much Karen for your kind words. It helps when you hear other husbands don't cope either. I thought mine held up pretty good till now. I had to have emergency lung surgery 3 days after the lumpectomy (only to find the same day I needed a mastectomy too) but I remember sitting on the edge of the bed in so much pain before surgery, and that poor man just sobbed. It hurt so much. Cause he just wanted it taken away from me. He was helpless, and I now think that's what it is, 3 yrs down the track and he still feels helpless cause my joints still hurt, my bones, overweight. He thinks some of those can be fixed easily. It's hard unless you've personally had it happen to your body to understand. I feel for you too. The last part of treatment is hard, as you're left thinking, is this it, how do you know it's ok, you haven't got a team of Drs making sure everything is ok. It's scary. I understand that completely on your part. And 3 yrs and it's still sitting on my shoulder taunting me. And I feel I have got on with life. Seeing other ppl worse off, does make you feel like what have I got yo complain about. We have talked deeply about this since this episode on Wednesday and put all our feelings on the table, and I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't burden him with absolutely everything. Talk with friends more, because even though he's a big strong bloke, he's soft on the inside. And I have to take his feelings into account too, as he has been on this journey with me and stuck with it all. My children are just being childish. In their mid 20's it's time for them to grow up. But definitely will have counselling as everyone has suggested. I really hope your husband can cope better too. My hubby just gone down to the gym, that's how he unloads, so different to us. But, I'm happy for him to take it out down there. He's happy then. Sorry to burden you with all this, you have your own problems still too, but it helps to talk to others who've been thru it. I really wish you all the very best for the rest of your treatment. Hang in there. And your hubby will hang in there too. Take care Karen xxx
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Sue, if you guys have been married that long with only 2 fights you are obviously doing something right!! Give him a big hug!
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