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Sue_Townsend's avatar
11 years ago

Very dark place at the moment

Dear friends, not sure if I'm doing the right thing posting this, but I need help!  I feel in such a dark place emotionally, physically and mentally.  Three years have gone by after many difficulties in my treatment.  To cut it short, I nearly died on the operating table the first op, which then snowballed into 10 operations over 18 mths, including mastectomy, reconstruction, hysterectomy.  So now I'm 14 months since my hysterectomy, we moved to Thailand, as you only live once and wanted to help others a lot worse off.  I have 4 children and one step son.  My step son we don't hear from much, but amicable, my eldest has 2 children but separated and 29, we talk nearly every day.  My next is 26, married and hasn't had a relationship with me since she married her husband.  My third has cut me off, she's 24, and the youngest at 23, I keep in contact with, as typical boys, he works and plays hard.  I feel so depressed about my family situation.  I feel I can only rely on speaking to my husband about my feelings.  But this is where my main trouble is. He is a good man, I love him to pieces, but I've pushed him to his limits with my sadness.  He said its 3 years, I've got to get over it and find a happy place, which is true.  I've put on so much weight, I find it hard to feel attractive to him, and he finally said I have to do something about it.  Which I have been, but my last oncologist visit, tests showed my thyroid not working at all.  I was on 400mg day, but was too much, so I have cut it back to 200.  But the way I am is affecting my husband adversely.  He has issues from early childhood that he doesn't speak of, and his father committed suicide when he was 12.  Now it's pushed him to the point that he thinks I'd be happier without him and have an accident.  I have never seen him irrational, but the other night he snapped, he belted himself around the head so much he was bruised and smashed a door to pieces.  He wanted to die.  Of course the next day he feels so ashamed, and said he would never hurt me, which I know to be true, but this whole sickness, has now taken a bigger toll than ever.  I feel so alone.  I can't tell anyone how he acted, it would embarrass him so much.  He just loves me so much, and thought by loving me and treating me like his princess I would see that I'm worth something.  So he feels he's failed because of my sadness.  I don't know what to do.  I feel desperate for answers and how to put my emotions aside as it adversely affects the one person I love so much.  I know this is not normal, but are there others out there who's husbands haven't coped after the fact.  He was my rock throuout my treatment, and still it.  He just had one glitch after 14 years, he snapped.  My kids are selfish, but my husband isn't.  He would walk over hot coals for me, but he's only human.  Does anyone have any answers, thank you for your patience and airing my dirty laundry. 

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