Is "Brian" the new Farnham??
So.......I thought I had given my lump "Brian" a beautiful farewell concert, complete with audience, drinks and a hearty "F...k Off Brian" back in March. At that stage, I was cruising through the Stage 1, grade 3 euphoria of "You got this Girl!" Doctor will do a Lumpectomy one morning, rip out a few nodes, dose of radiation and some pills just in case. Oh yeah, I was still scared, but I was being told - "we" got this!" "Brian" has left the building!!! So......the discovery of a 85mm lump of "Brian" and 4 positive nodes and 1 pissed off node, caused panic and it is now Mastectomy time. The family and I throw a "Fast and Furious" Movie Marathon as a Farewell to "Lefty". Receive a beautiful Love Note from my oldest daughter thanking "Lefty" for being an amazing breast and the Husband gets the final touch.. Rocked up for surgery on 6th May -it goes really well. Up and about that afternoon walking with the drip in my room, that I share with a 72 year old Lady who "Screams" in her sleep, calls out my name nonstop, refuses to eat and sneaks off for cigarette breaks. I wanted to go home just so i could actually sleep and rest!!! Anyway, 2 days after surgery, Dr. (I am God) Bolshy turns up with his entourage of Junior Registrars and says - "you can go home and by the way you are now Stage 3, Grade 3 and walks off." W.T.F. Did you just say? I had to chase this Bastard down the hallway and make him come back to my room!!!!!!!!!!!!! he refuses to tell me anymore other than you have jumped from Stage 1 to Stage 3 - the surgical team will tell you. I met up with the Surgical team last week and all hell breaks loose! "Brian" made a comeback!!! In fact "Brian" had been a busy little Lead Singer - shacking up with as many "Cell Groupies" as he could find the energy for and also shacked up with a Node (making 5 positive now and 1 annoyed) while spreading the love around! All he needed was 3 weeks of love action and he had created another 2mm aggressive growing "lump" near the original site where he was sliced/diced from the show and left his love juice in the form of 18mm of "Baby growing cancer cells" in my milk ducts. I am literally so shocked, I am unable to talk, comprehend or make any sense of what i was being told. What happened to "We got this??" Even though I am told "Brian is gone" and all is well - I am wondering if "Brian" is going to do a Farnsy and keep on making a comeback tour??? Anyway, IF Brian has left any love juice in my body or is thinking of making a 'Come Back" tour - He is in for a rude shock! I have a new band signed up to play in my body - SHE is called "Chemo and The Chemicals".....playing Centre Stage for the next 5 months in LOIS TOWN.....!! (lol) My new Motto: Find positivity in the little things and Use your words to defeat adversaries! Big Hugs Lois......who is not a Doctor's doormat.
Thankfully I know more this time.
So, 7 and a bit years after a Stage 3 E+ PR+ breast cancer diagnosis in the left breast, I am facing some changes in the right breast. Picked up in yearly mammogram/ultrasound. Nobody has suggested it is cancer just yet but given my history I am booked in for a core biopsy next Monday. I am very clear in my head about what this means for me. I have been happy with my choice of single mastectomy for the last 7 years but am not about to take any chances with the remaining breast. Regardless of the results of the biopsy, it’s days are numbered. Monitoring changes in a very dense breast is not what I want. Having had a mastectomy I am quite ok about having a second one, especially if that is all I need. The changes are new since my mammogram and ultrasound last year. Just goes to show that keeping up our regular checks is sooo important, even in our current Covid 19 world. Very reassured by the excellent treatment of my situation by the staff at the Radiology facility this morning. I was treated respectfully and everything was clearly explained right then and there. As you can imagine though, I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything else at the moment. Will be glad when the biopsy is done and we have the results. But I am sure that a mastectomy is what I want regardless.
Bye bye boobs
Five days to go until I farewell my breasts. I am comfortable with my decision but nervous about the emotional impact of the outcome. How can you anticipate an amputation of this nature, physically or mentally? I'm not afraid of medical procedures or pain (eight and a half hours of labour with no painkillers pushing out a 9lb11oz baby...), but I am nervous of being under for 8 - 10 hours. My low blood pressure issues and collapse a few weeks ago are playing on my mind. My GP is being cautious and doing some heart tests and I'll be having a good chat with the anaesthetist. I'm comforted by the people who've gone before me and say they have no regrets. I know I'm doing the right thing, for me and my family. My lovely breast surgeon agrees. However I am sad. My breasts are actually a body part I liked. We've had some fun over the years; it's challenging to say goodbye to such a delightful erogenous zone. Nerves and apprehension have been rising as the operation's approached, but have been mostly under control. However last night, after a busy day of distraction, the moment I turned off my light I was swamped with anxiety that went on all night. I had a shocker. The valium I took at 3am didn't help (it was only a 2). I'm a member of the Choosing Breast Reconstruction Group but it's pretty quiet over there so @iserbrown suggested I post here too, so you all can keep me company through the next bump on this wretched rollercoaster. Black humour welcome!
Thank you, my friend
Thank you to my special friend. We met several weeks ago at a clinic where I was waiting to get pre-surgery blood tests and she was waiting for a physiotherapy appointment. We smiled then got chatting, as people do. Having heard my BC story and that I was alone she was at the hospital with a beautiful bunch of flowers and a special bottle of wine when I came out of theatre. It was such an amazing feeling to not be alone after all. We have caught up since and she kindly lets me use her computer instead of travelling to the library. In the meantime she makes me a cuppa then we sit and chat. She has three of the cutest animals who each give me their own brand of comfort. This week I confided my deepest darkest secrets to my new friend and she told me she also had breast cancer 3 years ago. No wonder she knew what I needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.<3
Still struggling with the word pre-cancer after DCIS mastectomy
I was diagnosed with low grade DCIS in my right breast in Nov 2019 and had a mastectomy in Jan 2020. I am 38 years old. I saw 2 specialist and both recommended a mastectomy because I am small breasted. Had an expander put in, awaiting for reconstructive surgery which has been postponed due to covid19. I am now clear without needing further treatment. My surgeon/breast care nurse/GP all refer to DCIS as pre-cancer and I struggle with this immensely because I need to feel that the choice I had made was justified and worth it. I lost my breast, it may be small but it was mine. This is not just about losing my womanhood, I felt I lost a part of me that made up the person I know myself to be. Because of this word I don't feel like I have saved my life, I didn't even have cancer. I know I should be grateful that I didn't have to go through radiation or chemotherapy or take any meds but to me a mastectomy is a very drastic treatment. How do you even explain it to other people? Nobody knows what DCIS is unless they have it, do I say I had pre-cancer? Is it wrong to say I had breast cancer? 5 months on and this is still keeping me from moving forward. At yesterday's Psychological Impacts webcast, someone asked Dr Tottman this very question and I was basically yelling at the screen "this is exactly how I feel!" So I now know there are others who are just like me. I hope to hear your stories and thoughts about how you are dealing with this particular issue.
All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..
To say its been a tough week, has been an understatement even after a recurrence multiple surgeries and treatments over the past 6yrs. As much as I knew it was coming, I wasnt prepared for the call from Hospital for my pre-admission tomorrow. 19 months on from a lumpectomy, 13 months post chemo, happy, healthy reclaiming my life. The mental torture has been relentless this week, knowing I'm WELL but in light of a recurrence don't gamble Melinda, do a Mastectomy/Diep flap reconstruction. Even knowing deep down its the best thing I could do, I still struggle with the loss, the prevention, the surgery. Its always been my struggle getting to this decision now it is here, I don't feel any different, I'm still struggling with it. I can be honest, I'm scared, petrified of the actual surgery, the recovery, the loss, the end result. Struggling with feeling Im damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe I'll feel different once it's done? Ive looked at it every which way possible, and its just so mentally challenging when I know Im so well...the tears havent stopped. I will also be mostly alone through recovery as my kids are going to live with their Dad as its easier for them to get to Uni and my baby in VCE. Whilst its the right thing for me to do...am heartbroken to not have them with me loving and supporting me. My Partner lives an hour away, due to work and life will only be able to manage at different times. Another reminder of traveling this road nearly 7yrs without my Mum, lucky to have my Dad who wants to help but is 77. Inspite of all this, knowing how incredibly lucky am I really!!! how dare I be sad, upset, angry, so why do I struggle, don't know how to resolve this for myself?? I've always been proactive, positive and upbeat...hoping its purely the fear thats getting in the way...
Compass (ABC) The Breast Decision - NOW - should be on iView soon
Sun 18th May - Compass: The Breast Decision - now available to watch on ABC iView https://iview.abc.net.au/video/RN2411H008S00 BCNA was 'shown' in one segment. Charlotte Tottman is interviewed re her own decision on choosing to go flat and how her breasts were very important in her sex life with her husband - but they'd 'done their job' on raising her 4 children .... Yes, She misses them - but in her words, she looks in the mirror every morning for 5 secs and says she 'is not too shabby'. She encourages women to look at themselves every day for 5 secs - and to also share their scars with their partners & even their children, so that they are 'a part' of the recovery.Friday Update From The Roller Coaster!
While I sit here at the top of my Roller Coaster, with my ear phones belting out Hot Chocolate's "You Sexy Thing", I thought I would update the week that was.... I have even handed over the Remote Control to the Hubby....He has been watching some monotonous toned show about some equally monotonously boring hypothetical evolution of The Mayan. (Are you asleep yet from reading that?) Imagine me prior to the headphones, being held hostage because my computer is in the lounge room!!!!! L..M.A.O. Poor Man, he has had a seriously rough week and finally let out all his worry and stress after me quietly asking him too - so I gave him the remote control. I know, I am a good wife but he is bloody Amazing!! Monday, I woke up to TWO things: 1. A brand new song in my head. 2. Pathology / Scan Day 1. Seriously, a new damn song! If I didn't know myself so well,.....I might have the inclination to believe, Lois needed some meds or intervention! L.M.A.O. Even, I had to take a moment to elevate the relevance of this latest song - simply because the title has so many connotations! I got woken to The Gorgeous tones of Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibbs singing "STAYING ALIVE". Minus the luscious image of a very gorgeous young John Travolta Strutting down the streets of New York. (Disappointment). So, while the Gibb Men belted out the song, i laid there, thinking about the title, the lyrics. I believe in fighting for my life, my family, my beliefs, my moral code and have always advocated for the underdog through situations in my life - I am going to "Stay Alive" and walk the streets of my life journey, head held high and give it all my determination, strength and courage. Staying Alive, Staying Alive...yeah! 2. The Bone Scan / Pathology meeting. the Bone Scan was easy - get injected, come back a couple of hours later, lay down, pretend you are on a beach for an hour, get up and leave. I was in agony with my arms being placed behind my head but least this radiologist tried helping me ease the pain with pillows. 1 pm: I met with the Surgeon and Breast Care Nurse. Got belted into my seat and prepared for being blasted out into a momentary flash of "wow I can cope with that view, before hurtling off at warp speed into diabolical, death defying angles.....of my roller Coaster. First words I got greeted with: Wow, we did not expect "Brian" to be so H.U.G.E.! or get 4 Positive nodes!" You and Me both! the C.T. full body scan showed I was clear of any metastases to the organs - YOU know the relief that brings! - the bone scan imagery "looked all clear" but within an hour of leaving the appointment, I was being told I was having a P.E.T. Scan done Thursday, because it was "ambiguous." Polite term for: Oh Geez, I seriously can't make my mind up and I am feeling slightly overwhelmed with having to make a decision - right now! As my kids would say: YOU HAD ONE JOB!!! lol. The appointment got even better:- Any thought of "escaping" with a lumpectomy and a zap of radiation went out the door. Instead, I have been upgraded to the Penthouse Suite - Mastectomy of the left breast, complete removal of nodes, chemotherapy and radiation. Discussions about: time frames, surgery, Oncology teams, hospital appointments and mastectomy bras, scars, healing, chemotherapy (that was an eye opener!) and what seemed like a brain overload of info - all within an hour. However, one discussion brought up a slight bit of "Doctor - I could cheerfully smack you over the head".....being left with one size 22DD boob hanging off my chest wall and why the hell I cant just get both removed NOW! yes, yes, I know the cancer is the primary occupant to be evicted but seriously, the absurdity of the "look", "weight born on one side' and yes, I will admit - that one boob being a constant reminder. I left there feeling relieved, frustrated and feeling like I could have sunk at least 8 very stiff, dry Martinis with super ease!!!!!!! Another few days sitting at the top of the roller Coaster, while I wait for the results to the P.E.T. scan and surgery date for the mastectomy. So, as I sign off.....I leave you with a Song title "Better Together" by Jack Johnson! My Life is always better spent together with my man and family. Big Hugs, Lois (who has also been making Chicken Noodle Soup, while listening to music in the kitchen!)
