Yet another new girl

Hi Holly

i am a few years older than you but still young to be diagnosed with breast cancer, although sadly it seems more and more young women are being diagnosed. I had a triple negative cancer which was overlooked as something non aggressive the first two scans I asked for after I first found a lump. Unfortunately by the third time I went back (post my baby) it was four lumps and in my lymph nodes. 

I had six months chemo, and yes I agree it had to be one of the most horrible things I have been through. I know some people can work through their treatments but I found mine debilitating and was so nauseous and unwell I couldn't do anything. I guess lucky for me I was on maternity leave still ?? My partner had to stop work to be at home to help out with our baby so it has been an extremely hard year for us having to move, not working and being on benefits (for the first time in my entire life and I really hate it), plus going through everything else. I've now had surgery (I had a lumpectomy I guess they call it but it was a large wedge of my breast and boy am I lopsided now!), and am on the home stretch of radiotherapy. Like you I didn't reach out to any groups for a long time, and even now my posts are very sporadic as I find it hard, I guess because it was like admitting I was sick and I just didn't want to. 

It can be so hard to stay positive and you definitely don't have to all the time. I know it's even harder when you've traditionally been the "strong" one and have people telling you what an inspiration you are etc etc. I don't feel like an inspiration! I'm just doing what so many other women are doing and dealing with this horrible situation as best I can.

I'm so sorry you are alone, or feeling alone, going through this. It's such a hard path there's no denying that at all. I also lost all my hair, ALL of it! I felt like some horrible bald alien and that anyone looking at me could tell I was sick. I invested in a good wig, and it really is worth paying for a good one! And bought lots of eyeliner and practiced how to look like i wasn't missing all my eyelashes and eyebrows. I also got a wig with a fringe so I didn't feel so obvious. Some women totally rock the whole look though and wear the wraps, etc, it's really what makes you feel most like you, as much as you can. 

The good news is, you come out the other side. You really do. I feel like the majority of this year I've lived in a dark hazy cloud of feeling sick, tired and aching, not my normal happy self. I thought i'd never remember how to laugh and make a joke again or how to socialise and be normal around people including my friends, but believe me you will. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week or next month, but you will. 

Sorry for the long post, this is the most I've ever written!