Forum Discussion

Afraser's avatar
Afraser
Member
10 years ago

Putting yourself last

Thanks to everyone who contributes to this site - I find it very interesting and informative.

I was recently reading something about parenting, particularly mothers. The article suggested some fundamental errors that mothers fall into - assuming they must always put themselves last and seeking to be perfect and good at everything (all  at once!). I have read quite a bit on this site of women who seem to be having the same problems.

I was lucky in the timing of my diagnosis (not in the diagnosis itself, there is nothing lucky about cancer!) - I was, like many women with breast cancer an older woman (67) with a grown up (and hugely supportive) daughter, a rock-like husband, great staff and a flexible boss.

I can only imagine what it must be like to be a mother of two and pregnant, as a recent writer is, and facing all the confusions and variables of cancer treatment as well as those responsibilities.

BUT if your life threatening illness landed you in hospital, and you could not leave, some other means of coping will all the things you normally do would have to be found, no matter how hard, how expensive or how much it might impinge on the lives of friends or family (who, after all, mayNOT have a life threatening illness). Your survival (as a person, a  mother, a partner, a  workmate, a friend) depends on your capacity to minimize damage and reboot your life. So for a while put yourself first. It's not selfish, it's not weak, it's just practical.

Just because you CAN drag yourself to day oncology, deal with the hair loss, the damaged feet, the nausea,the fatigue and all the rest does not make you Superwoman!  Just a tired, seriously unwell person trying not to impose her feelings on others. This is the time to be imperfect. And those who help you and still love you, when you are needy and imperfect are the ones who really count.

Be kind to yourselves!

coping

5 Replies

  • maryroset1's avatar
    maryroset1
    Member
    10 years ago

    You are right. 

    My daughter was 10 when i was diagnosed and tried really hard to keep things normal at home for her sake. If she saw me upset she got upset so if i was going to have a feeling sorry for myself moment...i did it when she was at school. 

    In saying that i was selfish and did whatever i needed to get through...nanna naps, girlie movies, chocolate, potato chips, long walks and great reads. My life has changed i dont try and be perfect at everything anymore. Don't care if the house looks like a bomb has hit or dishes arent done. I find that hubby tends to help out more that way anyway lol. Enjoy life and be kind to yourself always..even after treatment is over.

    Maryrose 

  • Brenda5's avatar
    Brenda5
    Member
    10 years ago


    All went well and back home again. Might need a bit of a walk tho, 3 or 4 hours sitting still without moving is not a good thing.

    I even took the phone to Telstra, it outdated nowadays and asked where is the space bar for between words? Nup don't know. If I make a mistake how do I delete the letter? Try the back button. That logs me out of the whole text! lol

  • iserbrown's avatar
    iserbrown
    Member
    10 years ago

    Brenda - good luck today and your future treatments.

    I had to smile when you said you had a mental block on texting.  It doesn't come naturally to us whereas the young ones are growing up with technology.

    Take care

    Christine

  • Brenda5's avatar
    Brenda5
    Member
    10 years ago

    It is kind of better if the cancer strikes at an older age where kids are grown you aren't the sole lynch pin for the whole family but we older ones don't have it all that easy either. We come from an era where speaking openly about woman's troubles especially health or the taboo one sex just isn't the done thing unless its with your closest inner circle.

    The internet has changed all of that and these forums are just an absolute godsend for those to have learned to use it. I can private message to people all over the world and they have become very close online friends even though we have never met. We have common interests and what's the old saying 'two heads are better than one'?

    I spend a lot of time on face book, for those who wish to join me as friends I am Brenda Irwin on there and private messages pop up immediately and in real time. You don't even have to be my friend as there is an 'other' message box notification for that. There will be a stripy looking black and white fish near my photo. My best friend will be with me online while I sit with my laptop and internet prepaid usb today while I have my chemo. How good is that?

    If you are at peace with yourself in this battle that's just the best. Not doing the washing on time all the time, not cleaning floors isn't high on my list of vitals, my mind is.

    Younger cancer sufferers with children are possibly quite well supported as it can be their children's school friends who also need support and those friends tell their mums and some of those mums can bring support to the cancer mum.

    Young ones have it all over on us with the internet and their iphones and texting. I have yet to figure out how to text. I know, its supposed to basic stuff right? I have a mental block on that one.

    My point really is knowledge is power. The more I learn about this cancer the better equipped I am with pre-planning every step of the way. All my neighbours know about me and they are there if my family and I need them.

    Don't be too afraid to ask!

     

  • alexinbrisbane's avatar
    alexinbrisbane
    Member
    10 years ago

    So true and well written.

    We do need to be kind to ourselves and learn not to sweat the small stuff....especially during treatment / rough times. So what if the floor needs to be mopped, or the Spag Bol that hubby made doesn't taste the same as yours?

    Everyone around us will be okay, and more importantly, they just want us to be okay too.

    Alex xx