So sorry to hear you're feeling like this Steph. I've been open about how I'm feeling as you know, and I don't have any answers, as you also know! We just have to plod on and wait for it to pass.
Definitely have a chat with a counsellor. Just as putting it out here is helpful, so is that unbiased ear of the paid professional. Good valve release.
Now that chemo is done you're probably giving yourself time and space to grieve what's happened to you, your loss of innocence. This just has to be be gone through, to get to the other side. Hang in there, try to do little nice things for yourself every day and yes, keep avoiding the ciggies! No good will come of smoking... the money alone!! Big bear hug, Kate xox