Forum Discussion

MandaMoo's avatar
MandaMoo
Member
13 years ago

Sometimes...

Sometimes life with cancer just becomes life with cancer.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no time to move on - its just life with cancer.  You do your best to live well.  

You meditate, you eat well, you research treatments, you exercise, you go to support group, you see your oncologist, you have your bloodtests, you see your counsellor, you see your psychiatrist, you see the dentist, you see the podiatrist, you go to chemo, you go to the pharmacy, you take the drugs, you go to accupuncture, you say affirmations, you visualise a positive future, you take time to be grateful, you try to finish the bloody family photos, you sleep.  You do the Mum things (but you have help with that because you are too tired from trying to live well with cancer) - you do the pick ups the drop offs, you watch tennis and swimming, you go to the carnivals, you go to the literacy sessions, you hear readers and test spelling, you listen to piano and singing. You try to be a good partner. You try to see the good in every day. You try to be grateful your situation isn't worse.

But, it's still life with cancer.  You no longer plan for a future. You find it harder and harder to visualise that wedding you dreamed of going to (you know your 6 year old son's),  real doubt starts to creep in. You're bored. You want more. 

Your friends - the new ones keep getting sick, some have died, some are dying.

Your friends - the old ones - many assume your ok, others know you aren't but don't know what to say.

How do you escape?  You really can't.  You take active steps to reduce the amount of cancer in your life to that which is real.  It helps.  Social networking connects people who need help but it also opens up a world of misery and connections with people who you would never have become friends with in real life, where all you share is cancer.  You decide to discriminate as you would pre-cancer - it helps because these new friends understand but you don't need to support and carry each of them - it is a burden too heavy.  

You focus on you, you family - your children, your partner - your own little world and what is good in it. Perhaps you try to deny again, you retreat to your dream where this is all a mistake - it's nice there but you know it's not real.

Ax

coping
emotions
mindfulness
  • pisces_tas's avatar
    pisces_tas
    Member
    13 years ago

    Living in reality is not always easy.

     e g. Today, after volunteering at a charity shop I backed into a ute that parked just behind me, 30 seconds previously........ Breathe.......... ( I am not laughing ! .. ) I "feel bad" I did not see the ute. They do not seem to have sustained any damage. It is my fault, as I was " in control " of the car when I backed away. It was an awkward spot, perpendicular to the curb, parked by the mechanic after service to car.  I also was feeling miserable too, with a sore throat and aches and pains. ( Should have stayed home that day, I think ..LOL ) Maybe it was a " wake up call" ? Watch out where you are going, watch your back and  remember to keep on your own path?

     I need to get a quote and get the broken plastic lights fixed in Launceston. That means driving in one hour.. waiting around etc. ( I do get tired more easily these days, without exerting myself too much. I am almost over volunteering at the charity shop too, but that is another story...

    Change, it happens to us all. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes not so much. I am not one who embraces change easily, although I am trying to learn. 

     Amanda, your way with words is great..You have also inspired me  with your Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb and trip to Italy, and  seeing the smiling faces of your children.( from another person's post. )

    Update.. I have the quote, I am going to be out of pocket $550, plus hassle of travelling in and leaving car for 2 days. Maybe I will stay in town, or get a friend to take me home then get the bus the next day? It will work out. I am booked in 11th and 12th April.

    I am also having 2 weeks off volunteering and get over this cold and sore hand (..tendon  ) Yes.. I am feeling a little miserable, but I also need to think about what I want to really do for the rest of my life. Am I ready to spread my wings a bit more? Travel is also something I said I wanted to do " See some parts of Australia I have not seen. "

    The rain is coming down solidly here. We have had a particularly dry summer in Northern Tasmania this last season. The grass will green up now for sure..I always feel a little " odd " around early Autumn. It is just after my birthday in February and it also a time when I need to assess the next steps for me.

     My health, my children, my family, my community..these were my priorities. Keep things SIMPLE was another. 

    Kathy.OX

  • Josie13's avatar
    Josie13
    Member
    13 years ago
    I completely understand your feelings. I bet you lie awake in the dark thinking about what is going to happen to your children, things like keeping drug dealers and badgirl/badboys away from them etc. Who'going to hold them when they have a broken heart and the BIG one ......how are they going to cope without their mother for gods sake. I was 36 when my mother died and it shook me up good and proper and I was an an adult. I do believe children are resilient though and the best way to honour you will be to have a fantastic life....NEVER forget you but have a good life. Don't use it as an excuse to take drugs and do stupid things, find someone good to love them and not abuse them and above all be strong. I know your children are young (mine are teenagers) but if they bring death up talk to them about it. I've had some pretty sad but upfront conversations with one of mine. Every three weeks my hubby pulls up outside the hospital and in unison with a laugh say "God I'm sick of this" with a big laugh as i struggle to get my bod out of the car. Yes, I'm with you so totally sick of the whole thing but glad to be here. What is it about weddings, when I'm in the newsagent I avert my eyes from all those magazines as they make me feel very, very sad. So MandaMoo love those delightful looking children with all you've got and I'm sure they will grow strong from that.
  • Maria333's avatar
    Maria333
    Member
    13 years ago

    I am one of those that does not know what to say. As we started our journey (diagnosis) at about the same time I have followed your words, your journey with much emotion. You have been an inspiration. I recall when you climbed the harbour bridge I was gobsmacked - oh wow I thought - I am in so much pain how can she do that. Know that what you share helps us all heal in some way.

    I feel your pain but i cannot help release it. I know your struggles and sadness but i cannot heal them. All I can do is share my words and hope something will make a little bit of a difference.

    The grief continues with everyone we meet in this this new world filled with cancer. I moved away from my weekly meditation group so I would not meet any more new comers to the world of cancer - but it is still there.

    The daily struggles of a body that has been ravaged by mans made chemicals to help us fight - fight for our peace of mind and healing of body and soul.

    So just for now, just for this month I have joined the Cancer relay to help raise funds for research - as I feel this is what I may be able to do that will help. My team is made up of survivors and carers. This is what I hope will make a difference - so we can begin to heal and fight this on a global scale.

    Much love and light is always there - i just have to look for it. You are part of that love and light MandaMoo. It is in these connections that we make.

    Maria333

  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    13 years ago

    Here, here Leonie well said and I am sure Amanda would agree with you totally. You always manage to put eveything in to perspecitive. I wish I/we could rub shoulders and learn so much from you whether from experience or from inner wisdom but you ooze all what we wish for.

    You know I admire you from afar always.

    Luv today and always,

    Mich xoxo

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    13 years ago

    Let's make it count.  Some people come into this world and leave without making a dent.  Amanda in your young years you have already made your mark in a huge way- be it with or without cancer.  I feel your frustration and of course you should not be living with cancer - you should be going about your life carefree and doing what a young mother and wife should be doing.  You are doing a marvellous job of living even with cancer by your side.  I often think about the African tribes - they have nothing but are always smiling.  This gives me inspiration to live my life as best I can.  You are always in my thoughts Amanda and I still keep telling others of your strength and detrmination. XXXXLeonie

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    13 years ago

    Let's make it count.  Some people come into this world and leave without making a dent.  Amanda in your young years you have already made your mark in a huge way- be it with or without cancer.  I feel your frustration and of course you should not be living with cancer - you should be going about your life carefree and doing what a young mother and wife should be doing.  You are doing a marvellous job of living even with cancer by your side.  I often think about the African tribes - they have nothing but are always smiling.  This gives me inspiration to live my life as best I can.  You are always in my thoughts Amanda and I still keep telling others of your strength and detrmination. XXXXLeonie

  • Sorelle1969's avatar
    Sorelle1969
    Member
    13 years ago
    I love reading your posts, thankyou for sharing. I guess life will never go back to normal, only a new normal that involves scans and tests and treatments, dr's appointments ect...... We manage to keep the family going, we hold it all together, we are truly wonder women. When the world says we really should be a mess, we pick up the pieces and Hold our heads high...... I AM WOMEN HEAR ME ROAR!!!! Never stop believing Amanda It can be done......it has been done Sorelle xxx
  • Sorelle1969's avatar
    Sorelle1969
    Member
    13 years ago
    I love reading your posts, thankyou for sharing. I guess life will never go back to normal, only a new normal that involves scans and tests and treatments, dr's appointments ect...... We manage to keep the family going, we hold it all together, we are truly wonder women. When the world says we really should be a mess, we pick up the pieces and Hold our heads high...... I AM WOMEN HEAR ME ROAR!!!! Never stop believing Amanda It can be done......it has been done Sorelle xxx