I get that people don't know what to do or say. I know they probably feel like they have to give us space to deal with what's going on and I knew some people's reaction would be to pull away.But I'm still surprised at the lack of connection. Do we really live in a world where it is ok to just text your own family about their cancer and not even pick up the phone to actually talk to them?Im so hurt by family and friends who have done little more than reply on a Facebook post. They haven't called. Haven't tried to see me, offer help with my girls, dropped off soup, not even sent a freakin card.Today it has me wondering if I've been the shitty friend. I feel very alone and wondering what I did wrong.

Hey Lillian, you didn't do anything wrong. People react in different ways, maybe its made them think about their own circumstances. Have you told your friends how you are feeling? I know its hard but don't let it all get to you. What they do (or don't do) says more about them than it does about you.

I am constantly amazed by people who seem to never use their phone for talking. I am old school, face to face is better than phone, phone is good when you are too far away, letters are for reflective conversation, emails may be OK for that too. Texts are just quick - great for telling someone you are running late, not much good for any other sort of contact. In addition to people not knowing what to say or do (undoubtedly true in many cases), we sometimes don't ask. I agree, we shouldn't have to, but if we don't ask and they are holding back, paralysis sets in. Tell people you'd love them to drop by, ask someone if they can help with something. If they won't, then at least you know the extent of their friendship or care. But chances are, your ask may break the uncertainty. Best wishes.

Hi Lillian I'm sorry you are having this rotten time. I had a similar experience myself until I reminded myself that I really didn't know what was going on inside other people's heads. I decided to swallow my pride pick up the phone myself and ask for help. The response was beautiful. The common responses were .. I just didn't know what to do or I thought you would need rest. People can be disappointing but the ones who step up are true Angels. Xxo

I'll never forget how sad I was that my sister didn't call me after we told her about my cancer. A few weeks later part way through my chemo I received a package of scarves and beanies that she had knitted for me. I called her to thank her and she was so excited to speak to me. Apparently my mother had told everyone that I didn't want to talk about my cancer and so it would be best not to call!! Huh?? I had mentioned to mum that it was hard telling people because I had to keep reliving my shock and grief when they reacted to my news and she decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone. Hmmm... I was also surprised that an old friend seemed to be avoiding me but it wasn't until I mentioned this to another mutual friend that she commented that she was avoiding her too!! Opps - turned out that she had just discovered that her husband was having an affair which led to her marriage breaking up. Sometimes it not about you. Call you friends and family if you want to talk to them. Ask if you want someone to do something for you. It may be that they are trying to give you space or are worried about disturbing you or simply don't know what to do or say.

When this first happened to me ten years ago, I was really disappointed with a couple of friends who behaved like I had a contagious disease. This time round I have a better handle on what I can expect from the people around me.It's infuriating to hear about how their lack of attention was all about how you made them feel. They will tell you that they didn't know what to say, that they didn't want to bother you, that they couldn't stand to see you sick, that they had the flue/HIV/hepatitis. They have to leave the country, lost their phone for 6 months, lost your number, have sick parents in Iceland, were having an affair/trouble at work/renovating their house. Phhffft.While all that is going on, people you may have underestimated or not known well will step up and surprise you. If someone who is just an acquaintance offers help, take it.Critical illness does polarise people, it's not something you can do much about, apart from cultivating the people who are on your side.

Feeling lonely | BCNA Online Network

melclarity
Member
8 years ago
I had the similar experience as Nikki, a friend I'd known 30yrs I ended up letting go of. For years I felt let down and pushed aside within this little group of friends, when I got my 2nd diagnosis she started calling and wanting to be here...and for me??? Im like but you couldnt be here just normally how the hell could I trust you to be here now?? was really hard but I didnt want to feel that way anymore. It really is the thing of if they havent literally been through it, they have NO IDEA! They sympathize but I find even now, a few that were sort of there through Chemo have dropped off. I caught up with 2 for lunch yesterday but I felt like for the other 2 they had other things to do. I hadnt seen these friends since pre-surgery so was a bit disappointing.

One thing I do know is, it isnt about YOU or any of us it says everything about everyone else. Their inability to deal with the complexity of Breast Cancer and I know for me. Sadly in a way, this is the only place I can come and REALLY TALK knowing you are supported and genuinely by everyone here because they are walking the same path....I feel lucky for that...because otherwise if all I had were family and friends, I'd find it tough because am just not understood.

Hugs Melinda xo
primek
Member
9 years ago
I can totally relate to moving and friendships . Smaller communities have very closed social groups and many are friends from high school (and many haven't grown beyond high school thinking also). I eventually formed friendships through a Curve gym and when that closed we have remained friends 6 years on. As a working Mum I didn't find I had much in common with my children's friend's Mums. Through this bc journey and having chemo I've met some really amazing women and we have formed strong friendships that I believe will last far beyond treatment time. It's fantastic to be able to talk to others who just "get it".
Lillian67
Member
9 years ago
People are crap aren't they! I don't understand people sometimes. I'm just trying to see it as people do not understand until they have been through it. I know I didn't understand when my Aunt went through it years ago. I guess I do find it strange though that those close to you can't come and sit and talk to you to try to understand, just let you talk, you know?

I have been doing FB posts sharing info about my treatment, how it effects me, help needed etc I'm a fairly upfront person :) But in the end you can't make people do anything they don't feel compelled to do.

My girls had a great play date but it made me realise the Mums aren't 'my tribe'. I moved to area just over a year ago, hubby's home town, and I have tried for a year to create friendships with this group (his friends wives) and it's just not happening. I think having lived out of the area for so many years we are just not in the group anymore.
I feel for my husband as these are his school friends and he is a bit baffled why we are never invited and is hurt that very few have called him. Particularly when he is the guy who will help you in a moment if you need. I feel for my girls too as they get along so well with their kids and seem well liked.
Anyway, I realised we don't have the level of friendship that they probably feel like they need or can help in anyway. As long as I can get an occasional play date for my girls that will be great :)
I am so grateful for my MIL, she is here everyday. Cleans the house, does the dishes and laundry, pops to the shops when she sees we need stuff, even turned up yesterday with some lovely flannelette pjs for me. And she always comes prepared with craft and games for the girls. I've decided I'm going to put my energy into organising a big party for her for her 70th to say thank you. Put the energy out that I wish was coming in :)
fairydust
Member
9 years ago
Hey Lillian dont you just love this site. We are often told when something happens well .....what did you do or say....it must be your fault Why? I now feel better reading other ladies accounts of what happened to them. It is not their fault. Some people could act a whole lot better than they have. I will now go and cuddle my dog who has never let me down
Anonymous
9 years ago
Hey Lillian, lots of folk don't know what to say or do, so they avoid things altogether. It's cruel and unkind, however it is their problem, not yours. You are much better off to have people around you who are genuine and true. Put that lipstick on every day, hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong. Cuddles, Trace
Share
Member
9 years ago
Hi there @Lillan67 - whether you were having a moment or not - you are allowed to - give yourself permission and you don't even need an excuse.
Some days are easier than others and some days you feel so overwhelmed by the smallest thing and other days you can climb mountains (depending on how bad those bony mets are, right ?).
As all our lovely ladies have shared we have had similar experiences.
Friends/family that we think that we can rely on seem to vanish and yet others are a bright, beautiful ray of sunshine in our lives who make us and our families feel important.
I have often quoted this on the forum "If people all of a sudden can't cope with your diagnosis; become strangers; disappear into thin air; send random or no messages at all - that is their problem and don't make it yours". You and your family have enough to deal with (and being like most Mum's you want to be able to feel as though you are contributing to the house when normally you just do stuff on auto pilot !).
@Fairydust - have you secretly become part of my husband's family ? Since my diagnosis 18 months ago with secondary bc, my in-laws (parents) have come to Sydney once (they live 3 1/2 hours away) and that was for a specialists appointment in Sydney. My brother-in-law has also been to Sydney several times during that period - doing stuff with his kids; taking them to Luna Park; beach - not once has he called in to check if we will be home). He has my mobile # - he sends me photo's of his kids - not once as he just sent a text - "How are you doing?". Or simply for my in-laws to give my husband the support he desperately needs. It is heartbreaking for me to see that my wonderful husband receives more support from our fabulous friends than his own flesh and blood.
Lillian - I hope the girls play date goes well and sets up some ongoing contact for you and your family and the support you all need and deserve.
Big hugs to you, Sheryl xxx
Cate64
Member
9 years ago
My sister found a reason to not speak to me, last time she did was 2 days after my second Chemo & it was Xmas eve when I called around to say Merry Xmas & drop of some presents, was the first time I had seen her since my diagnosis.. When I called he a couple of weeks after Xmas to catch up I was met with a very cool voice who said "do you not remember what you said to me?"... I had no idea what she was on about BUT apparently, I implied she wasn't welcome at my house because she doesn't like my dog.?? & no, she has not spoken to me since except a short hello in June when my father passed on & I saw her at his funeral.
Cosette
Member
9 years ago
Hi @Lillian67. We have a couple of resources that might be helpful.

We have a booklet called Helping a friend or colleague with breast cancer. You can download it here or order a hard copy. It's free. Perhaps you can share these with the people around you.

Last December, our members created 31 acts of kindness for supporting someone with breast cancer. It's a PDF that you can download, but I've turned it into an image for you that can you share on your Facebook if you want to. It's attached.
primek
Member
9 years ago
@Brenda5 ...yup I get the like button a lot to from family. I often wondered what there was to like.
Brenda5
Member
9 years ago
Nup its not your fault. Goodness me, I did daily updates of my chemo treatment and all some of my family put was 'like' yet acquaintances and friends on my face book put very inspiring comments. I did sort of wonder if I had died would those family 'likers' even bother attending my funeral lol. Stick to this forum and you can't go wrong. <3