I was really thrilled to finish chemo and feeling upbeat. I've been referred to a different radiation oncology place and am having my appointment this afternoon. I already did my CT planning and tattoos at my 'home' hospital. It is just less of a drive to attend the new place. I'm not anxious about the new place but have been virtually bedridden since my last chemo, three weeks before Xmas. The place is a mess and I have no motivation. Feeling depressed and weepy and just wasting my life watching netflix, staying up late and sleeping late, waking up anxious. I thought I would be running around with a new lease on life...using this time to celebrate being alive and getting thus far, from surgery to chemo to rad. Now I suddenly feel depressed for the first time in treatment...there's a big 'what now?' sign hanging over my head. I know people go on to do some life changing and wonderful things post cancer. That was my intention. Now I feel like I just had my tonsils out and am going back to school next week. Is this a weird fear of treatment ending and me actually having to do something with my life? Sort of like Stockholm Syndrome? I feel like I am failing at my second chance at life and not a credit to the wonderful ladies on here who have struggled through a lot worse than me and are doing something positive with their new lives. Did anyone else feel this void? Thank you.

Hi @viking1, I didn't experience this type of feeling but I believe others have and it may be a sort of delayed reaction. You concentrate hard on getting through chemo, and even if it is really unpleasant you feel you are doing something positive and constructive. Getting through it is a real achievement and you feel elated. Then you have to prepare for another round of treatment with different hurdles and challenges and your mind just goes Sheeesh! Post treatment blues is not uncommon either, for much the same reasons. Depression is a real risk through all this. You are probably just having a reaction and will get back to normal during your next round of treatment. But if you don't , seek help. Most of us need a bit of boot camp during all this. BCNA can help, your day oncology possibly can too. Don't be so hard on yourself - you're not failing at anything, just belatedly catching up with a lot of feelings and mental fatigue that you have studiously avoided up to now. Take care.

Hi @viking1, I know exactly how you feel. I described the feeling of radiotherapy as being a bit like working overtime at a job you don’t want. I felt quite low and questioned my decision to have chemo, as it had consumed so much of my energy. It took me a while to feel my old self. You have done a great job to finish chemo and you’re almost there. You will feel better, promise. It’s just a really long haul. Let people know how you’re feeling and surround you with the love and support you need. If it makes you feel any better, my counsellor recommended mindless, or fun activities like watching Netflix to take my mind off things. All the best. x

Hi @viking1,You are in no way a failure. Getting through this stuff without going batty is an achievment in itself, You need down time to process what's just happened to you and get ready for the next phase. I didn't really get the problem until after rads finished. When life returned to normal and all the mundane everyday things continued, I did get a big "what the hell now."voice in my head. I think we spend so much energy just getting to the next goal post during treatment that when its done you feel a little lost. You know like surely I am meant to do something bigger, better, different with my life after that. Some people do and some don't. It does pass and I try to have more appreciation for the fact that my life has actually gone back to normal (well pretty close anyway). I just take a little more time to appreciate the moments these days and don't sweat the small stuff. Keep talking to everyone here and don't be afraid to ask for help from a professional if you need to. In the meantime Netflix, wine and TimTams are perfectly acceptable. XOXO

Hey @viking1, how about you stop beating yourself up - that would be a good start!! I didn't have chemo or radiotherapy but I'm sure the ladies who have will be on here to support you. I do know however, that once the hectic range of treatment, and appointments starts to slow down, that is when everything will start to hit you. You then realise what you have been going through, how much effort it takes to just survive. And as for failing your second chance at life - OMG!!!!! how about you take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back for doing so brilliantly. You lovely lady have plenty of time to conquer the world, write a best selling novel, do something positive. In fact the most positive thing you could be doing at the moment is looking after you and if that means binge watching netflix then go for it and if you need to have a good bawl then go for that too!! Nothing wrong with having a good heart wrenching sob - cause that too is a de-stress!!! Sending you a big hug. Xx

@viking1, I'm hearing you on lack of family support. This shit is hard to get through. Having anxiety and depression prior to all this bullshit can make it seem tougher, I suffer with it too. Just tonight I had a good sob in my room as I just feel spent of everything. I feel the black cloud looming over me and so badly miss my mum too. Congratulations on finished chemo. I hope you find radiation much easier. I'm thinking of you. <3 Lisa xo

The void between chemo and radiation ... why do I feel so blah?

12 Replies

June1952
Member
8 years ago
hI @viking1
"We're a bit like a huge patchwork quilt of different coloured or patterned shapes. Everyone experiences things differently but there are those connections out there". That is a great description and how true that is. I must remember your words.
viking1
Member
8 years ago
@LMK74 I'm so sorry to hear that, girlfriend. Thank god (or BCNA!) for being here for support. Sometimes I've found even just telling you guys what I'm feeling gives me some relief. We're a bit like a huge patchwork quilt of different coloured or patterned shapes. Everyone experiences things differently but there are those connections out there. I also would find it interesting when I told my chemo onc of a side effect and she'd say 'never heard of that one'. Then I would ask on here and heaps of ppl would say they had it. Which made me feel better in that I wasn't imagining something or just plain weird. One chemo nurse said for all her 20 years on the floor, she often saw a disconnect between 'the ivory tower' and the day ward. Would be great if there was more communication between the two. Well, that went way off topic! Thinking of you Lisa. Feel free to PM me any time if you want to let your hair down in private! At this point in time I have no eyelashes, two hairs where my eyebrows were and peach fuzz. Nothing to let down! Hair is actually falling out again since docetaxel 3 rounds. It was growing back after first three of FEC. Least of my worries but certainly looks horrible if you cry...worse than Kim K lol
LMK74
Member
8 years ago
@viking1, I'm hearing you on lack of family support. This shit is hard to get through. Having anxiety and depression prior to all this bullshit can make it seem tougher, I suffer with it too. Just tonight I had a good sob in my room as I just feel spent of everything. I feel the black cloud looming over me and so badly miss my mum too. Congratulations on finished chemo. I hope you find radiation much easier. I'm thinking of you. <3
Lisa xo
viking1
Member
8 years ago
Thanks Socoda xxx Slept late today and felt a bit better. ❤
socoda
Member
8 years ago
@viking1, perhaps if you need to, contact Bcna and speak to the nurses while your psych is away 1800500258 or cancer council 131120. We are always here for you too. I know that seeing your psych who your used to can't be replaced but in the interim could be an additional help. Xx
viking1
Member
8 years ago
2am Perth time ergh...thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I can really relate to them. My meeting with the radiation oncologist went very well, I am keen to start. Woke up weepy and had a sob tonight. My psych doesn't get back from hols till the 11/1. I suppose having anxiety and depression prior to this all doesn't help but haven't felt the depression badly until now. My good girlfriends are in the country so I miss their support but they do check in on me regularly. My extended family I live with (I am upstairs in a self contained granny flat) don't want any part of Cancer so I haven't been in an ideal family environment. Eg. not one has even asked how I am since June. I don't want a fanfare but some human empathy would be nice. They think my treatments will kill me anyway and I should be using alternative medicine. 77 year old dad reads my cancer paraphenalia and will chat about things but, bless him, it's not like having a mum's care. I do miss her. Many friends on my facebook 'blog' have said how positive I've been and used humour to get through. But I seem to have hit the wall. xxx
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
@viking1

Girl, I hit the wall after chemo and then had rads to do.... when I finished rads I retreated into myself..... it took me time to process the whole roller coaster ride I had been put on without asking for it. I see a psychologist and she has been helping me process the whole thing... I took time away from the online forum as I was no use to anyone as I couldn't even explain how i was feeling myself. my numbing and coping was jigsaw puzzles.... it will get better i promise.

be gentle on yourself.
we often need time to heal both emotionally and physically from the onslaught of treatments.

come and rant here anytime we get it and remember you are breathing so it is one step in front of the other....
hugs
Soldier crab
Payne
Member
8 years ago
Hi @viking1, I felt exactly the same after last chemo. I felt bitterly disappointed when after three weeks (my chemo cycle was 3 weekly) I wasn't feeling great. I had organised for family from WA to visit, thinking I would be OK but alas I spent much of the time going back to bed or lying on couch and not being able to join in celebrations. In hindsight, I think I only felt better at the end of the 3 weeks was because I took steroids in preparation for the next cycle. Then the radiation starts and the fatigue continues. Don't be too hard on yourself. The good news is that it does pass. Im now 7 months post treatment and almost back to normal self.
kezmusc
Member
8 years ago
Hi @viking1,

You are in no way a failure. Getting through this stuff without going batty is an achievment in itself, You need down time to process what's just happened to you and get ready for the next phase.

I didn't really get the problem until after rads finished. When life returned to normal and all the mundane everyday things continued, I did get a big "what the hell now."voice in my head.
I think we spend so much energy just getting to the next goal post during treatment that when its done you feel a little lost. You know like surely I am meant to do something bigger, better, different with my life after that. Some people do and some don't. It does pass and I try to have more appreciation for the fact that my life has actually gone back to normal (well pretty close anyway). I just take a little more time to appreciate the moments these days and don't sweat the small stuff. Keep talking to everyone here and don't be afraid to ask for help from a professional if you need to. In the meantime Netflix, wine and TimTams are perfectly acceptable.
XOXO
Anonymous
Not applicable
8 years ago
Hi @viking1, I know exactly how you feel. I described the feeling of radiotherapy as being a bit like working overtime at a job you don’t want. I felt quite low and questioned my decision to have chemo, as it had consumed so much of my energy.

It took me a while to feel my old self. You have done a great job to finish chemo and you’re almost there. You will feel better, promise. It’s just a really long haul. Let people know how you’re feeling and surround you with the love and support you need. If it makes you feel any better, my counsellor recommended mindless, or fun activities like watching Netflix to take my mind off things. All the best. x