The last illusion of control dissolves

So many replies, and I'm so thankful that each of you have chimed in. Rather than flood your inboxes with the endless notifications, here is just the one response post, now that I'm finally getting back to it.

Jackie,
Thank you. You're right. It is unfair, and we are resilient. I feel like starting to cross stitch and sewing that up as a motto to remember. While everything stops, it leaves more room to start.

Rowdy,
It was a challenge to even get an interview when I had no obstacles whatsoever. I'd love to work now - in a way with this book I've created my own. I have an appointment set up with a mental health consultant at the hospital my team work through. Just a matter of waiting until then. Thank you for mentioning it, it's an important step.

Dawn,
It just happened that, of the four units I'd be taking this semester, the only one available to be taken externally was also the most content heavy. Looking at the content, I'm not sure how I'm going to juggle this particular unit with others when in full health without distractions (...With a fierce stubbornness I imagine. Hahaha).
It wasn't that she didn't think I could do it, it's that she thought it was going to do me more damage than good to try. Just this once I think I have to let myself "be sick" and take on the advice.

I really admire your strength Dawn, you sound like a force to be reckoned with!

Christine,
Hahaha Thank you for leaping to my side! But she was genuinely concerned with my well-being (also see above), and I hope it's never her turn.
That's just what my first oncologist said, "Hopefully, by next year this will all just feel like it was a bad dream".
Oh my gosh, on that shedding the selfish people note, doesn't it just weed out the drama leeches too! Amazing who pops in suddenly wanting to know me better! That wouldn't be so they can gossip some "My friend with cancer" stories to make themselves interesting would it *rolls eyes*. Boo to that!

Tracy,
They have! And, selfish as it is, it's relieving and comforting to see all these responses that can relate.
I'll most definitely continue my studies - I won't drop out of university, I'll just be taking the semester off. It's just another year to tack on to the end. And that's okay. But as I was saying in my embarrassingly teen-angsty post earlier, it's the "just" I'm dealing with because it's time ... it's more time, something none of us can really take for granted anymore.

Oh dude, hahahaha! Sorry, that was so insane it was funny, Facebook brings out the crazies about anything and they only multiply. Bans are a good call.
Yeah, I'll just have to channel the energy into something "real", find a way to feel productive and worthwhile.
Thank you <3

Brenda,
:( *hug*. When someone else is saying it I can see how silly it is. Even existentially, if everything is for nothing then it stands to the same logic that the nothing is everything.

Bep,
Oh no! I should really think a little harder before posting; having my crybaby words affect anyone like that makes none of it worthwhile. You're so strong. Thank you so much. <3

Maryrose,
I'm finding the "war" on cancer is going around me and inside me without my actual involvment, there seems to be very little "fighting" I can do apart from show up to appointmnents and not complain, haha! It's something I've seen a few express, the feeling of being detached from the situation and just being passed around. I don't want a million things in my day, just a couple. I've found something to focus on but still have that rug pulled from under me feeling. You know?

Jackie G,
Good grief, that's more than enough challenge for anyone. I have no idea how you cope, I'm left inspired and amazed. "You will get back to your dreams" can go on my motto wall too. Thank you.

Karen,
That is absolutely fantastic! I love it, and may have to do that myself! I was only in orientation today, looking around the beautiful facility but all the glum, bored, some angry faces in their lonely compartments. I was aching to do something. The thought is going to power me through making this book and actually get it out to patients. You are awesome xoxo

Thank you again to each and every one of you. It's so relieving to just have a place to talk, and to have people around who can really relate to these emotional experiences. Your responses really meant a lot to me.

Rebecca

What a wonderful kind person you are. That was so thoughtful to do for others as you go through the chemo yourself! 

Hi Inkpetal,

Like you, I needed a purpose. At my chemo orientation (chemo kindy) I was taken through the day oncology ward. No one was smiling or talking. I decided to do something about it. My chemo buddies  and I wore something silly in our hair (or in my case on my bald head). My friend made morning teas for everyone in the day oncology ward every 3 weeks for 16 months and as soon as I was hooked up, we went and spoke to all the other patients.   We laughed and joked with people, commiserated with them when they were struggling, held their hands if they were alone and scared. We had many, many people thank us for making their treatment a little easier. We made some wonderful friends who we are still in contact with and we tried to turn a crappy situation into something more positive for not only us but the others around us. It is never too late to do something worthwhile with your life. It may not necessarily be the major things that you planned to do but they still matter. Even now treatment for me is finished, if I have an appointment at the hospital, I still do a morning tea for everyone in day oncology and go and have a chat to everyone. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will find your purpose and you will start to realise that your life hasn't been wasted. Your smile, friendship and love will have been everything to someone. Your posts and feedback on here will have meant the world to someone.  You may not have control of your life but really do any of us? I don't believe so. Or maybe to a certain extent we do but certainly not entirely. I hate what bc takes from us, I hate how it changes our lives and our goals. But it teaches us and makes us more aware of life. I wish there was something I could do to ease your frustration but unfortunately it is something we all must work through. As always, take things one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Karen xox

My heart goes out to you Inkpetal.

Bad shit happens to good people often and it is absolutely not fair! How much can one person be expected to cope with.  

This is what I found myself saying and still do sometimes.  I'm self employed and was due to take on a new client when I was diagnosed. I decided it was irresponsible to take on new/extra work when I might end up letting them and my existing clients down. A lost opportunity there. Along with that my husband has been out of work for more than 3 years due to a work injury and now it's looking like he may need further surgery (he's already had two surgeries for nerve damage in his neck). Just to complicate the issue he has Rheumatoid Arthritis which has been debilitating for nearly 18 years now.  Our youngest son has Aspbergers and is really struggling doing year 12 this year and I feel too sick and fed up and tired with chemo to help any of them.

I hear you!  Enough! No more crap in our lives please!!  

Hang in there, you will get back to your dreams

Jackie xo

Hey there. 

Unfortunately shit happens in life and you just gotta pick yourself up and get on with getting better. Try not to spend too much time thinking about all the crap but rather how you can tackle this challenge in your life head on. You will feel so much stronger when its all over. Yeah it sucks i speak from experience but i have fought the war against bc and won. I have also made some wonderful friends i wouldn't have met otherwise. I used to be pulling my hair out (no pun intended) trying to fit a million things into my day. Now i take time out for me i literally stop and smell the roses. I know you dont think it now but good things will come.

Take it one day at a time and big hugs from me.?? 

Maryrose 

Focus your energies on getting better and

Sweetheart , 

you made me cry ! I don't cry easily and I'm the strong one in the family . Lovely wishes from all the wonderful ladies on this website and they mean it. It's only temporarily , gather yourself and go for whatever you want to do - please yourself. I've had breast cancer twice now and I'm still here , don't give up. I got married at 32 and had my first child at 33, there's always time for future relashionships, friends and who knows what around the corner . Trite but true.  Do you art and have fun . Reading your blog I thought you had a way with words - first thought was your a writer . Try that - write a diary of every day . Do small pleasures each day, give yourself a treat even if it's just a walk outside in the park. Your entitled to grieve and yell at the unfairness of it all , for the life you thought you'd have , not the cancer and all the setbacks. Please , give yourself permission to cry and go out and soar! All the happiness in the world to you ?????? Bep xx

Hang in there. I have had thoughts my whole life has been for nothing as well but truthfully I think its just what this stupid cancer and treatment does in your brain. Don't take it as truth because its not. Hugz. xxxxx

InkPetal...

Your words ring true for all of us! Our dreams have been invaded by this monster and put to a halt....But it's only TEMPORARY!

I am as guilty as the next person for having these thoughts and feelings too, I had plans for this year and next, but they will still be there at the end of treatment!

You can continue your studies, that's your choice and you may well cope with the load of studying, but see the advice as your teacher releasing you of another "disappointment" if you can't ????

You must also balance your energies...I am very spiritual and a big believer in the law of attraction......on that subject I had to ban a woman on my page for accusing me of saying that she asked for her son to be murdered!..a slurry of abuse followed and that included that I was going to die crying!.....O.o

Although I tried, I couldn't be bothered explaining to her that is not what it means....yes, life throws us unexpected, tragic and confusing events,( I've had more than my fair share!) but the whole meaning (I.M.O) of life is to find our life's purpose....and we all do find it! .I have found mine finally and I am 49!

Maybe this "distraction" is to make you really 'see" why you are on this Earth.....your studies will be there next year, that dream holiday will be there, your dreams will still be! You've just taken a detour......

Put all of that "energy" into making your colouring book a success, become and Ambassador for the Cancer Council! Use this time to your advantage...

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion.......the tunnel is

Wishing you all the very best

-Tracy

Xx

Whoa. Big whoa. Who is the lecturer to tell you you won't cope with one unit? How does she know?

perhaps call her back and say you at least want to give it a go.

i don't know how long your chemo treatment runs for, but mine was for four months.

I am not superwoman. But I run a small business. And I had to fight for it to survive as much as I had to fight for me to survive after diagnosis.

As soon as I awoke from surgery for a mastectomy I asked for my phone so I could check in with staff n a project going ahead that day without me. 

A week week later I was back on the job and put in a 20 hour day with my clients none the wiser. and I actually felt great.

I organised my chemo to happen on Friday so I could have a long weekend and be back at work tuesday.

The morning after my first chemo I was swimming laps in an ocean pool.

The fatigue of chemo is cumulative so it does start to get wearing as the months go on but I worked a full time job x 5 (the joys of small business) through the whole treatment period.

Diagnosis was three and a half years ago. I haven't stopped since.

I'm not going to lie to you. There's all sorts of challenges and fears and doubts you'll probably wrestle with in the months to come, but it's doable, and if going to uni is this important to you how dare someone say you can't try?

Taking a year off would have been lovely in some ways. But it just wasn't an option for me.

I would have ended up bankrupt, unemployed as well as one boobed and hairless! ??????

you do what feels right for you.  If it is too hard you drop out. Thousands have before you for much less honourable reasons.

thinking of you.

I read your post last night and I didn't know what to say. I remember that feeling of what the f... is happening. I'm a bit older than you and my issue was that I'm at a time of my life that it is time to enjoy life more and do the things I want to. When I was going through chemo I worked, I look back now and don't know how I did it. I worked because I needed something else to think about because bc was taking over my life. It is a tough trip maybe it would help to talk to someone professionally ( you can also call the cancer council) I have and it has helped. I was able to talk about all the things you can't say to your families.

Take care one day at a time, we are all here for you