The last illusion of control dissolves

So many replies, and I'm so thankful that each of you have chimed in. Rather than flood your inboxes with the endless notifications, here is just the one response post, now that I'm finally getting back to it.

Jackie,
Thank you. You're right. It is unfair, and we are resilient. I feel like starting to cross stitch and sewing that up as a motto to remember. While everything stops, it leaves more room to start.

Rowdy,
It was a challenge to even get an interview when I had no obstacles whatsoever. I'd love to work now - in a way with this book I've created my own. I have an appointment set up with a mental health consultant at the hospital my team work through. Just a matter of waiting until then. Thank you for mentioning it, it's an important step.

Dawn,
It just happened that, of the four units I'd be taking this semester, the only one available to be taken externally was also the most content heavy. Looking at the content, I'm not sure how I'm going to juggle this particular unit with others when in full health without distractions (...With a fierce stubbornness I imagine. Hahaha).
It wasn't that she didn't think I could do it, it's that she thought it was going to do me more damage than good to try. Just this once I think I have to let myself "be sick" and take on the advice.

I really admire your strength Dawn, you sound like a force to be reckoned with!

Christine,
Hahaha Thank you for leaping to my side! But she was genuinely concerned with my well-being (also see above), and I hope it's never her turn.
That's just what my first oncologist said, "Hopefully, by next year this will all just feel like it was a bad dream".
Oh my gosh, on that shedding the selfish people note, doesn't it just weed out the drama leeches too! Amazing who pops in suddenly wanting to know me better! That wouldn't be so they can gossip some "My friend with cancer" stories to make themselves interesting would it *rolls eyes*. Boo to that!

Tracy,
They have! And, selfish as it is, it's relieving and comforting to see all these responses that can relate.
I'll most definitely continue my studies - I won't drop out of university, I'll just be taking the semester off. It's just another year to tack on to the end. And that's okay. But as I was saying in my embarrassingly teen-angsty post earlier, it's the "just" I'm dealing with because it's time ... it's more time, something none of us can really take for granted anymore.

Oh dude, hahahaha! Sorry, that was so insane it was funny, Facebook brings out the crazies about anything and they only multiply. Bans are a good call.
Yeah, I'll just have to channel the energy into something "real", find a way to feel productive and worthwhile.
Thank you <3

Brenda,
:( *hug*. When someone else is saying it I can see how silly it is. Even existentially, if everything is for nothing then it stands to the same logic that the nothing is everything.

Bep,
Oh no! I should really think a little harder before posting; having my crybaby words affect anyone like that makes none of it worthwhile. You're so strong. Thank you so much. <3

Maryrose,
I'm finding the "war" on cancer is going around me and inside me without my actual involvment, there seems to be very little "fighting" I can do apart from show up to appointmnents and not complain, haha! It's something I've seen a few express, the feeling of being detached from the situation and just being passed around. I don't want a million things in my day, just a couple. I've found something to focus on but still have that rug pulled from under me feeling. You know?

Jackie G,
Good grief, that's more than enough challenge for anyone. I have no idea how you cope, I'm left inspired and amazed. "You will get back to your dreams" can go on my motto wall too. Thank you.

Karen,
That is absolutely fantastic! I love it, and may have to do that myself! I was only in orientation today, looking around the beautiful facility but all the glum, bored, some angry faces in their lonely compartments. I was aching to do something. The thought is going to power me through making this book and actually get it out to patients. You are awesome xoxo

Thank you again to each and every one of you. It's so relieving to just have a place to talk, and to have people around who can really relate to these emotional experiences. Your responses really meant a lot to me.

Rebecca