TERRIFIED of Treatment

Dear @KMAC46. The ladies here have all been so supportive and trying to help you but it seems to me that you really do not want that sort of help and someone needs to take a different approach. Sorry to be sounding mean but really, you do have to get a grip somehow and learn to take a more positive view of things. All the ladies have been where you are at, in varying stages of panic, but we've all got through it by yes, taking it one step at a time and not thinking too far ahead. You need to get to your psychiatrist ASAP and get some assistance with your feelings or it will drag you down even further. Get off this site and anywhere else providing the woe is me support as you need to be taught to help yourself. It has happened and the treatment has to happen and you are not the first one to feel as you do. Has your partner read your post ? Perhaps that would be a good idea.  Come on girl, pull up your big girl panties that say I am positive. I have a history of depression and anxiety and am alone in the world with no children and having lost my husband just prior - I got through it.  All the best. Anne

Before I had cancer, I had a tendency to ‘catastrophise’ - imagine the worst that might happen if anything went wrong. Treatment pretty well cured me of that - I learned not to waste my energy on things that might never happen, so I had more energy to deal with the things that did happen! And when I did deal with them, I realised that I could handle a lot more stuff than I knew before. Cancer made me a lot more calm - yes, it’s a ridiculous way to learn that lesson but it is what it is! 

Unable to get along with the Oncologist is the exception not the rule. Those in that predicament take control and move on to another Oncologist.
The majority settle into the visits. You used the word trust before. Trust in your team!
Have you had the conversation about %?  Mine was only 3% so I asked what was an alternative.  My Onc was happy with that. He did say if it was 7 or 8% he would strongly encourage chemo.
Best wishes and take care

@kezmusc I know it wasn’t your intention I’m just really struggling and have been thinking why am I even doing this treatment when all it’s going to do is make me feel like crap and possibly cause other serious health issues I know the serious issues are rare but I am the sort of person who worries about everything so if it’s possible I’m going to worry about it

please don’t feel bad we are all in this together and everyone has a right to voice their concerns and feelings

It was not my intention at all to make you feel worse of course. I didn't sack anybody out of questioning ther expertise.  It was purely for lack of compassion and understanding at a time when you need it most. 
xoxo

@kezmusc thanks for your messsge but it doesn’t make me feel any better that you sacked two oncologist in fact it makes me feel worse now I’m just questioning the oncologist as he is quite clinical my head was saying trust him he is the specialist now I’m just more confused I know that’s not what you meant to do you were just saying I have a choice.

Hi @KMAC46,

Welcome to the forum lovely.  I've been away for a couple of days (a truly rare event) so have only just read your post.

Truly sux to be here but as you can already see there are so many wonderful people with so much warmth and support available.
There's probably not much more I can add that hasn't been said.  Yes, the fear is real and normal and the range of emotions is indescribable to anyone who hasn't felt it. Not that that makes it any easier to deal with at the beginning. No matter how long doctors have worked in the medical field and how many patients the've treated.....they don't and won't ever get the full story unless they end up on this side of the table. I

I think one of the hardest things is that feeling of just being swept along like cattle through the dip feeling like you have no control and you just have to do what you're told.
You do!  This is your show, you make the rules. You have to do what's best for you.
 Don't want a port.  Don't have one.  I chose not too because I just didn't want a daily reminder of what was going on.  I said no to the neulasta injection after the first one.  You can say no.
Two of my work collegues have been diagnosed over the last year.  One opted for surgery only as chemo was only a two-three percent benefit and the other lady opted for the whole shebang.  Both triple neg and similar diagnoses.  It's very individual.
Your team will be recommending their best course of action for a non return of the beast but ultimately it's your decision.  No body can strap you to the table and force anything on you.  In some ways deciding for yourself can be the most confusing part and trusting your own instincts is sometimes near impossible.

The chemo appointment is probably more daunting than the rest of them.  I remember walking out of that one and collapsing in a blubbering mess on the floor in the middle of the oncology department.  Once I got my shit together I sacked the oncologist for just being a heartless condescending bitch.'
Number two oncologist was far better even though I sacked him down the track anyhoo. 
As it turned out most of the nasty things on the list of possible side effects did not happen.  I worked for the most part, never got sick (I work in a public hospital), kept my hair and pretty much did everything I normally did.  Gave up all the do's and don'ts after a month or so when nothing went drastically wrong and tried to continue as normally as possible. There were some crap days amongst it but a lot more that weren't.

There's no right or wrong way to deal with this thing.  For the most part its just and hour by hour, day by day muddle through as best you can.  Personally, I found being flat out busy was the best way to not think too hard.

All the best sweets.  Every body is here for you should you need us.  xoxoxoxoxoxo

@Abbydog

With regard to adding a photo - here's a link that helps to navigate the online forum

Best wishes

https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/19190/navigating-the-online-community#latest

Dear KMAC46,
I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time with anxiety.
I don't have any constructive advice to help with that, I wish I did.
Rebbeccamarie sounds like she really understands.
The others have all had some good advice.
Regarding the port. I love mine. It took a little to get used to. I'd send a photo if I knew how.
The port shows as a round slightly raised lump. Not visible with most necklines.
The procedure was relatively simple, with a light anaesthetic.
I've had a mastectomy with axillary clearance. I was advised not to use the arm on that side, for BP's, injections etc.
I don't have great viens in my other side. Therefore few choices for viens. Hence, the decision to have an Infusaport for me 
was easy. They also take my bloods from this  port prior to Chemo.
So the procedure for Chemo.
At home I put Emla cream over my port site, to numb the skin.
I check in. Then one of the nurses accesses my port. Which means she puts the needle into the port. A short piece of tubing is already attached. From that blood is taken, before every Chemo session. For me, I then go out of the Chemo suite and see my Oncologist soon after. Each time I see him, he reviews my bloods, and discuss any issues I'm having.
I then go back to my Chemo chair, and the nurse connects my tubing, and Chemo is given.
After Chemo, my port is flushed with saline and Heparin. Then time to go home, with nothing more than a small piece of tape over the port. I take that off a few hours later. I can shower normally, nothing is attached.
I'm using the Cold Cap ( to keep my hair) which adds 1 1/2 hrs on top. That is more time spent at Chemo. 
I'm in SA, at a private Hospital.
Before I started Chemo, I was given an education session. This was very helpful.
Explaining the issues re Chemo, possible side effects, and a little on how to cope.  Showed me inside the Chemo suite.
It did help to prepare me. 
For you and the port. It is your decision. 
Are you allowed to use both arms for needles?
If so that is great. And you may have great viens. If this is so, you may manage without a port.
I hope this is helpful, regarding the port.
Did your Doctor look at your  arms and viens?
I too started Chemo as COVID peaked, I'm still not allowed to have anyone in the Chemo suite with me.
I don't know if other places in SA, still have this rule. I still have 4 Paclitaxel sessions to go.
I truly wish you, all the best. Maybe after your first treatment, it will seem easier. Get that one behind you first.
Try not to worry about too much about side effects. Everyone has a different experience. 
The side effects that I have had, have been quite manageable, not debilitating. I've been 'lucky.'
Keep in touch. Let us know how you get on.
We all care and are interested in your progress. 

@KMAC46 and @rebeccamarie
My heart goes out to both of you. And everyone else who is struggling with any aspect of their treatment.
Everyone copes, or doesn't cope,  in their own way. I've been on and off the breast cancer bus since 2006. I've had some time to adapt, but I don't think I will ever adjust to it.
Being the cranky big bitch that I am, I cope by dreaming of throat punching anyone I think is fucking me around. Or gets in my way. Parks their car crooked next to me. Fake smiles me... The list of transgressions deserving my wrath is endless. Charming, hey?
Thing is, we all find our way of bearing the unbearable stress. I think most of us revert to what ever has worked for us before. Cry, or yell. Do the silent thing. Circle the wagons or tell everyone to get lost. Feeling vulnerable and out of control is totally normal and I don't think anyone goes through this without moments of internal panic and despair. Some of us hide it better, but it's there none the less. Mxx