I’m not sure I can convey in writing how terrified I am I’m not sure there is a word to describe it the worry I feel is debilitating, I already suffer from anxiety and this is just exasperating it, i was diagnosed about a month ago and have had a Lumpectomy with good results margins were clear and lymph nodes were clear, my cancer is triple negative and they are still wanting me to have chemo and radiation. The plan is 12 weekly doses of chemo then about 15-20 treatments of radiation along with Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. I am supposed to go to Hospital on Tuesday for Echocardiogram, Port Insertion and my first chemo. Everday for the last two weeks I have woken up at 6am in what I think is a panic attack I have tingles all over my body and shaking and I don’t want to get out of bed I’m at a point where I don’t think I’m going to be able to get myself to the hospital on Tuesday, and on top of all this I live in Melbourne so we have COVID to deal with which means no one can come to hospital with me I have to do this alone.I am terrified of having the port put in and the thought of it being in my body for so long is terrifying to me I am also completely terrified of the chemo and all the worry it will cause me between treatments having to monitor temperature etc etc will be so stressful for me.I have tried conveying this to various people (Doctors, Family, Psycologist) and all they say is you have to do this and take one step at a time, I feel like no one is really grasping how terrified I am and no one is helping me with the mental side of this, am I the only one that feels this way please HELP me as I don’t think I can mentally survive this and am seriously considering not going on Tuesday.

Before I had cancer, I had a tendency to ‘catastrophise’ - imagine the worst that might happen if anything went wrong. Treatment pretty well cured me of that - I learned not to waste my energy on things that might never happen, so I had more energy to deal with the things that did happen! And when I did deal with them, I realised that I could handle a lot more stuff than I knew before. Cancer made me a lot more calm - yes, it’s a ridiculous way to learn that lesson but it is what it is!

Dear @KMAC46...I too hope that all went as well as could be anticipated for you today. You've been in my mind and have reminded me of just how far I am today, from the scared shitless woman I was four years ago facing my first chemo. We've got your back. I posted this a while back on another thread, but I think it's germain.

@KMAC46 and @rebeccamarie My heart goes out to both of you. And everyone else who is struggling with any aspect of their treatment.Everyone copes, or doesn't cope, in their own way. I've been on and off the breast cancer bus since 2006. I've had some time to adapt, but I don't think I will ever adjust to it.Being the cranky big bitch that I am, I cope by dreaming of throat punching anyone I think is fucking me around. Or gets in my way. Parks their car crooked next to me. Fake smiles me... The list of transgressions deserving my wrath is endless. Charming, hey? Thing is, we all find our way of bearing the unbearable stress. I think most of us revert to what ever has worked for us before. Cry, or yell. Do the silent thing. Circle the wagons or tell everyone to get lost. Feeling vulnerable and out of control is totally normal and I don't think anyone goes through this without moments of internal panic and despair. Some of us hide it better, but it's there none the less. Mxx

There will be no greater help than seeking one on one assistance from a counselor or psychologist. I work in this field with addiction and I'm a 6 and a bit year survivor of an aggressive BC diagnosis and when I wanted to stop treatment I had to seek professional help because I wouldn't be here without my port, the chemo, the radiation, the surgery and the 6 years of hormone medication ... Yes it's bloody hard and it makes you question everything you know or believe in as a human being but sometime we are too emotional and entwined in our anxiety/predictions/outcomes/feelings of uncertainty/unhelpful thinking habits and so we need a professional with the skills to be able to objectively help us make sense and cope as best we can

OK really big breath! As you suffer from anxiety, you know that worry breeds worry so time to try and notch things down a little. First of all, you are not alone in your fear but virtually all of those who have experienced fear of treatment before you (that’s nearly all of us!) have managed through somehow. Not always elegantly, often with help, but we’ve done it.Two, take each aspect one by one. Do you need a port, has it been recommended? If you are not worried by needles, you don’t need to have one.Three, chemo is scary but reactions vary immensely and you don’t really know how it will affect you until after you start. For example, I only took my temperature a few times during 6 months of chemo - only when I thought I might have a temperature. Finally, the one thing you can be most certain of is the outcome of having no treatment! The purpose of treatment is to help you get rid of cancer, everything you do is to that good outcome. It’s exasperating if no-one can clearly hear your concerns, a counsellor experienced with cancer patients may be helpful, as are many oncology nurses you will meet. Can you take someone with you next week? A hand to hold helps a lot. Take care.

TERRIFIED of Treatment | BCNA Online Network

49 Replies

KMAC46
Member
6 years ago
Thanks @rebeccamarie I think you really do understand me thanks for reaching out it helps to know I’m not the only one who is really struggling I hope that everything goes really well for you xx
iserbrown
Member
6 years ago
@KMAC46

There are some posts on here that are a distraction. Hopefully they will help

https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/19116/friday-funnies#latest

This one has a multitude of crafts including poetry

https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14979/creative-corner#latest

Take care
primek
Member
6 years ago
Sometimes it helps to just think about something else. Are you currently confined? Are you able to go out for a coffee, go to the pictures, visit some family. Take a moment to engage with life today rather than thinking about the what ifs.
Anxiety is in incredibly uncomfortable to experience but episodes of panic will pass. Distraction techniques like engaging your mind in something else can be incredibly helpful and then relaxation techniques after will then often help.
Utilising phone apps such as "calm" "mineshift" or "smiling minds" that talk through body relaxation tools can help as it can be difficult to do it by yourself when feeling stressed.
Giovanna_BCNA
Member
6 years ago
Hello @KMAC46 sending you a private message cheers Giovanna
June1952
Member
6 years ago
@KMAC46 - I have sent you a private message - look at the top right of the screen near where you log out.
KMAC46
Member
6 years ago
Thanks @iserbrown I’m trying just nothing seems to work prior to this my anxiety was always manageable I would just read and take my mind away but that’s not working at the moment thanks so much for all the support xx
iserbrown
Member
6 years ago
@KMAC46
Dear oh dear! You have certainly got yourself into a spiral of anxiety. I am sorry you feel that way.
Before this diagnosis what worked for you when your anxiety comes to the forefront. Is that something you can draw on.
The day I was diagnosed, it was at Breastscreen, they had a Psychologist speak to me. She suggested that if I started to feel overwhelmed then start patting myself down, legs and arms and saying this is me which brings you into the now.
I found the biopsy process unpleasant probably as it all happened within an hour of diagnosis and no time to prepare mentally.
From what your opening comments say you have managed to get through diagnosis and surgery and you have clear margins.
You deserve a woo hoo, good on you!
Perhaps draw on that strength as this next phase of treatment starts.
Lots on here have experienced your regime of treatment.
We are here helping each other through.
Best wishes for Tuesday
Take care
KMAC46
Member
6 years ago
@Brenda5 I know what you are saying but everyone says take one day at a time and I don’t know how to do that I wish I could.

i am so terrified and I don’t think anyone is really listening to me when I say how terrified I am it’s debilitating and nothing is helping I’ve tried sedatives I’ve tried talking to a psycologist I’ve tried talking to the nurse I’ve tried talking to my GP I’ve tried breathing exercises I’ve tried ringing BCNA I’ve tried ringing beyond blue I’ve tried this online forum nothing works it’s just hopeless
Brenda5
Member
6 years ago
Just take it all day by day. To think further is too overwhelming so don't over think it all. You just have to survive ONE DAY. You can do it! <3
Dory65
Member
6 years ago
Best of luck @KMAC46,

Your feelings of anxiety and fear are normal and understandable. I've got a lovely, supportive GP who doesn't bat an eyelid when I suddenly burst into tears at my appointments. If your GP is not empathetic, can you find someone who is? This is a long journey and you need a good team around you. Six months in, I've finally made an appointment with a cancer counsellor, found through this site http://www.cancercounselling.com.au/?postcode=2261&page_id=11. I probably should have done so a lot sooner. I also take an antidepressant, which helps a lot. Maybe you could discuss that with your medical oncologist?

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TERRIFIED of Treatment

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