Saw my oncologist yesterday for the pre-chemo check-up. She started discussing Tamoxifen & Anastrozole with me. I've read up on them before and, while I know some people have no troubles with them, others have a lot. So until I start taking them, I will have dread. Seven years the onc reckons. It's challenging to contemplate seven years of suffering.It's my last chemo on Tuesday. People keep expecting me to be happy but I don't feel happy at all. I am as flat as a tack, sad, and cannot contemplate the future with any pleasure. It all seems so futile.And in between those two phases of treatment is a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Daunting.Being slammed into hard menopause sucks. I don't sleep well. Will I ever again?I'm doing everything I can to maximise my chances of life. I presume one day I'll feel better about it, but for now I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I can't get my shoulders down from up round my ears I'm that tense. I'm trying to stay in the moment, but failing, and positivity is completely beyond me. I'm just so tired.I don't want to see anybody, there's hardly anything I want to do. I've got friends coming over today but right now I just wish they weren't. Is it OK to duck out mid-afternoon for a rest?Cried myself to sleep last night. I'm aware that most of us have bouts of self-pity, but this feels different. An absence of good spirits. One day at a time is not working for me at the moment.Sorry for the whinge. Just needed to get it out. Where better than here and all you lovely women.

@sister A friend came and took me up into the hills today. We had lunch in a lovely cafe and then went for a long walk in the National Rhododendrum Gardens. Breathed deeply and did a spot of forest bathing. Exhausted, but good for mind and body.

Hi @kmakm it is quite normal to feel flat and sad when you come up to your last chemo it is a signalling of our emotions that we have held together to get us through chemo ... I believe the crying is a process that we go through at this time.... YES you always have permission to duck out mid afternoon for a rest.... When they arrive explain that Chemo means you need an afternoon nap.... So you will be going to lay down for a time in the afternoon.... Have you seen a psychologist ? you are entitled under the Mental health plan to see one under medicare.... Ask either your Onco or GP to give you a Mental health Plan (chronic disease) I waited for about a Year after chemo before I saw someone wrong choice it then took a longer time for me to work through all the emotions I had pushed down going through treatment.There are a couple of things that helped me ... I do a relaxation mediation by Petrea King that has got me into a good sleep pattern I have it on my Ipod and listen with headphones and drift into sleep while it plays I normally remove headphones and drop to floor and then go into a deep sleep... you can get Mediation CDs at most local libraries or you could download a YouTube version on one.... another good one is Letting go by Sarah Edelman... I also downloaded when sleep was evasive an app called white noise you can then play various noises that will help soothe you through sleep ..... I liked a combination of waves and thunder Don't ever feel sorry about needing to vent and share where you are at right now on your Roller coaster ride you didn't chose to get on. Gentle hugs and energy to deal with the day ahead ...

Hi @kmakm,So many things of the things you are thinking and feeling were my thoughts and feelings too as I neared the end of chemo. It is so ‘normal’ for us to feel this way at that point. I particularly wondered if I would ever sleep well again!But I have also read many of your posts and comments that tend to make me think you are going to come through this just fine too. @SoldierCrab has given you terrific advice and the meditation/relaxation resources are really worth a try.I am five years down the track (well actually not until May, but almost) and I can definitely say it has not been 5 years of suffering. I have had a few hurdles along the way but I have learnt that I am pretty resilient. So far there has always been something that can help any of the problems I have had.I had 2 years on Tamoxifen (very few side effects) and then my body decided to come out of chemo induced menopause and so I had my ovaries removed and switched to Femara (Letrozole). Next hurdle was bone density plunging to osteoporosis level. I found a simple but very effective way around that too. I do a weightlifting program just twice a week and 12 months later my bone density is no longer osteoporotic.I have had other issues along the way too but always there is something that can help. This network has been the best source of practical advice for most problems I have had. If nothing else then a good vent on here can sometimes help to make you feel better. We all have those moments.One thing that I think I am so much better at (although I still need to work on it) is realising that I am not responsible for EVERYTHING. In fact letting others (especially children and partners) take over some of the responsibilities is good for them too. My daughter who had suffered from crippling anxiety all her life, grew so much when she felt needed and appreciated for her help. You are at the the stage where it is so hard to know the way forward but just keep moving in that general direction and you will get through this. I had no clue what my future after bc would hold but it has been ok. There have even been some absolutely amazing bits that I could never have imagined. Keep going and trust that you will find the right way forward for you. Take care. Deanne xxx

Ladies on the day of surgery I asked for my breasts to be named "A" & "B" as I was evicting them for the toxicity they held..... (A & B ) where actual names of some family members who had been breaking boundaries in my life.... they happily wrote the names of them one on each breast and I evicted them 25/10/12 it was very therapeutic for me.

@kmakm I wondered where you were this morning. I wish I could magic myself to Melbourne and give you a hug - probably not really a hug 'cos I'm not a huggy person. You WILL get through this, one step at a time. If you look at 7 years, you'll go crazy. Being as miserable as a bandicoot seems to be the norm, sometimes. I know there's a lot of bandicoots around my house. And yes, you're almost at the end of chemo but not the end of treatment so it's understandable that you will feel overwhelmed at times. Listen to me! Some expert! If your counsellor's good, stay with him/her - if not, try to find someone else. Thinking of you.

Struggling with my mood | BCNA Online Network

53 Replies

Romla
Member
8 years ago
Sorry @SoldierCrab and @kmakm but Victoria only state no Encore.
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm
post treatment - it is good to connect with other survivors.... even if it is a general cancer support group.

that might be an encore program run by the YWCA or an exercise program specifically for those who have been through cancer...
DO you have the Enrich program through Cancer Council in Vic ?

and just because you are post treatment it will not stop the support here on the forum....
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@Romla I am petrified of this post-treatment period for the same reasons. I will need strategies.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm probably didn’t explain it too well .I have 3 kids and a husband and whilst I know life goes on I thought it had ended for me.I felt lost when the flurry of treatment ended and I was expected to resume life as normal .My family believed I was cured and that I was still supermum - the latter partially created at least by myself.In despair I rang the Cancer Council who organised Cancer Connect within 3 days - the tinkling Irish lilt of a woman in Maroochydore who had been through the same as me years ago and was enjoying her life was a lifesaver at a very low point.On top of which a couple of friends nudged me to seek others going through the same which I did - here on this blog and a local support group. I also joined a local exercise group and started walking. So gradually I started to get my life back but not without stumbles when my body would change in an unfamiliar way or family hassles occurred.I guess I will continue to have the occasional stumble .I know I am not alone , that I do have a life and life is good.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
"broken, fundamentally changed and diminished" is my issue too @Afraser. Such a struggle. I'm so sorry your eye problems have stirred things up again, but glad to hear you have a handle on it.
Afraser
Member
8 years ago
It's funny how people tell you how good you are looking - absolutely well intentioned, to reassure you you don't look sick (or like to die!!) but I always found it hard to answer so just thanked them. My big hurdle was that the me at the end of it would be broken, fundamentally changed and diminished. It took a good counsellor for a short time and my own thinking for a longer time to work out what was truly valuable to me and be confident in retaining that. I have just had a problem with an eye operation and that old feeling flooded back. Good counsel lasts and I can handle this too, particularly as there is a good chance of a good outcome. But yes, there's the treatment for the body and then there's the treatment for the mind. I was lucky and carried very little emotional hardship or difficulty into cancer, but I firmly believe that any life threatening illness can and probably will churn up all the emotional baggage one has. Take care.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@Romla I've done the Look Good Feel Better workshop. Not really my scene (not a big make-up person and despite no hair people keep telling me how good I look... bizarre) but I did enjoy it. For me I think the benefit will come from the company of people who've gone/are going through it. With four kids, a husband and a father-in-law in the house I get that life goes on. My struggle is internal and emotional. So hard to explain.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
One of benefits of a local group for me was I learnt about other programs I could access like the YWCA’s hydrotherapy program , Flinders Uni’s onlineprogram and the Look good Feel good (?) program even though I only accessed the Y’s. But far and away the most important was to be out and about in my suburb and see fellow breast cancer people doing their normal lives as then I knew it would be ok. I would see them at the supermarket , walking down the street etc I began to realise life goes on and so would I. I may just see them at a distance or even pass them driving in the car but it has been very reassuring in its normality. Not sure if I explained myself well and know how hard it is to get motivated but think it may help you a lot as it did me.PS You might even meet some new friends
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@Romla No worries!
Romla
Member
8 years ago
https://www.cancervic.org.au/support-groups/list.asp

Gee must be too early for me did not post web address

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Struggling with my mood

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