Round and round we go....
From today's blog....
Feeling guilty ... It could be worse .... There are others worse off
Day 5 - after round 2
Ee·mo·tion (i-mo′sh?n)
n.
1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, and anger.
2. Such mental states or the qualities that are associated with them, especially in contrast to reason: a decision based on emotion rather than logic.
Bloody emotions....they can lift us to the highest highs and drag us down to the depths of the deepest abyss.
I had a mini meltdown last night..sobbing tears, you know the type, the ones where you can't breathe, the type where you say stupid things like "I don't want to do this anymore".
Well I don't WANT to do this anymore, but it doesn't mean I give up, I'm over the side effects, the ups and downs, the feeling of helplessness. The reality is I HAVE to do this, I didn't get a choice and no matter how loudly I protest, I will still HAVE to do this!
I HATE how this makes me feel, I HATE how this effects everyone in my life. Hate is a powerful word and feeling, but it's appropriate when talking about cancer. She knocked on my door and ransacked my very being, turned everything in my life upside down and has left a path of obstacles for me and my family to get past.
This is not a "poor me" post, but a snapshot of my reality, my everyday...and everyday can be so different, it's unsettling sometimes..... I warned you it wouldn't be all rainbows and lollipops....
I went to bed with a headache and woke up with one, my hair is all over the bed, my tongue feels like a slug, my mouth is dry, my eyes have dark circles under them. My ability to taste has been replaced with a strong metallic taste, even water is "slimy".It seems the side effects gave me the respite to prepare I asked for in the beginning and have hit me on day 4 & 5 this time....
It's really hard to not get cranky, hard to not emit uneasy 'energy', even poor Rusty can sense I'm not right and is giving me a wide berth...and my hubby, I can't even imagine whats going on in his head... seeing me this way, me seeing him seeing me this way!
I will try harder today, try to lower my "energy" levels, emit better frequencies..... I am usually the strong one, but you know even the strongest have their moments of fatigue....
Love to all
- Tracy
Xx
