Forum Discussion

Tasia's avatar
Tasia
Member
5 years ago

Power to Transform: AC/Taxol, side-effects, surgery and life

I have my Onc appointment on Monday to discuss usual topics and new discussion - surgery. 
We will cover the general issues - my blood results, bodies response to all the chemo, taxol side-effects (ah sigh).
The possibility of a blood transfusion will be part of the centre piece discussions; the onc drops that is to prep me perhaps has readings drop. I donʻt know what scares most - that, the heart palpitations, the surgery, my own questions - had/have I made the right choice.

I read posts and absolutely understand why life is fought for. Mid 50ʻs and very active lifestyle pre cancer diagnosis/chemo; family, friends, work, travel, simply breathing the vibrancy of life...
I value life but also value ʻqualityʻ. No husband/partner, no young children at home, work life may very well be fading in January onwards - chemo raises its head...and asks why choose the chemo path? Has anyone else sat in that space of questioning?

I also have a counselling session on Monday...
Friendships and family deep bonds and connections have been impacted by the chemo tremors. For me, more like an earthquake rumble. I have low tolerance for absent-mindedness, excuses and ignorance - I am questioning who I am becoming.
Is it their lack of ʻgetting this/what being considerate and kind meansʻ or is it my own crap that has started to build walls ?
Perhaps all their hype in the early weeks was with good intent but ignorance. Signing up for long term support is a big deal and not one that most people can honour; it is hard work. Where does the value of friendship sit in these situations? Had the quality changed over time and I hadnʻt noticed...

Does chemo have the power to transform you?

Surgery will be another topic on Monday and I really donʻt know if I can even go there. What should I be asking? 

7 Replies

  • MicheleR's avatar
    MicheleR
    Member
    5 years ago
    Hi @Tasia,

    I have 3 more chemos to go and its such a bloody long treatment. The questions you are asking make sense.  There is uncertainty in it all. Its not a fun experience and i feel emotionally impacted by it all.

    But maybe it isnt the chemo so much as a reflection of a big thing that has happened that others cant fully understand or stay in touch with for the longer time. I felt gratitude then once that left hurt and angry. I questioned some of my relationships. For some people eventually I accepted thst they are still in the thick of their life and ive slowed down and stuggling through. 

    I dont know about readings. Im thinking of you and hoping that the path ahead is a bit easier. X
  • Tasia's avatar
    Tasia
    Member
    5 years ago
    @Dory65 - thank you x
    Yep, I wasnʻt aware that there was this thing called chemo menopause too. The emotions do a shout out and have a party.
    I walk almost every day and when my appetite calls out, I eat mostly healthy. Although I do frequent my ice cream more than I ever have. 

    I feel that the sadness, the questions are part of the grief and loss of self pre cancer/chemo. 

    I am glad to read that your mood improves and you are feeling much better :-) 
  • Dory65's avatar
    Dory65
    Member
    5 years ago
    Don't apologise @Tasia - You write very poetically. We all have a good place to vent here, and I've done my fair share and will probably do so again when need be. My mood sank very low for a few days last week, "what's the point of anything/living" kind of thinking. Then I had my monthly Zoladex injection and my mood improved (hormones playing their games), plus I started exercising and trying to eat sensibly. I feel so much better this week. It's a rollercoaster ride. Ughh! :#
  • Tasia's avatar
    Tasia
    Member
    5 years ago
    Thank you @Dory65

    Yes, no decision feels quite right when chemo sets off so many side effects. Diagnosis was mid Aug 2020.
    I have a lot of ok days which have allowed me to continue work in some capacity and manage life as the ʻcurrent new meʻ. Its the off feelings on the off days that mount up.They are the hard ones to get through.
    I am now having fortnightly bloods and with all the chemo, have been told it is normal for the readings to drop and to expect the known, common side effects. 

    I look up and find hope, courage, strength and healing in the soft movements of the clouds; I see the blue skies and sun smiling down and warming my inner parts when hurting, I feel the wind and its own movements weaving in and out of the surrounding trees and watch the leaves perform their own dance choreography - they lighten my day and bring joy. No its not all doom and gloom, its just incredibly hard on some days, every week. 
    It feels like Iʻm constantly carting around a fire extinguisher - ready to try and put out the next fire. 

    My apologies for waffling....but thank you xx


  • Dory65's avatar
    Dory65
    Member
    5 years ago
    Hi @Tasia,
    do you absolutely, thoroughly understand your pathology results - the stage and grade of your BC and the risk of not doing chemo? Have you done any genomic assay tests? I absolutely get that even just the word "chemotherapy" is terrifying to some people (myself included - at first). In the initial treatment planning stage, everything is so rushed and not always explained. Your doctors know what they are doing and why they are doing it, they are following best practise protocols.

    I baulked when told I was to have chemo - I did the Oncotype DX test at great expense. It came back with the result that chemo was of less than 1% benefit as long as I follow the AI protocols (yucky but bearable - I am now a compliant patient  o:) ). BUT, even with that Oncotype test result, I do feel anxious about my decision not to have chemo. If I had understood the big/long term picture better, plus the improvements in medical care and chemo drugs - I might not have resisted.

    No one wants to be overtreated - but no one wants to be undertreated either. Please get the science/factual information you need to make an informed decision. Do not rely on gut feelings alone - we are a mess of emotions at diagnosis. Feelings change. It came as a huge surprise to me, when I read on this site, that chemo is not necessarily the horror story of our imaginations. I sit alongside patients getting chemo when I get my Zoladex injections. Some of them drive themselves to/from the Cancer Day Unit, they are able to joke with the nursing staff and me, they are themselves. I'm not saying it's easy - but it's worth it if that's what the experts recommend. They are doing their best for you. Good luck with your appointments. Have a list of questions ready and take a level headed support person with you to take notes or record the appointment on their/your phone.

    Best wishes. L xxx
  • Tasia's avatar
    Tasia
    Member
    5 years ago
    Thank you @Afraser. 

    The counsellor and I have delved into most of these questions and it pans out ok when I am feeling more ok (ish) than not.
    I also gently explore my own questions in my quiet time; a curse or a blessing, I also am a counsellor.

    When cancer, chemo and their entourage follow you and have forced changes in your present and play a part, even on mute, in your future - how do you maintain influence to change what you want?

    I see cancer as the ʻrogueʻ and chemo ʻas the good/bad guyʻ - the one invited in to conquer cancer. In the interim, chemo breaks down every pipe line, thatʻs what it has been recruited to do. That is what I find difficult. It does not contain itself only within the body but has a ripple effect and can tarnish friendships, family connections, work, etc.

    What you say makes sense about the unaffected person. I was a very active carer to cancer and I guess the approach I had differs immensely to what I see from those unaffected persons towards my cancer situation. 
    One can talk the talk but can they walk it... x
    The difference between the few and the many MoveMe Quotes

  • Afraser's avatar
    Afraser
    Member
    5 years ago
    Dear @Tasia

    It’s possible that your counsellor can help with some of those questions - that is, help you to find your answer to them. Treatment can bring in a lot of questioning - about chemo, about how you feel but also about where you have been and where you think you may be going. I found counselling very helpful even if it was for a relatively short time but I also found that I made best use of what I had learned almost 12 months after diagnosis. By that time I was almost finished herceptin, considering travelling again, prepared to make changes about a future I wanted rather than reacting to circumstances created by treatment and side effects. Experiencing cancer is time consuming - those who haven’t experienced it themselves often don’t understand that and may assume that you just want to put it all behind you as soon as possible. Friendship is still a two way process - cancer may dominate and the unaffected person may find that hard. Many of us find that changes post diagnosis are significant, and that they can be good changes too. Chemo kills rogue cells - it’s not a transformative agent. Your brain and thinking capacity are transformative agents. But like anything worthwhile, making lasting, beneficial changes takes time. Best wishes.