Post Op Mania

You know what Adean?  I believe it is because, as women and mothers, we feel the need to be strong and to shield and protect the ones we love.  Trust me, my husband has since come to realise I am very frightened and very vulnerable and I believe he will never do that again.   I can blame myself somewhat because I displayed such a positive upbeat attitude as I truly believe that is what will get me through this and help beat the cancer.  I don't want to have to act helpless, vulnerable and needy to get the right support.  But, trust me, from now on I will be verbalising exactly what I need and want and expect.  You are so right.  At this time in our life with what we are all facing we need strength around us - not weakness.  I have never been able to meditate but when I was in radiology having my hook wire inserted and they couldn't get it right I was so distressed (internally) that I actually mentally took myself out of the room.  I was on Whitehaven Beach in the Whitsundays - it was a beautiful day - and I was sipping wine from a glass - it was beautiful.  I could not feel or see what they were doing to me anymore.  It was extraordinary.  Never happened before and I could probably never replicate it.   From what I have read many women get bc back and beat it very successfully.  They say we need to keep as stress free as possible (quite an oxy moron don't you think?).  Well Adean.  Love to you too honey - I'm alright - just a bit of a woosy girl at the moment.  Talk to me anytime.  Hugs and kisses to you.  Suziexx

He never goes to the pub - that's why I thought he must have been in an accident.  You are absolutely right - had I known where he was and how long he would be there would not have been a problem - I would still not have been happy but I would not have been so frightened and would not have turned manic. Because I "lost it" I am made feel like the "bad guy".  Really,  I feel sorry for him having to go through this but I am the one with the cancer.  He has had a cold and bad cough with chest infection for the past 3 weeks (ever since I was diaganosed!) and now he thinks he has lung cancer!  Give me a break!  I can't even have cancer on my own.  He is more depressed than I am.  I am going to have to go food shopping tomorrow and start cooking for myself again because all I am getting is junk food chips and chocolate.  Radiology was terrible, but mainly because they could not locate the sentinal node and the young person doing the mapping was quite annoyed about it which made me feel like shit.  Then, of course, they couldn't get the hook wire in the right place.  I thought I was going to pass out.  Anyway, that is all behind me.  I had an emotionally indulgent day today and I know I will be much better and stronger tomorrow.  I am not usually one to mope around and feel sorry for myself.  I have to get out of this house.  Mainly, because I have so many delivered flower arrangements around the place it resembles a funeral parlour.  I have put the main offending displays out on the back verhandah.  It has taught me one thing - never send arrangements - send bunches!  I promise I won't go driving around at night again.  I knew I was being totally unreasonable but I couldn't stop myself - talk about being out of control!  Got to go.  Craig has just bought home chinese again!  Suziexx

Hi Louie.  I had no idea I would react so badly to being left alone.  I expected so much more from him.  I know I wouldn't have done that if the shoe were on the other foot.  I have forgiven him, not that he is sorry for anything! I have also taken my outer bandages off today leaving the clear strips over the incisions.  I know our Surgeon has taken quite a bit out of each breast but you wouldn't know it.  On Monday everything moved so quickly after I left radiology (they are going to have to drag me in screaming and kicking next time!).  Each member of her team introduced themselves to me and they all had beaming smiles on their faces- that calmed me down somewhat - that and the "happy" drug they gave me.  I loved that there was one "token male" on her team - the assistant surgeon.  When I woke up I was given morphine for the pain but have not needed anything since - but the right breast is still itchy.  I expected drains - but have none - I don't know what that means - whether that is good or bad.  Our  Surgeon took out the 3 nodes using the same incision as the cancer - quite remarkable really.  In about 1999 I had a lumpectomy on the left breast - benign - but it appears I have a lot of calcifications going on.  She took 3 out of the left breast that showed abnormal cells.  She did indicate that if this is going to persist  I would be better off having double mastectomy.  Bring it on - I have no problem with that at all.  I just want to get on with my life.  Oh, did I mention ct scan picked up a 6cm seemingly benign parovarian cyst (means it grows on the outside) on my right ovary that needs to come out asap.  I have had this cyst for as long as I can remember but never this big.   Dr Laura did say there is a strong link between breast cancer and ovarian cancer and it has to go.  So much to look forwrard to..... Talk to you soon honey.  When my emotions settle down we will go for that coffee.  Love suziexx

Thank you so much for your understanding and support.  I had plenty of me time today.  I didn't get out of bed! I unashamedly wallowed in self pity.  Yes, I know that is wrong but I felt I needed to.  I had become so emotional yesterday.  Well, some might call it crazy. The stupid thing is Craig normally doesn't go to the pub and he is not what you would call a regular drinker.  Perhaps we forget what our partners are going through.  I was trying too hard to be upbeat and positive for his sake and eveyone else's not realising I was still so frightened.  I know I over-reacted - but I expected more from him.  I have already forgiven him (not that he thinks he did anything wrong!).  I will feel stronger tomorrow. What has helped is hearing from friends I haven't heard from in a long time.  I had no idea how good that would feel.  There is plenty of love out there and thank goodness I can talk on this site.  Suziexx

Dont worry suzie for me its now 5 weeks post op and I just had the biggest howling session in the bathroom with my 18 year old rubbing my back because my husband is being a dickhead today he has been great but for some reason I wonder if us showing a strong front is good as they think we are ok now? You know I think when we are the independent type it hard to let the guard down I never ask for any thing, so I suppose they dont know what to do for us sometimes. I spent all day having my planning session today and just wanted to be left alone but on the other hand I needed love  because the bc is confronting me again but he was being demanding. I think I will go to the desert island for amazing women wherever that is in my imagination.               Love and a big hug to you adean xxxx

Dont worry suzie for me its now 5 weeks post op and I just had the biggest howling session in the bathroom with my 18 year old rubbing my back because my husband is being a dickhead today he has been great but for some reason I wonder if us showing a strong front is good as they think we are ok now? You know I think when we are the independent type it hard to let the guard down I never ask for any thing, so I suppose they dont know what to do for us sometimes. I spent all day having my planning session today and just wanted to be left alone but on the other hand I needed love  because the bc is confronting me again but he was being demanding. I think I will go to the desert island for amazing women wherever that is in my imagination.               Love and a big hug to you adean xxxx

OMG,I'd kill him!! I guess he didn't tell you where he was going cos he knew it wasn't the right thing to do.However,if he had told you he was going to the pub for abit of time out,you probably would have been more ok about it.No doubt the last few weeks have been a strain for him and men go into  their "caves"to work it out.  You do  feel very vulnerable after surgery,maybe you were putting on too brave a face.You can hate being needy and vulnerable but the truth is you ARE at the moment and have every right to be.I totally understand how hurt and disappointed you must feel.Well,time for hubby to redeem himself and for you to tell him exactly what you need him to do. It sounds like your time in radiology was worse than the actual surgery! Maybe they plan it that way!!! It's hard waiting a week for your results but that's the usual.Just rest and be waited on- shouldn't be doing anything much,especially not  drivingaround at night,

                                                          Tonya xx