Not sure what I'm meant to be feeling

Hi there,

Cancer is cancer regardless of the grade, type and stage. It is confronting and overwhelming at times. Treatment takes it out of you regardless of whether you have chemo or not. Definitely get in to see a counsellor if you can. They will help to work through the emotions and feelings. It so hard when you don't look sick but feel lousy. Please do not under estimate the affect of a cancer diagnosis on your emotional well being. Give yourself time to digest what has happened to you. Take care. Karen xox

Hi Jac, you're having normal feelings towards a diagnosis you didn't want. Of course you're going to lose inspiration and energy. Give yourself time to rest and process. Here is something that I send to my friend when she loses momentum with her art. Keep up with your art, as it does distract you and you discover other good things along the way. Cuddles, Trace ????????

Thank you all so much. I was feeling I was just having a little miss prissy hissy fit with this post and you have helped me realise that it is okay. I don't have the energy I had before this started. I have noticed friends and family disappear. I am kind of dreading radiotherapy coming up. I know it will knock me around. I hate all of this but I do not hate being able to connect with all you wonderful women. Thank you again for helping me feel "normal". 

Hugs to all of you, Jacqui 

Hi Jacqui,

Someone on here once told me cancer is cancer, no matter the size or treatment, and it is with you always. It's a rotten roller coaster we are all on. I'm good one day, bad another, and a stark raving mad bitch the next. I think it is all part and parcel of this ginormous thing in our lives and you are entitled. Entitled to veg out, hide under the doona, sit in the sun, paint or not paint, read or not read, feel or not feel.

It's still early days for you, I remember you were diagnosed not long after I was. You have a good team at the hospital, reach out and talk to them. There are so many people and services out there waiting and willing to help. And there are so many here for the kind of support we all need, especially during the wee hours of the morning when our computers seem to be all we have.

Lots of hugs

San-Dee

Just because you are not having chemo it does not make it less scary, less real, less daunting or less emotional... it is still cancer surgery and cancer treatment and that underlying fear of 'what if it comes back' or 'what do I do to avoid it coming back'... And all of us wonder every days 'where to from here?'...

I am about to start Chemo in a week's time rhen radiation and I do not view the radiation part as being 'nothing'. It is still treatment that takes toll on you.  I am glad for you that you will not have to deal with sideaffects and risks of Chemo but radiation and hormones are not 'gwtting away with it easy'.

Do not worry about 'where to from here' right now.  Right now you need to look after yourself to get through the therapy with best outcomes for you. Everyone here gets your thoughts - we all kind of think them every day.

It only dawned on me the ither day after I had a major meltdown as I too have the appearence of being the same and that nothing has happened to me (and have been masking my poor misshapen boob well) that the life as we knew is over and in some weird way people / women that we were are trully gone forever. We are different now not just physically but emotionally and memtally and I think as we progress through this whole treatment process we will continue to change. We will continue to experience emotions that were never there before and to view parts of our life and people in it and our relationships differently.

As others have said I think in the begining of the treatment, we are still experiencing loss of our life as it was befire and are in those early stages of shock and the brain is still shutting down to a degree to protect us and help us through.

I know your passion and artistic inspiration will come back when you are ready. Right now your brain knows subconscoiusly that you need concentrate on healing and treatment and dealing with this situation so you get through with the best outcome for you.

The life as we knew it and the omen we were are gone but I honestly believe it is for the better. I tried to oretend it was the same and this was just another illness I was going to get over and would be back to live my life since I was diagnosed late Feb. And I have to hide my BC as I do not want my mum to find out as she goes on a 2 month o'seas trip in 2 weeks so as far as evrryone but 3 friends and 4 colleagues knows nothing has halpened to me.

They all have been wondering about my moodiness, ocassional tamper tantrums and what they are viewing as being uncooperative and selfish as I am starting to say 'no' more and more often. I am slowly puttong the end to going the extra few milles for everyone and starting to say 'no'. I have stopped working extra 3 hours at work every day and cut it down by 1 - still the new boss thought my coming in an hour early and skipping lunch break meant I was slacking off. Hell, now I realise what a fool the old me was...

Now I am seeing this woman I am becoming. Outward appearances are that I am being less accomodating, less careing, less friendly even but I think I am becoming 'more'. Jelena sa everyone including my self is gone, burried or incinerated somewhere along with her lump I reckon... And after the meltdown i had the other day as I was cotinuing to try to live pretending nothing had changed I am realising that I like the new me.

The new me that is emerging is realising she is important and her life is valuable and how she lives and who she spends time with and who is slends her energy on is important.  Who cares what strangers think or say. Who cares if they know or do not know what has happened to us or what we have gone through. When people find out about our BC and the treatewnt and where we are at some freak out and some trivialise it.... but who cares...

I reckon what is important is to allow ourselves to concentrate on where we are with the treatment to get the best possible outcome and not to trivialise what we have gone through or are going through wherever we are along that path of 'working on getting better and being healthy'. We are different bith externally and internally and all we need to care about is how to het through it, get better and how to live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

Everyone is made happy and feels fullfilled by different things and maybe on the other side of this whole 'treating my BC' path those things that make us happy will have changed but I know whatever they are they will be there - waiting for us.

We may be different but but it is a 'good different'. Regardless of what other think the women on the other side od this parh are physically, emotionally and mentally stronger, wiser about themselves and about their lives and they know what is trully important and who is trully important and who to spend this prescious time we are given on this planet with and who (and what) to invest our energy in...

Just hang in there Jacqui... Do not feel it is any less than anybody else's exlerience for not having chemo. Be glad you did not have it and definitely do not trivialise what you are habing to go through as it is not a walk in the park. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to grieve. Do whatever you feel the need for. Go outside if nothing else and ansorb the sun and fresh air and just breathe...

When U R trully ready, inspiration will come back and you will paint again

Hugs..

Jel.

Jacqui. Don't give up. Not entirely anyway. As others have said, now is the time to be kind to yourself. Do things for yourself. If you feel like doing nothing. Do nothing and don't feel guilty about it. If you want to use your cancer as an excuse to buy that nice cardigan, go to a movie during the day... do these things. Try not to expect anything of yourself ..or others for that matter. Many of your family and friends may fall short of the support you feel they should be offering you. Seek support instead from us, those who have some idea of what you need and want. In the end radio therapy can be a bit of a bore and will leave you feeling pretty tired. Give in to this! Don't fight it.  Wishing you the very best. Jenny

Hi Jacqui,

Whatever you do have to give should be for you right now. Absolutely be kind to yourself. The members and the online team are here to support you any way we can. Whether it be one, two or 10 people that you may reply to on the Online Network, you have helped them out and that's more than we can ever ask for.  Christine has suggested some great things if and when you may be interested in giving them a try. 

Ann-Marie x

Happy to help out with edits if you need Kath :) just let me know.

Hi, I think many of us feel like this. I've had surgery, chemo and now underway with radio....and I don't know how to feel about it all. I often feel nothing or numb. I feel like I don't show much emotion - just nothing. I'm not sure what will happen at the end of radio....as it is hard to imagine what to do next next. For me its been 6 months of overwhelming focus on all of this...so it is hard to imagine what I do when at least this part of the treatment is all over.

And as you mentioned, many don't know what you are going through. I feel its made me a more understanding person though...as I often people watch and wonder who else is walking around with BC or some other chronic disease that you just can't tell. It reminds me to be a bit more understanding of others....as you can't tell what is going on inside. 

Anyway, not sure if my advice will help but just wanted to say that I think there would be many of us who have that 'numb'/'nothing' feeling. Having done 15 or so radio sessions I also find myself lying there each day having that 'nothing' feeling. If you can, maybe try to do something nice for yourself after each radio session - even if it is just buy yourself a coffee...something that is a little reward for getting through each session. I feel like it is dragging on and if you are like me and have to go every day....it feels a bit mundane.

Good luck with the radio sessions ahead.

No-one is happy about cancer, but one can be relieved about no chemo. No-one feels chirpy about a close encounter with a life threatening illness, but can be relieved about a good prognosis. No-one is the same as they used to be, everyone - cancer or no cancer - changes as they live. Take time to let it all sink in, it's a lot. You will feel stronger. You will feel. And you may then be surprised at how strong you have actually been.

Good luck