Not sure what I'm meant to be feeling

Just because you are not having chemo it does not make it less scary, less real, less daunting or less emotional... it is still cancer surgery and cancer treatment and that underlying fear of 'what if it comes back' or 'what do I do to avoid it coming back'... And all of us wonder every days 'where to from here?'...

I am about to start Chemo in a week's time rhen radiation and I do not view the radiation part as being 'nothing'. It is still treatment that takes toll on you.  I am glad for you that you will not have to deal with sideaffects and risks of Chemo but radiation and hormones are not 'gwtting away with it easy'.

Do not worry about 'where to from here' right now.  Right now you need to look after yourself to get through the therapy with best outcomes for you. Everyone here gets your thoughts - we all kind of think them every day.

It only dawned on me the ither day after I had a major meltdown as I too have the appearence of being the same and that nothing has happened to me (and have been masking my poor misshapen boob well) that the life as we knew is over and in some weird way people / women that we were are trully gone forever. We are different now not just physically but emotionally and memtally and I think as we progress through this whole treatment process we will continue to change. We will continue to experience emotions that were never there before and to view parts of our life and people in it and our relationships differently.

As others have said I think in the begining of the treatment, we are still experiencing loss of our life as it was befire and are in those early stages of shock and the brain is still shutting down to a degree to protect us and help us through.

I know your passion and artistic inspiration will come back when you are ready. Right now your brain knows subconscoiusly that you need concentrate on healing and treatment and dealing with this situation so you get through with the best outcome for you.

The life as we knew it and the omen we were are gone but I honestly believe it is for the better. I tried to oretend it was the same and this was just another illness I was going to get over and would be back to live my life since I was diagnosed late Feb. And I have to hide my BC as I do not want my mum to find out as she goes on a 2 month o'seas trip in 2 weeks so as far as evrryone but 3 friends and 4 colleagues knows nothing has halpened to me.

They all have been wondering about my moodiness, ocassional tamper tantrums and what they are viewing as being uncooperative and selfish as I am starting to say 'no' more and more often. I am slowly puttong the end to going the extra few milles for everyone and starting to say 'no'. I have stopped working extra 3 hours at work every day and cut it down by 1 - still the new boss thought my coming in an hour early and skipping lunch break meant I was slacking off. Hell, now I realise what a fool the old me was...

Now I am seeing this woman I am becoming. Outward appearances are that I am being less accomodating, less careing, less friendly even but I think I am becoming 'more'. Jelena sa everyone including my self is gone, burried or incinerated somewhere along with her lump I reckon... And after the meltdown i had the other day as I was cotinuing to try to live pretending nothing had changed I am realising that I like the new me.

The new me that is emerging is realising she is important and her life is valuable and how she lives and who she spends time with and who is slends her energy on is important.  Who cares what strangers think or say. Who cares if they know or do not know what has happened to us or what we have gone through. When people find out about our BC and the treatewnt and where we are at some freak out and some trivialise it.... but who cares...

I reckon what is important is to allow ourselves to concentrate on where we are with the treatment to get the best possible outcome and not to trivialise what we have gone through or are going through wherever we are along that path of 'working on getting better and being healthy'. We are different bith externally and internally and all we need to care about is how to het through it, get better and how to live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

Everyone is made happy and feels fullfilled by different things and maybe on the other side of this whole 'treating my BC' path those things that make us happy will have changed but I know whatever they are they will be there - waiting for us.

We may be different but but it is a 'good different'. Regardless of what other think the women on the other side od this parh are physically, emotionally and mentally stronger, wiser about themselves and about their lives and they know what is trully important and who is trully important and who to spend this prescious time we are given on this planet with and who (and what) to invest our energy in...

Just hang in there Jacqui... Do not feel it is any less than anybody else's exlerience for not having chemo. Be glad you did not have it and definitely do not trivialise what you are habing to go through as it is not a walk in the park. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to grieve. Do whatever you feel the need for. Go outside if nothing else and ansorb the sun and fresh air and just breathe...

When U R trully ready, inspiration will come back and you will paint again

Hugs..

Jel.