living with fear

great news - Tassie there you go!  I am feeling a bit better since being online last week and am so pleased for you - you had a good visit to the onc and so shall I....

thank you - I am over the moon - I don't think it has sunk in yet................maybe when I pack my case and this time not worry about so many 'nighties' and 'pjs'! How good is that! x x x 

Well Susie - my onc made me have a cat scan this morning - no clots.  He wasn't happy about my Tassie trip - hey, I wasn't worried about his happiness!  Tassie is a big fat GO! Cant wait!  This has been a LONG time coming.  Hope all goes well with you, if you get the heebie-jeebies, you know where we are! big hugs from Josie x x x 

Hi Susie, I know what you mean about the 'anniversary' (which one!) the anniversary of the diagnosis?, surgery? treatments? tests - ongoing stuff...............and yes, I realised most recently how 'strung out I was' because I have trouble with my portacath and all the fears and terrors hit me like a mack truck - my blood-taking nurse (who has been through it all herself) said the fear never goes away and one has to just live with it the best way we can...........I know what she means and no doubt you do too - keep your chin up, I am off to the onc in a couple of hours and am praying he dosen't put the brakes on my Tassie trip (yep! shaking at the arthritic knees!).  We ALL know what you are feeling, so hang in there kiddo! xxx hugs Josie

Hi Hilary.  I'm not seeing my oncologist until 6 weeks after the first anniversay and no-one has made any mention of a mammogram nor of an ultrasound.  I know other women have mentioned this and I am wondering if it depends on the doctor or the hospital?  I'm just like you - any lump, bump or pain causes anxiety and I have to be honest, I too have been back to my GP - a painful lump behind my knee which, thankfully, was not related in any way to the primary tumour but rather, is a result of drug reaction.  I was sent for an xray and when the radiographer left the room, I became exremely agitated because it was the same as when the lump was found in my breast.  The poor woman had no idea what I was carrying on about!  I too have been told all these things will pass with time and I know I am extremely hard on myself and have quite unreasonable expectations.  You are right, this site is extraordinary and the support invaluable.  Please let me know how you get on - it appears we are sharing "anniversaries" even though they are ones we would prefer not to be having.  :)

each of you for taking the time to reply and share your current situations with me.  The arthritis has been triggered by the second hormone therapy and I am now unable to have any hormone therapy.  Luckily, I had such a high level of chemo that, although the odds of recurrence are doubled, they are still (relatively) low.  You have each reminded me that I am certainly not alone in this continuing journey and I am very grateful.  Krill  oil it is, I can't take Panadol forever!  Tonya, your words are always wise and kind and I thank you for reminding me that it's early days yet - I know Im hard on myself and am trying to learn a different way.  Fiona and Joy, you are both right - I have learnt many strategies and I do have strong and valuable selling points to add to my cv.  I already notice that many things that annoyed me before all this just go over my head now - continue that mindset in the workplace and watch out world, here I come! xxxx

I know excactly how you feel ! I am coming up to my 12mth check up and am dreading going for my mamogram and ultra sound. I have just had some tests for some "dodgy lumps" my onc found (all clear thank goodness) but I now find myself boxing shadows! I am constantly checking my other breat ( I had a mastectomy on my right side) and find lumps and bumps all over the place. I no longer feel confident in my body . I have never been an anxious person but now I am. However I am told that this is all perfectly normal and with time will pass. I sure hope so , this has been the worst year ever. Thank goodness for this site it has been a life saver for me. There is always someone who knows what you are going through, questions answered and just great support from ladies who have walked the walk. Keep in touch and let me know how you are going . Hugs Hilary xxx

I know excactly how you feel ! I am coming up to my 12mth check up and am dreading going for my mamogram and ultra sound. I have just had some tests for some "dodgy lumps" my onc found (all clear thank goodness) but I now find myself boxing shadows! I am constantly checking my other breat ( I had a mastectomy on my right side) and find lumps and bumps all over the place. I no longer feel confident in my body . I have never been an anxious person but now I am. However I am told that this is all perfectly normal and with time will pass. I sure hope so , this has been the worst year ever. Thank goodness for this site it has been a life saver for me. There is always someone who knows what you are going through, questions answered and just great support from ladies who have walked the walk. Keep in touch and let me know how you are going . Hugs Hilary xxx

Hi Susie

Sometimes it seems that the treatment is worse than the disease itself! I presume you've been switched from Tamoxifen to another hormone treatment. I found the joint pain was very responsive to Krill Oil capsules.

I can now go down steps one at a time without having to lower myself down using the handrail and two feet on each step (and vice versa going up.)

It's dearer than fish oil, but much more effective. Perhaps you can try it when finances permit.

You commented about your fears of recurrance etc. No amount of worrying,  testing/scanning or analysing statistics can prevent a recurrance. If it happens, it will be picked up and treated. The only difference between early breast cancer and advanced breast cancer is that those of us living with stage 4 disease have to fit in an on-going treatment regime into our busy lives!

Advanced breast cancer is now looked on by many as a chronic disease that is able to be controlled and managed for many years, even decades, and I have stated before that I'd rather have this chronic disease compared to many others eg. congestive cardiac failure.

I have very few restrictions placed on me by this disease and I agree with Fiona, you are a very different person because of this disease. Rewrite your CV and concentrate on the strengths you have gained by being on this journey. Bet things that would have driven you insane in the workplace will pass unheaded over your head in the future!

With love

Joy K