Lighter moments

Ladies I thought I should share some of my 'lighter moments' of this journey so far.  I have always tried to see the lighter side at one stage or another - I remember for my lumpectomy as I lay operating table and the anaesthesia was taking effect, I looked up at the nurse and sheepishly said "I am as nervous as a cat with a long tail in a room full of rocking horses (and more drowsily I added) no that's supposed to be rocking chairs...darn I buggered the joke" then I fell asleep....     Firstly I am sure most if not all of you have been faced with some pretty daunting tests and medical procedures, (they talk about 'pet scans', 'cat scans' and lab tests and your not even at a vetinary surgery) I remember how intimidated I felt with my first 'pet' scan - I must have been upset that day because I couldn't even crack a joke at my own expense.   I remember being 'tied' down to the table and they injected some stuff into my arm - now lets face it, they are doing this a dozen times a day, they know what they are doing!  Suffice to say they don't waste any time explaining much if any thing to you (one had the feeling of knowing how 'cattle' feel).  As the dye went into my arm, I heard them say - "Oh, you will feel some 'warmth' in your arm".....as the machine came toward me I heard a nurse say at the top of her voice ...."I can promise you, you didn't wet your pants!" Gee I am glad she is so confident as I had this dreadful warm feeling flood my lower extemeties!  I thought that was pretty awful but there was more to come.  Earlier that morning they made me drink this fluid - I was told it had a slightly aniseed flavour; Actually it tasted more like regurgitated Ouzo!  I suffered the full amount and went off for a scan. Later as I came out to get dressed, a radiologist stuck his head in the door (he looked no more than12 years old!) and said, "Now come back in three hours for your bone scan, by the way (he added flippantly as a last remark) that stuff you had to drink?...it has a slight dirarea effect...."  We had to drive across town to the cabin at the caravan park where we were staying, I kid you not, I literally ran over the top of my husband as he unlocked the door and I raced (no flew! - I don't think my feet hit the ground!) and JUST made it to the toilet where I am sure I felt the effects of a volcano explosion.  I managed to stagger out of the bathroom some thirty minutes later, exhausted and totally drained of energy - I held on to the doorframe of the bathroom looking pale, persperation running down my face and said to my husband with all the verve I could muster and said weakly "I think I shall lie down for a while dear......" Most recently, that is yesterday; I had to have a 'stress test' ('oh' I thought, this will be fun, having a 'stress test' with the after effects of enduring chemo!) any way along I went.  Now this test is for the heart.  This involves having an 1/ ‘echocardiogram’, 2/running on a treadmill hooked up  to a heap of wires, (looking like a suicide bomber), 3/ and then being whisked onto a bed and having another echocardiogram.  Now echocardiograms are painless and simple, it’s the same as an ultrasound, only on your chest.  I had this particular chap who did the echo.  He lathered the thing that he put on my chest with gel and proceeded to go ahead and do his stuff.  The only thing was I found he was pressing really hard on my chest, (especially where I had the mastectomy) as I grimaced (as you do when you are feeling extreme discomfort) and I said to him, “Gee, I can really feel some pressure there” he didn’t even look up as he retorted “Well you will feel pressure there whether you have had an operation or not…” and continued applying the pressure.  I had this sudden urge to reach out and grab him by is scrotum with a vice-like grip and say to him through my teeth “I know what you mean, so this doesn’t hurt?’   I sometimes wonder about some medical staff, like that chap (I call him Mr.Drill) - he had no idea!  The treadmill was a laugh - actually it wasn't, I started puffing - the cardiologist said, "I haven't turned the treadmill on yet!..." No seriously, I have never been on a treadmill before - I had the heart doctor, a nurse and that nasty little sod (Mr Drill - I won't forget him!) all yelling at me, "Slow down, dont push against the bar, slow down, just take it easy, breath properly, slow down....bla bla bla!"  Now come on guys, how would you feel half dressed in a hospital gown, wires coming out everywhere and running for my life on a machine - I really felt like I was something at Flemington races!  As soon as they stopped the treadmill, I had all three yelling "Quick, quick, up on the bed, hurry up, quick!" I have to add here, I am a 'short' person, and I struggled to climb up on that big bed all by myself! As I lay there struggling for breath, Mr Drill rammed his sonar thing on my chest "Now hold your breath, hold it, hold it" Now stop me right here if I am wrong - have you ever tried to 'hold your breath when you are puffing and panting after a run?' - believe me, it is no easy feat!  Body says breath, doctor says 'hold breath', body said get stuffed, I am doing what I want - mean while, "hold your breath"........To ad insult to injury, after I returned to a cubicle to get dressed, another lady was being prepared for the same torment, I mean procedure.  She walked into my cubicle by mistake - (I was bare from the waist up) - no apologies no thank you, she just laughed and said "Oh that was funny wasn't it...."  Gee, strangely enough when you are standing there naked from the waist with half a tit missing, I didn't get the funny bit. Stupid cow.  As a footnote, I really wish I could have done the 'vice-like' grip with that chap (Mr Drill) who did the echocardiogram.....the way I feel about him ladies and his insensitivity? - I would lay bets for sure if I get him again, you will definitely hear a man yelling in serious pain and you will know who is responsible and why!