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A moment of loneliness
From my Facebook blog....
THE FINAL FRONTIER - RADIOTHERAPY
THE FINAL FRONTIER - RADIOTHERAPY
Day 3 - of 25
An early start today for my third session of radiotherapy! I asked if my treatment could be in the morning.
So off I went and checked in to the Cancer Clinic at 8:15am for my 8:40am appointment. I collected my "buzzer" and sat in the waiting room......Buzzed in earlier than expected!
Walking down the hall into the radiation suites, I notice the artworks on the walls.....One in particular stands out.....the tree of life....it's a huge tile mosaic...I couldn't get a good look at the whole thing as there were peolple talking in front of it, but will try to get a photo of it next time....on I walked.
I reach reception and greeted with a cheery "Good Morning, Tracy!" The staff here are so welcoming and gentle....very special people indeed....it feels like i've been going there for years....I collect my gown and get changed.
I now have an extra item to put on....it's a stretchy gauze boob tube....it's used to hold the gel sheet in place instead of taping it.
I then sit and wait to be called......
It's eerily quiet....I can't even hear anyone talking.....I am alone this time in the waiting room. I am tired today...
"Tracy, You can go in now"......I walk down the short hall towards the room where treatment is given.....I notice the sign on the door "Bunker 1"......Wow! that just made me realise the enormity of this treatment....I have to go into a bunker! I notice the door is around 30cm thick too.....I am willingly walking into my very own nuclear war....... I am being blasted with some serious shit!
I am greeted with the cheery smiles and voices of my radiation therapists..."On the table when you're ready...."Oh wow! look at your tattoos!" A flurry of questions ensued before the snorklel is put into my mouth....
Measurements.....marking....more measurements...all checked against the computer records..."OK! ready to go" the therapists make their escape.....
I listen to the music they are playing as I wait for the treatment to start....It's really hard to lie super still with "Moves like Jagger" playing in the background! But I lay there.....still as..... Suddenly, I felt very vulnerable and a feeling of loneliness rushed over me....
I started thinking while I was lying there....and tears came to my eyes....NO!....no tears! Why was I starting to cry? I thought I'd run out of tears.....I stared at the ceiling and pulled myself together.
The treatment machine buzzes to life after what seems like an eternity...."When you're ready, take a deep breath in"....
Today's session was quicker than the first two......set up was faster and once set in motion, the actual treatment delivery was quicker too. I am getting quite good at holding my breath....not for a longer time, but more often....and so this makes reaching the dose I'm allocated faster....before I knew it, I was up and out of there!
As I was getting changed I wondered why I felt upset....Why I felt alone....At a few points through this experience I have felt "alone" ....it then occured to me....
It’s hard not to feel isolated when you’re being treated for cancer. My dad used to say that exact thing to me during his battle....Your priorities change drastically after a cancer diagnosis....You're suddenly doing whatever is necessary to stay alive. It's like you now live in an alternate universe....EVERYTHING has changed.... there seems to be a huge divide between the world of cancer and the ‘normal’ world.
Although you have many people milling around you....you are somewhat detached from the "real world" ... It's not that you don't feel loved...appreciated the love and support.....It's just an emptiness that's there....
You are sometimes so tired or so sick, that going out into the public arena may be too much..... You may even stop working.....The "real world" begins to fall away from you.
That empty feeling hasn't visited me often but I have learnt to self talk out of these feelings, so I said out loud...."Enough, Tracy".....I looked at myself in the change room mirror.....my tired face staring back at me....A loud voice in my head yelled " I'm proud of you!....it's almost over....you're almost there..."
Almost there.....
Looking forward to the weekend off before it all starts again on Monday!
Have a great Weekend all!
14 Replies
- Agree Mel - it is the emotional well being, that is the part that unless you're here on this forum or actually been there your dear family and friends cannot always get it!
It tends to hit when you are on a table for a scan or a needle is coming at you and you think goodness before this I didn't know about these drugs, tests, drips, specialists.............who are all designed to help us but it tests our inner strength! The external scars heal but the inner take time and do they ever heal? Most on here say I have lost my normal or I look forward to the normal returning and we search for it or accept that this new normal is different from before as this journey has made us into a stronger version of the old! Who knows, we are all different!
Tracey I hope your rads are easier as you go along and look forward to seeing some more of your drawings on the forum.
Take care and sending all a virtual hug from Christine xx - Tracey,
I just loved your post, for your raw honesty and courage. I also know too, we can all so relate to every word you said. I totally agree with 'feeling lonely' eventhough there are people around you that love you to pieces. The thing is though in our journey we are so isolated to a degree as much as our friends and family sympathize they really dont and cannot understand the depths of it and so we have these incredibly sad moments. Remembering too that we are human and yes the tears come when we think we cannot cry anymore. Our worlds are turned inside out, what we physically go through is gruelling not to mention mentally and emotionally. So I say we've earned every little tear, so I feel it and sit with it and let it be..then I find Im able to wipe those tears away and stand back up again.
Big hugs to you, youre doing such an amazing job! xo Melinda - I can very much relate to that 'moment of loneliness' you've so eloquently described. For me it occurred after I woke up in recovery from my recent re-excision for a new primary tumor in my other breast. Was such a contrast to the 1st diagnosis in 2015 when I felt so empowered & confident throughout surgery & radiation.
Keep that positive self talk going while allowing those moments of sadness / loneliness to briefly visit because they need to be acknowledged too when you've been & are still going through so much in your life right now.
Mel xx
Aww! I am humbled by your words Brenda! We are all heroes, yourself included! The machine 'zaps' me for 20-25 minutes....all up with the positioning and set up I am in there for 35-40 mins.....I can;t wait for my break after rads, We have booked a short cruise for February (our first) and I'm hoping to relax and restore in preparation for my implant exchange after that......Hope you are doing well Brenda <3Brenda5 said:Thank the Lord I didn't need to have radiation therapy as I don't know that I could have accepted it. Way too traumatic for me. May I ask how long the machine actually zaps you for? You are my hero and I love following your posts Tracy. I hope very soon you are left alone again but this time at home with no more appointments for weeks! What are you going to do with yourself then? <3- Hi Tracey, your Dad was so spot on with his description. We do what ever we have to to stay alive, and there is a huge gulf between the world of cancer and the normal world. Getting through our treatment becomes like tunnel vision until we reach the end. You are almost there. It does get better, Tracey, and you are doing wonderfully. Michelle x
- Hi Tracey, I too cried during radiation. My radiation was on both breasts and I found the breath holding particulary difficult. Be gentle with yourself, radiation is hard on your body and mind but it will pass.
- You write so well Tracey. Thank you for your interesting posts. So sorry you felt so sad during radio but that is so normal. I finished treatment last May. During my treatment I imagined both my Mum and Dad who are now in heaven standing at the end of the table and when they all left the room to zap me I imagined them dancing to the music. It helped me get through it.
take care and have a lovely relaxing weekend.
Anne-Marie - Oh my gosh Tracey, your words brought back memories for me. I too cried a few times during radiation. I did all my chemo sessions with my husband but all 30 radiation sessions I did on my own. It was so isolating. And it was surreal in a way. Another world. On the upside my boob had never had so much attention!!!! And hopefully never will again.
- Thank the Lord I didn't need to have radiation therapy as I don't know that I could have accepted it. Way too traumatic for me. May I ask how long the machine actually zaps you for? You are my hero and I love following your posts Tracy. I hope very soon you are left alone again but this time at home with no more appointments for weeks! What are you going to do with yourself then? <3
- Brought more tears Tracey. Checked flag in site.
