Forum Discussion
Life after Cancer?....define LIFE!
It's been a year since my diagnosis and all my active treatment ended in Sept 2015. But then came BRCA2, prophylactic hysterectomy, early menopause with hot flushes so bad, night sweats, sleep deprivation, cording, physio, port flush appointments….the list goes on and on...I feel like I am going to go nuts! and this week its all coming down on me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.
Life after Cancer? define LIFE! I saw my Gynae Oncologist for my post hysterectomy check last week and in my totally sleep deprived state and being an emotional mess because of the hot flushes and night sweats that has been keeping me awake for weeks I just broke down! I’m 40 years old and it feels like I am over the hill! When he asked me If I have resumed sexual intercourse I cried even harder. NO I HAVENT! Because I am scares sh*tless of it being painful since they hacked out my cervix with all my other female body parts. Because when I look in the mirror I have one chopped off breast and another one sagging, I’m fat, hot constantly to a point that I get anxious from it and tired, I don’t sleep, I get up in the middle of the night to change my clothes that are drenched from night sweats, I feel like burning up when my husband just puts his hand on my thigh at night and have to flick it off. Then the Dr comments: ‘Have you seen a psychologist at all or thought about seeing one?’ Are you kidding me?? NO I HAVENT because no one can FIX ME! No one can live our lives for us after cancer but us, and no session with a pscycologist will fix my hot flushes or give me sleep. I don’t want to cry any more than I already am crying. Where do I fit that in anyway? In between drs appointments, tests, port flush appointments, Lymph physio and WORK?
Today I am sick of cancer! I hate feeling like this. I know I should be grateful that I am alive but I am so tired and scared and don’t see how I can do this for so many years, not to even mention the fear of that monster returning and having to go through it all again! When the dr comments again he says “yes unfortunately you can’t have hormone replacement therapy because of your cancer you had, so the menopausal symptoms unfortunately will be there and we had to remove your ovaries because they were a ticking time bomb” I cried even harder. I KNOW ALL THAT!!!! I just want some relief.
So he ends up recommending I go on a type of anti-depressant that apparently is known to reduce hot flush symptoms and so my GP last week has started to transition me onto the new anti-depressants. I was so sick over the weekend from withdrawal symptoms from leaving my other meds.
My one year post diagnosis MRI is coming up at the end of the month. I dread going. If that is all clear then my 2nd mastectomy will be booked in for early March! Yay!, let’s go hack off more body parts to try and stay alive! I cry so much. I don’t really have a ques tion and I am sorry to be so negative. I am exhausted with the struggle, the cost the agony the fear. I hope and pray that soon I will be able to find some way of coping with this all.
37 Replies
lol your bit about 'dr asking about sex' gave me a chuckle today. Thank you Christine, wise words x
I won't compound by adding my woes but I feel your words like knives in my chest. I can imagine myself posting something very similar in the future and this is the advice I hope someone would give me, and it's going to ring as complete BS because it always does;
Therapy isn't about fixing you. Nobody walks in to a psychologist's office one day and walks out "cured" because for the most part those don't exist. What you get are a set of tools, unique and catered to specifically you. There's no shame in learning something new, and sometimes it's worth it just to have somewhere to walk in, verbally throw up everything on your mind, have that one person just say "Wow. That sucks.", and let you cry.
As far as we all come with our physical health, maintaining mental health will be a long and personal ordeal of its own. Corny as it is and as much as I want to smack myself in the face for saying it, you can get through this, you absolutely can.
To end on a light note, my absolute favourite thing circulating Facebook at the moment is a meme of Oscar the Grouch saying "Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot." When I do inevitably feel the way you feel right now I really hope that while calling myself trash in the mirror I'll remember that "trash can". <3
I really hope you're feeling better soon.
Hi Ne,
I get it. Every single word! I know you think what's the point of seeing a counsellor but I think when you are feeling so low, it's a good idea so that you can get some strategies to make things easier for you. Hopefully the new meds will kick in soon and you will start to feel a little better. My antidepressants I had been on just seemed to stop working. I could feel myself getting further and further into the abyss. I went back to my counsellor. Apparently that can happen. She did the tests and I was extremely depressed, highly anxious and stressed. Der! Is it any wonder I was feeling like shit and not functioning. I am 50 but most days I feel like I'm 100. I have a number of things that I deal with on a daily basis due to the effects of chemo as well as another unrelated illness. It all takes it's toll. I too am battle weary. Ask the doctors to suggest something to help with the menopause. Acupuncture, pressure points; something! HRT isn't all there is. Make them listen. You are not just a whinger. This is affecting every part of your life. Have they referred you to a sexual counsellor/clinic? perhaps do an oncology rehab course. What strategies are they giving you? In between times, vent on here, plan things you enjoy, try new things. Hang in there sweetheart. It has to get better. This to shall pass. Karen xox
Dear Ne
I have just read your post and it has made me cry. I am not certain what to say to you that will help you. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. You have been through so much. What you have written would certainly resonate with most of us. You are not going nuts. You need some decent sleep Ne. Without hot flushes or your mind going a million miles an hour.
Much love
Sandra xx
Hi Ne sometimes we all need to vent. I'm heading into 2nd year and I still struggle. I don't think people realise what our bodies go through. Everyone thinks oh wow you have finished active treatment, your hair is growing back and you should be grateful that you are still here. I have made the decision that I'm not telling people I'm ok any more when I feel like crap.
Yes I'm a survivour but the worry is always there and the side effects of all the treatment, they do not understand.. I have seen a consellour and I know this is not for everyone but it does me good to say out loud how I feel and not feel judged. Sending you a hug, hang in there I hope venting has helped
The most frustrating thing is people get over you having cancer but you and me and others are the ones that don't really ever get over it. Every scar every sweat is a reminder of cancer, I know we need to get on with it but I think a bit of self indulgence is good, no one will understand like the ladies here, so good on you for venting. I wanted to punch my husband out this morning, I'm 4 years down the track but I now have a rare blood cancer, flying is risky so no long flights, he said when we go to Greece, I said I will never be able to go, he said be quiet I don't want to hear it! He's lucky he's alive after that quote I can tell you. Take care adean
You know what....it's okay to not feel okay (seems to be one of my favourite quotes at the moment). You've been thru so much and it's a shitty experience.
I did read something that made me remember how the little things can be important...it was about a lady going for a Butt Naked skinny dip and gave me a good laugh - she was really in the moment (and loved it)....
"What I have learnt from our impulsive childish moment was to seek out little magical moments every day (not necessarily as extreme as skinny dipping) but to allow myself to just experience 'spur of the moment' kind of joy, where I can create something special, to help me cope and realise that there is still much to live for and enjoy. I think I might have missed many such moments this past year because I got too caught up in my circumstances and felt trapped in my 'bubble' called cancer!"
Sometimes easier said than done and, maybe, if you can find one thing, regardless of how big or small everyday??? I have been known to smash plates sometimes (it helped me).
Cyber hugs Alex xx
Hi NE,
I'm so glad you came here and let that all out! What a load you are carrying at the moment and you need to share that and this is the place to do it.
You are so right, no one can fix this but we can listen. Many of us will understand and even have experienced similar feelings. Sometimes you just need to let it all out and then you can get back to putting one foot in front of the other again.
You have had SO much in such a short time and you are amazing to have got through all that as well as you have (had a little read of your other posts which show how strong you have had to be). Today it got on top of you (it does sometimes) but you have done the right thing in sharing that.
I hope you find that in time your menopausal symptoms will ease and at least that part of life will improve. I had my ovaries out last July and I am still not sure what symptoms to attribute to being slammed into menopause for a second time (chemo first tried but my hormones did not give up) and what is due to Femara. I so know what the sleep deprivation does. I cannot concentrate, hold a decent conversation or remember things! Some days it is hard to not know if or when things will improve. Other days thank goodness it just feels easier and more hopeful.
Sending you a gentle hug and please let us help when the going gets tough. Deanne xxx
All good, the rotten Zoladex injection, 9 down 15 to go.
What can I say to cheer you up, not sure except to say I hope venting has helped release some of the pressure that has been building inside you.
Sex the specialist asks? Don't they realise that the girlie bits have been invaded and not quite receptive to the romance of life when the sweat is pouring out, without any exertion? The bones ache, there is hair missing from strange places and bits hanging on, sleep deprivation, can't always walk in a straight line as we've become lopsided boob women and the specialist asks about sex?
As to what to take in a natural form for night sweats, goodness knows but if you do a search on this site I am sure someone well before us has been through it and found something to give relief.
I know it's a bit cliché but we are all in this together and please come back on and vent as it all helps. As Tracy said, battle weary, so true!
Yes there is life after cancer it just has a few crooked miles that you have to travel to get there. Don't let it invade your soul and courage. Take pleasure in the small things and worry less as you are in good professional hands and you have this network to help you through as well as family and close friends.
Take care
Christine xx
Hi Ne, I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I really appreciate your honesty, your truthfulness. It's so bloody hard facing this new reality and I wish I had an answer, a solution, a remedy for you, me and all of the women on this network. The only thing I can offer is understanding. I feel the same way. You are not crazy, you are not alone. But you are winning. It may be a different kind of winning than you had imagined, but you're still here, hurt, and definitely bruised, but here and winning. That's not weakness, that's strength. Sending you big hugs. Nadine
