I hate this

The fact that you even THINK you should be happy shows remarkable courage and determination. Hospital is not a bad place to let go a little and vent a bit. Here is a good place to do that too. You'll be brave and positive at home for your children and your partner but for your own equilibrium, you need some time to say it's not fair (it isn't), it's too hard (it IS hard) and you don't want any of it. Then you can take a deep breath and start being positive again. We all get through any way we can, the main thing is getting through. As they say, when you are going through hell, keep going! Best wishes.

Hey @El.mumof2 we hear you!

When I had my mastectomy, I can remember bursting into tears when I went to have a shower and the nurse brusquely helped take off my top and I looked in the mirror for the first time....I was hurt, angry, sad, confused. I think she should've prepped me  a bit better before the 'reveal'. I know she was very sorry but my reaction wasn't what I had expected. I was shocked.

It was the first real chink in my armour - I had been so 'positive', like a trooper...and then came crashing down.

Luckily, I really only wanted my family and a couple of close friends to visit in hospital. I didn't want to have to put on a face, and just wanted to concentrate on my recovery. It was the best choice for me (unfortunately, one 'friend' was very offended by this and we no longer have much to do with each other.)

As you know, 3 weeks ago I had my DIEP Reconstruction.....again, I managed who was to visit but this time the nursing staff were beyond amazing. One very experienced nurse said to me early on: "expect on Day 3 or 4 to come crashing down...it's like the post-baby blues....if you know it's coming, you'll handle it better". So, she was right: Day 4, I felt nauseated, sore, hadn't slept much and a bit lost.  But, by the end of the day, I felt ok again.

It's not a linear journey - sometimes it's two steps forward and one back or a couple sideways and there are those little trigger points (like, for you, picking up your kids...and for me - as my kids are a bit too big for picking up  :) - not being able to walk my dogs) which set you off.

Feel the anger and let it out, grieve over what's happened, share with your closest confidante (and with us) how you're feeling.....you will make it, you will move forward. One step at a time - sometimes it's one minute or one hour or one day at a time....but each day it's about moving forward.

Sending you the warmest of virtual hugs (guaranteed not to hurt  ;))

Nikki xxxxx

Hi El big huggs ...great you have reached out lots of welcomes to come.. no you are not alone.Its good to vent and here is the place. Its a shittiie thing that has occured no its not our fault.Mastectomy seems to be healing ok so will be short time before you get home. Sounds like you will need a comfort pillow on your chest when little ones are close. I found i could do most personal care things..just no heavy household chores for a couple of weeks.For me cooking great therapy but it sounds like the young ones will be yours! Reply tonight if you can...sister in treatment Cheers Bright  ;)  

Oh yes we get it. But you don't need to stay strong. Darn it..tell people you are scared. Tell them you miss your kids. Don't pretend it's all okay. Have s big friggin cry. Life has changed and by golly your family have been through so much already. You are stronger than you realise. We are all stronger than we realised. You will get through, doesn't mean you can't have meltdowns every now and then. And we are hear to listen when you don't want to share with others. X

Hi people mean well but don't get how you feel. While I was going through treatment one of my sisters kept telling me how proud she was of me and how strong I was . One night I told her I wasn't strong just trying to get through this shitty trip. One day at a time I hope things improve and you get some cuddles from your kids. Sending you a hug xx