Drowning

 I have lost count of the people who said to me after I finished my chemo 'you must be so glad it's all over', except  that's when the reality of what has just happened starts to sink in- and it's terrifying at times!  The 'what if's' and  'why me's'  can consume my  thoughts and the guilt is almost a constant -guilt that my children were all that I thought about when I got my diagnosis, yet I still  crave 'time out' from them; guilt that I haven't 'found the meaning of life because I've had cancer' and life for me has carried on just as before; guilt that I have so much to live for, but all I could think about was dying.  But for me, and the people I've talked to, in time these thoughts are not thought about quite as much, and survival becomes more of a reality than a possibility. One day at a time!